I know that the main character awakening to start a novel is a bit over used and now cliched, but if you were to read the ending I'm sure you would think it would be charming.

Either way, I'm looking for a little help with the 'hook', if you could give me some constructive criticism that would be a great help. Thanks.
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Jack yawned loudly as he stretched out in his bed, awaking to another day in the drudgery of ‘everyday life’. He didn’t immediately sit up from his bed nor open his eyes, trying to dig himself deeper under the warmth of his blankets.

“Another day of school” Jack said silently as he rolled out of his bed, then walked sleepily to his closet drawing clothes out blindly as he muddled through them hanging neatly on hangers. His alarm clock rang out telling him it was time to get up for school, and he quickly shot across the room half dressed to turn it off before any of his family members awoke from the noise. He returned to his closet to fully dress himself before departing from his room.

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Also, as I'm writing more, i begin to think about publishing and editing. If you read the first couple lines here and would like to read more, shoot me a PM and I'll edit up the first couple chapters and send them your way (basically all of my writing is unedited, raw ideas on the page).

Jack yawned loudly as he stretched (out-cut) in his bed, awaking to another day in the drudgery of (‘everyday life’--don't use '' in prose. The reader is unsure exactly what you mean and you should be able to say more explicity with your prose anyway.). He didn’t immediately sit up from his bed nor open his eyes, trying to dig himself deeper under the warmth of his blankets.

So you spend time telling me he didn't get up or open his eyes. But then the next sentence he gets up. For all the impact that has you might as well have said:

He stayed in bed for a few more moments but then got up.

“Another day of school,”(This bit of dialogue looks suspiciously like an micro info dump. You could more artfully tell us he is going to school, and in fact you do) Jack said silently (said silently? Is he a mute or using sign language?))as he rolled out of his bed, then walked sleepily to his closet (and then pulled out--he couldn't walk there, drawing unless he has telekinetic abilities)drawing clothes out blindly as he muddled through them hanging neatly(he is hanging neatly on the hangers?) on hangers. His alarm clock rang out telling him it was time to get up for school, and he quickly shot across the room half dressed to turn it off before any of his family members(you could mention a few of them here) awoke from the noise. He returned to his closet to fully dress himself before departing from his room.

1) Waking is a cliche. As a slush reader it would immediately make me think that this person is a novice writer if he/she can't find a way to avoid it. I would drop it and pick up the next manuscript reading no further. Jack is also an overused MC name.
2)This whole intro tells me:
MC is called Jack. He goes to school but age is unknown. He gets dressed. Nothing really happens. In short there is no hook.
3) The writing is clunky. I would suggest you edit it before posting it. Sometimes good prose will be a hook when nothing is really happening but in this case it isn't.

I hope this helped and didn't hurt too much. All the above is fixable, but unless you know what you have to fix it will stay broken.

If you're looking for a hook, I'd suggest thinking about what makes this guy interesting, or starting the story much later, at the point something happens. Think about him wanting something (warning: not sure if this is where you're going, but a person with ordinary life wanting to be a hero or whatnot has been done to death, IMO.) So, rather than thinking about what isn't happening (i.e., his life isn't exciting), think about what _is_ happening (i.e., what he's involved in, what he wants, what he's looking forward to, dreading, etc.)

Tell me what you think, or if i still don't have a good enough hook.

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Jack lugged a large crimson pushcart out of the back stock room of a department store, upon the cart was a number of expensive looking televisions. He began stocking the nearby shelves with the televisions as he was ordered to do so by the store owner, Mr. Rollins. All the while doing his task he was being pestered by people, asking him where obscure objects where in the store, most of which he had no idea where they were located.
“I need some peace and quiet to finish my work!” screamed Jack to himself.

Suddenly as though a supreme being granted Jack’s wish everything in his immediate surrounding turned from being filled with color to a dull black and white as though he was viewing the world through a black and white camera.

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Thanks,
John Chase

quote:

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Jack lugged a large crimson pushcart out of the back stock room of a department store "a department store"? Some unknown one? I should think "the" would be better, since what follows indicates it's a specific one--the one he works at. Better yet would be to drop "of . . . store" altogether, <--NEW COMMENT starting here. Following the end of my last comment, you have a comma. This is a comma splice. Use a period and capitalize the next word. upon the cart was--> were a number of expensive[ ]-->[/b]hyphen [/b]looking televisions. Why expensive-looking rather than simply expensive? Also, your presentation of material is out-of-order. When he pulls out the cart, the reader will automatically visualize it as being empty. Telling us later that it's full of TVs pulls us out of the story briefly, while we readjust our image. He began stocking the nearby shelves Why this mention of "nearby"? It makes it sound like he's putting the TVs there because it's convenient, rather than because it's where they should go with the televisions as he was ordered to do so-->omit by the store owner, Mr. Rollins. Again, the information is out of order. 1) Mr. Rollins told him what to do, 2) he found the cart full of TVs, 3) he pulled out the cart, and 4) he stacked the shelves. You've essentially given us the information in the order 3, 2, 4, 1. All the while doing his task awkward he was being pestered by people, asking him where obscure objects where were in the store, [most of which he had no idea where they were located.]-->of which he had no idea where most were located. (Could probably still be phrased better; I'm just fixing the grammar here.)
“I need some peace and quiet to finish my work!” screamed Jack to himself. If you scream in a crowded place, it's not going to be just to yourself.

Suddenly comma as though a supreme being had granted Jack’s wish comma everything in his immediate surroundings turned from being filled with color to a dull black and white as though he was-->were viewing the world through a black and white camera.

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By the way, you say this is 9 pages in, but you can "reorder the chapter to make this the beginning". Do you really want to reorder? Is there really anything in those first 8 pages we need to know? You might want simply to cut them.

One thing I've done that you may want to try is go back and read a few of your favorite authors again, even if they worked in a different genre than your story. Years ago I read about Hunter S. Thompson typing long passages of F. Scott Fitzgerald's GREAT GATSBY so he could get a feel for the flow and tempo and word choice. So one night I dusted off old GATSBY and started typing.

While your STORY is completely your own, there's nothing wrong with imitating the STYLE of an author you admire while you're learning your craft and developing your own voice.

Thank you very much for your suggestion, i'll try that out tonight.

Edit: Tried it, it worked amazingly well. Thank you very much.

I would also like to point out that when I read a line like 'Jack lugged a large crimson pushcart out of the back stock room of a department store' It tells me-- because I have the same problem at times-- that the scene just hasn't been thought out well enough. If you were in the POV of the character you would describe this far differently, because you would know the name of the department store.You would know what kind of tv you were looking at because the would be a proudly displayed logo.

example

Dillon lugged the large crimson pushcart to the store room. Mr. Youknowwhat had been riding him to stock the new Sony flat-screens. He hated working at Dillards, but as a slave to alimony payments, This second job was the only way the rent got paid.

Corny example, but you may see my point. I can recognize this because it is a problem many of us face. Put yourself in the story. Make it Shine.

I have rewritten the 13 lines completely, nothing from my original story, i have a few problems with it, but i feel like it has potential to be, well not great, but good.

*******
3 gun shots. One long, black, gun barrel. This was the beginning of Jack Shaw's conscious life.

Jack's eyes widened, he could see the bullets slowly inching their way towards his chest. His heartbeat jumped involuntarily into his throat. He couldn't move, fear had taken control of his muscles.

No, he thought. Not now, not in this convenience store.

The bullets were closer now, Jack desperately tried to move. He flexed all of the muscles in his body trying to lift his right leg. He closed his eyes and fully concentrated on moving. He started to move!

He opened his eyes. Everything in his immediate surroundings had turned from being filled with color to a dull black and
*****

Better? Worse?

[This message has been edited by jcc2k4 (edited March 25, 2008).]

Jack's eyes widened, he could see the bullets slowly inching their way towards his chest. His heartbeat jumped involuntarily Unnecessary, all heartbeats are involuntary. Also, did the heartbeat jump, or the heart jump metaphorically? into his throat. He couldn't move, fear had taken control of his muscles.

No, he thought. Not now, not in this convenience store.

The bullets were closer now, Jack desperately tried to move. He flexed all of the muscles in his body trying to lift his right leg. He closed his eyes and fully concentrated on moving. He started to move!

He opened his eyes. Everything in his immediate surroundings had turned from being filled with color to a dull black I think the "turned from being filled with color" is awkward. You can say it shorter and prettier. and

The one problem I still feel there is, is the sentence "He started to move!" I feel it is too abrupt, like there wasn't any build up to it. Am I wrong? Does it work with the flow fine?

Also, now that you say it I did play Max Payne and it is very similar.

Thanks again.

Maybe something like this:

He closed his eyes and focused all his strength and concentration on lifting his right leg. He imagined he could feel each sinew and muscle fiber drawing taught under his skin, he imagined his foot lifting a hairs width off the ground. It was moving, he realized with a rush of triumph and relief.

Either way, if you would like to read it, reply to the thread or send me an e-mail. Thanks.

[This message has been edited by Acriter (edited April 02, 2008).]