I think this will be a novel. It may only make it to novella, I don't know. Its something I work on now and then. Haven't gotten very far, only a little over 4k words. It's fantasy, in a modern/futuristic setting

I'd like comments and discussion of the first lines, and anyone who is interested I will send all or part of the work in progress too. Also, I'm very open to just discussing the concept...I'm a seat of the pants writer, not an outliner, so though I have a good idea of what its about, it mostly just comes to me as it comes to me...

Jacob had been waiting for this moment his entire life. So had his grandchildren, for that matter. The three of them were about to complete a task that their family had been laboring upon for many generations.
“This way,” he said to his two grandchildren. “Be careful, this place is deserted, but there may still be active security equipment.”
“Don’t worry, Grandad, we know,” Richard replied. “We’ve been lucky so far, but we can’t really count on that.”
They had broken into an abandoned government facility in a distant corner of the city. It had been a repository for government records, but Jacob and his family knew it was also the repository for something far more valuable and important.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited April 16, 2008).]

"We've been lucky so far, but we can't count on that." Why lucky so far? Have they been there before? What is the name of the government facility? What did it do? What kind of records does it have? It also had something far more valuable and important - what would that be? Why is it so valuable?

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We know the activity they are engaged in, but nothing of why or what it is in particular they are seeking - and nothing of that which is so valuable. Since the characters know this, we should to - but that information has been witheld.

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Yes...so that the reader will have a reason to continue reading..

That aside though, it would probably take a good 13 lines of pure "info dump" to explain what it is and why its valuable.

As I see it, we've set up a characters, and their relationship to each other, where they are, and basically why. And that there is something here thats important, in the last of the lines but not what, which to me seems like a good incentive too keep reading.

Does it seem to fail in those things?

"As you know, my dear wife of thirty years, I am six feet tall with blond hair and blue eyes."

Kind of silly, but it illustrates something that a husband would not say to his wife. In the same vein, the grandfather wouldn't inform the kids this late in the game that security devices might be waiting to get them--they had been planning this operation for generations.

You can get most of the same information in here in a different way, I think.

How about something like this:

“This way,” he said to his two grandchildren. “Be careful." The place was deserted, but they couldn't tell what kind of traps the guardians of this old repository might have set.

“Don’t worry, Grandad, we know,” Richard replied. He glanced at his [sister/brother/cousin] and rolled his eyes.

Jacob smiled as he noted the silent exchange, then turned serious again when he considered the challenge ahead...

See the difference?

Also watch the 'be' verbs.

Consider changing "had been laboring " to "had labored."

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This is the frustrating thing about a 13 in regards to a novel where a hook can take an entire chapter. So no, I can't say that it failed. As for myself though, if a government facility is mentioned, I want to know more than that, the name and what it did. Same for the records, if they are mentioned I want to know what they are and why they are important or valuable. If I'm not given the details of something mentioned, then how can I invest any emotion/interest in it?

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Yes, I understand what you mean. I will say though that, at this point in the story, the specifics of the place and its purpose (its original purpose anyway) aren't particularly important, and the emotion and interest are meant to be focused mainly on the characters, and on wondering what exactly they are after.

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Yes...so that the reader will have a reason to continue reading...

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Withholding information doesn't intice readers to continue reading, not when they are aware that the POV character already knows something that they the reader doesn't. Withholding in that context is just the author playing tricks with the reader, and I'm not here to be tricked, I'm here to read a book.

Jayson Merryfield

I could simply do a sort of "name drop", but that'd would still be considered "witholding" right?

I write mainly from the perspective of how I like to read, but apparently my likes are vastly different from most peoples, it seems.

Describing to us right now what the thing is doesn't much matter. As I've said before, and discussion we have here won't be able to occur between you and any other reader. We tell you that we need to know what the characters know. You should take that to heart and make sure that future readers will know, but maybe it falls to the second page. That's fine.

Yes, it is safe to post a summary. I still don't see the purpose, since we're not critiquing the overall storyline.

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Describing to us right now what the thing is doesn't much matter. As I've said before, and discussion we have here won't be able to occur between you and any other reader

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True, but knowing may allow you to give feedback thats increasingly more useful.

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Yes, it is safe to post a summary. I still don't see the purpose, since we're not critiquing the overall storyline.

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This I guess is part of my problem. I see stories...others and my own both, in a holistic fashion, so this whole critiquing just a small part thing is difficult for me, on both sides. Often, there are reasons, in the rest of the story, why something is as it is at the begining.

All the parts fit together...stories are, generally, meant to be taken as a whole, so the apparent fixation that exists in the publishing world on just the begining is rather counter intuitive, to me at least. It seems to very nearly limit us solely to discussing technical craft issues, which to me are often the least important...by which I mean, they can always be corrected later, but must in the end serve the actual storytelling.

Quote: “I will say though that, at this point in the story, the specifics of the place and its purpose (its original purpose anyway) aren't particularly important, and the emotion and interest are meant to be focused mainly on the characters”

Then drop the summarized style of referencing things that don’t matter and introduce the characters further, getting into the Point of View (POV) character’s head.

I don’t want to waste time discussing ideas. Let me see a revised 13 lines and I’d be willing to comment.

My Take:

Jacob had awaited this moment his entire life. For that matter, so had his grandchildren. Now, the three of them were about to complete the task that their family had labored at for generations.
They entered the abandoned government facility under the cover of darkness. “This way,” Jacob said. “But be careful.” They had been lucky so far, but they couldn't continue to count on luck.
“Don’t worry, Grandad.” Richard replied.
The facility, in a distant corner of the city, had been a repository for government records, but Jacob and his family knew it was also the repository for something more valuable and far more important.

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Then drop the summarized style of referencing things that don’t matter and introduce the characters further, getting into the Point of View (POV) character’s head.

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I could do that yes. Although if I did, what do you want to bet someone would then say there wasn't enough information on where they are etc? :-)

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I don’t want to waste time discussing. Let me see a revised 13 lines and I’d be willing to comment. That’s what matters.

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By all means use the forum to discuss your work, but I think what most people are saying is that you shouldn't feel the need to explain in the post what you are trying to say in your writing; just put it in your work.
We are all sometimes guilty of thinking the reader can read our thoughts, when in fact all they have to go by is our written words. Critters are pointing out weaknesses (for lack of a better word) in your writing not your thinking. So answer the crits in your writing instead of arguing from what you know you meant.

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Yea, I understand all that. It doesnt change the fact that its not the way my mind works however. Most of the comments I recieve I only partially understand, and so I offer more information on why it is the way it is to help the critiquer then make themselves more clear to me. And also to help find a way to put what they say into my work (if I agree its needed) in a way consistent with the work.

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Most of the comments I recieve I only partially understand, and so I offer more information on why it is the way it is to help the critiquer then make themselves more clear to me.

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Actually, a great many of your comments here are not "I don't really understand what you were saying here, could you elaborate?" Those types of questions would assist you in understanding any comments you might be partially confused on. The comments you tend to make are variation of "I wrote this piece in this manner because..." which is an attempt to get the reader to agree with you, or at the very least to reassure yourself that what you're doing is correct, regardless of what the criticism is.

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Actually, a great many of your comments here are not "I don't really understand what you were saying here, could you elaborate?" Those types of questions would assist you in understanding any comments you might be partially confused on. The comments you tend to make are variation of "I wrote this piece in this manner because..." which is an attempt to get the reader to agree with you, or at the very least to reassure yourself that what you're doing is correct, regardless of what the criticism is.

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If you say so. That isn't the intention at all...the intention is what I said above. I guess I'm just not making myself clear. The style of interaction here is totally different from what I'm used to, I'm trying to adjust.

Most of the comments I recieve don't do me any good on their own because they are based on a very small portion of the story, and so are made without realizing what the story is actually about.

For instance, your comment about "the great city." Theres nothing wrong with calling it that, and I did it for a reason, but you didnt know that reason and so found it strange. So, I told you why, so that if there was some additional reason it seemed wrong to you, you could then mention that.

Does that make any sense?

Also...I dont think in terms of correct and incorrect...I think in terms of storytelling, and telling the story as it wants to be. And maybe I'll never get published because of that, who knows, but like popeye says, I am what I am..

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Theres nothing wrong with calling it that, and I did it for a reason, but you didnt know that reason and so found it strange. So, I told you why, so that if there was some additional reason it seemed wrong to you, you could then mention that.

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So essentially, you are telling me that I am wrong and you are right, and in order for me to prove to you that I am right and that my opinion is valid, I need to come up with additional reasons for you. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks.

Jayson Merryfield

Edit: In cool retrospect, it seems to me that I am contributing to this problem as much as anything, and a response to an argument is still an argument, regardless of how I might word it. I'm going to be proactive and take Kathleen's regular advice, and begin ignoring you from here on in.

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So essentially, you are telling me that I am wrong and you are right, and in order for me to prove to you that I am right and that my opinion is valid, I need to come up with additional reasons for you.

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No, thats not at all what I am telling you.

I am saying, for me the process of having someone give me feedback on my work is them bringing up issues, and in the event that its one that there is a specific reason for whatever it is, I mention that, and then if there is some other, specific reason they think its a problem, they tell me, et cetera.

Now, if you don't want/have the time for/whatever that way of doing this thats of course fine, but I am in no way disparaging the validity of your opinion.

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In cool retrospect, it seems to me that I am contributing to this problem as much as anything, and a response to an argument is still an argument, regardless of how I might word it.

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There is no arguement on my part, at least not intentionally. Back and forth discussion is simply my way of developing my work with other people.

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I'm going to be proactive and take Kathleen's regular advice, and begin ignoring you from here on in.

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I wish you wouldnt, as yours have often been helpful comments. This is all very difficult for me to understand...its always been my impression that discussion was part of this kind of thing. Although I'm not used to trying to develop and work on a story based on only a tiny portion of it.

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All the parts fit together...stories are, generally, meant to be taken as a whole, so the apparent fixation that exists in the publishing world on just the begining is rather counter intuitive, to me at least. It seems to very nearly limit us solely to discussing technical craft issues, which to me are often the least important...by which I mean, they can always be corrected later, but must in the end serve the actual storytelling.

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If you want a holistic approach, I suggest thanking commentors for their suggestions and asking if they'd consider reading the whole thing. Period.

About infodumping and withholding info: it's a balance. Obviously, you want to include pertinent info; obviously you're going to be withholding info because you can't possibly drop all the info about everything at once. However, withholding info to entice me to read doesn't work. I feel it's gimmicky and I'll resent the author for it. There are different strategies for overcoming this; I don't have specific suggestions because I don't know your story. A more productive approach might be for you to simply try out various openings, at various points in the story, or keep writing story after story, post 'em, and see what happens. Use Harack as a barometer, but not as an oracle.

But the substance of your comments are simply explaining your choices. It seems you're not willing to make the next step in figuring out for yourself the bigger picture. For example:

poster said: We know the activity they are engaged in, but nothing of why or what it is in particular they are seeking - and nothing of that which is so valuable. Since the characters know this, we should to - but that information has been witheld.

Your response:
Yes...so that the reader will have a reason to continue reading..

Okay, but clearly the poster was stating this was a problem. They might very well _not_ continue reading because they are bothered by the fact that you've withheld information. Rather than paying attention to the opinions that are right in front of you you're choosing to argue with them, in essence saying, no, I'm right. This is the effect I want. Even though the poster is stating the exact opposite.

There's another reason why "talking back" to commenters isn't productive: it makes many people wary. Whether you agree with the reaction or not, whether you think it's unusual or different from you or not, I think it's an effect you should consider. If I feel you aren't listening to me, I'm less likely to give you my opinion. And please don't accuse me of not wanting to discuss my posts--I've always been welcome to inquiries about my comments. I will do so, but only if I feel it's a productive experience, and not as if I'm slamming my head against a wall. Because I've had people argue with me on my comments and quite frankly, the answer for me boils down to this: it's your story, I really don't care that much. I'm giving you an opinion as a favor and because I value the Hatrack community. Obviously, I'm stating an extreme case here--you haven't argued with me specifically (though I feel for my comrades who've expressed frustration) and your counter arguments are quite polite and respectful. But I do feel they are counter arguments. Ultimately, you aren't hearing what the commentors are saying because you aren't listening.

Also, you can't please everybody. You say you're getting conflicting advice and you are, because everyone has their own opinion. Again, this is where your judgment as a writer becomes crucial.

My 2 cents.

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the answer for me boils down to this: it's your story, I really don't care that much. I'm giving you an opinion as a favor and because I value the Hatrack community.

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Understandable. And similar, in a way to my feeling which is: I want to get the most I can out of this place, and for me, that requires discussion of feedback.

The trick is, doing that without causing half the people here to come after me with pitchforks :-) But, I think from what people have said and your comments here, I have a decent idea, now, of how to accomplish what I want to accomplish without offending anyone but the really easily offended..or something like that.

My membership in a face-to-face critique group has taught me a good deal about writing and a good deal more about learning.

In my experience, the proper etiquette when receiving criticism of my work is to smile and say "thank you." I've asked for someone's opinion and they have given it to me. I may agree or not, but the person has done what I've requested. If I argue, I present myself as ungrateful and I'm not likely to get much help from that person in the future. To explain why I wrote something a certain way seems pointless to me--I don't get to explain anything to the editor I hope is reading my manuscript.

It helps to have a thick skin and an open mind.

In actuality, I have used very few recommendations exactly as given. Most often, I will look at the reviewer's objection or recommendation and examine my writing. Usually, I'll find the person's point to be valid and address the concern in my own voice. Addressing the concern may involve me learning more about the craft (a good thing). In any case, I've looked at the issue and determined whether to change or not and why.

On the other hand, it does help to discuss issues. Maybe it would be better in some cases to ask questions over in the Open Discussions group. It might divorce the question from that little bit of hurt pride that we'll always have when someone calls our "baby" ugly.

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In my experience, the proper etiquette when receiving criticism of my work is to smile and say "thank you." I've asked for someone's opinion and they have given it to me. I may agree or not, but the person has done what I've requested.

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To my way of thinking, and in my experience, a request for feedback implies and/or includes the concept of discussing it. Its difficult for me to understand how much of anything can be accomplished without it.

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To explain why I wrote something a certain way seems pointless to me--I don't get to explain anything to the editor I hope is reading my manuscript.

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This is another thing people keep saying that, honestly, I dont understand the point of :-)

The whole point of showing people your work and getting feedback on it is to improve said work. And here, especially, largely with the purpose of improve it for possible editors. Ok, so thats established. Now yes, I can't explain the story to an editor, but I *can* explain it to someone who I've asked to read it for feedback, and thereby increase their understanding of it, and with that, their ability to help me improve it.

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In actuality, I have used very few recommendations exactly as given. Most often, I will look at the reviewer's objection or recommendation and examine my writing. Usually, I'll find the person's point to be valid and address the concern in my own voice. Addressing the concern may involve me learning more about the craft (a good thing). In any case, I've looked at the issue and determined whether to change or not and why.

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With many things, its difficult or impossible to make judgements about a criticism, if you dont know why it was made or the thinking behind it.
Its even harder...basically, impossible..to use criticisms of something in your story that you know has a purpose that would be difficult or unpleasant to change, but you realize the reader doesnt know that. And so, telling them that reason allows you to determine whether the reason makes the thing work, or not.

Thats why, without discussion, only about half the comments people leave do me any good at all...and those are the really in depth ones that present both the criticism, and the reason/thinking behind it and/or suggestions for improvement.

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It might divorce the question from that little bit of hurt pride that we'll always have when someone calls our "baby" ugly.

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It doesnt have anything to do with that. People assume it does, of course, and I guess thats understandable. Its not about defending or justifying. Its about understanding the criticism, so I can actually get some good out of it.

The problem stems from the fact that I dont get any good out of criticisms without discussion, and most of the people here believe, for reasons I frankly can't fathom, that discussion is somehow bad for improving ones stories.

Now that I understand the overall viewpoint people take here, though, I think I am going to be able to do things in such a way that I get the feedback I need without offending people or making them assume I'm simply oversentive.

Several folks, myself included, have expressed to you that it is counterproductive to explain why you wrote something in a certain way. You replied that you didn't get our point.

So here's my point (urge to write in all caps suppressed).

Let's say you write a line like this:

"The protagonist gave her the thing."

What the heck are you talking about? I ask. He gave who what thing?

Well, you say, I'm withholding this information until the third chapter to make you curious enough to read on.

I'm not curious, I reply, because I think you're hiding something from me. And when you try to manipulate me (the reader), it makes me want to put the book down.

It's my own fault, you tell me. I shouldn't treat you so badly.

I say, Well, go ahead and submit your story.

The agent/editor looks at it and says "I don't understand it. Next."

That's the point. You don't get to explain to an agent, or an editor, or (if it gets that far) a customer in a bookstore looking at your first page. If they don't get past the first page, they can't take in your story "holistically."

If it doesn't work for me in your writing, it doesn't work for me.

You can't jam everything I'm going to know about your characters in the first 13 lines. But it needs to be enough to make me believe and care.

It's your story. Write what you want.

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You replied that you didn't get our point.So here's my point

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Ok. And now I better understand that point, since it has actually been discussed.

And thats my point. For me, the majority of comments I get are to vague or circumstantial to do me much good without further elaboration from the commentor. Many people comment without suggesting alternatives, or they comment on things I know there are specific reasons for, and so I wish to know if knowing the reason makes them anymore clear, or if they have suggestions for making it anymore clear within itself while staying true to the story.

I dont see how this is a problem. I understand (though I cant really understand why) that some people here simply do not want to do anything more than comment once for whatever reasons. Thats fine. Even if I reply to their comments nothing compels them to discuss it if they dont want too.

When you do something with one of your stories - post it to your webpage, send it to an editor, print it in a zine - that story needs to be able to stand on its own without further explanation from you. The thirteen line exercise is designed to get you to think about the first impression your writing makes. Through the comments and critiques we offer, we are telling you our first impressions. For example, in this thread in specific, nitewriter told you that he felt you were withholding information. You were unclear as to what his specific issue with withholding information was, and we as a group elaborated on why withholding information was potentially a bad thing.

Now, at this point, the discussion should come to a complete halt. You understand why withholding can give a negative impression to a reader. At this point, it is incumbent on you to take that information you have received and apply it to your piece as a whole. Further understanding of the remainder of the piece will not change what nitewriter's first impression was. It is your role as the author of this story to take the impression you received and decide if it is important enough to warrant a change, or unimportant since you provide the info nitewriter requested in the next page, and you feel that you have enough of a hook to draw a reader that far. Continuing discussion at this point is, essentially, challenging the commenter to defend their position, which will (as you've experienced over the past few days) tend to make people defensive or argumentative. Regardless of whether that is your intent, that is the truth of it. Now, at this point, if you feel your opening is strong enough to stand on its own but you would like to see a readers impression in the face of the entire piece, a polite request for readers of the whole piece (or chapter, in the case of a novel) would be the next step. When you email the story out, it might be helpful to both you and the reader to pose specific questions you have.

Merlion, it would be a huge benefit to you to critique our work at this point in time, and to read other peoples critiques on other people's pieces. It will give you a sense of how things normally operate around here, and watching other people's pieces be critiqued can help you with your own writing style. It should also be said that, when you offer a critique, you might want to be a little more invested in it than simply a two line critique. I've been watching you work, and while you discuss your own pieces with many posts, generally all of which are fairly substantial, most of the critiques you are offering are variations on "this is cool, I'd like to read the whole thing," and are hardly more than two or three lines. Making a thoughtful analysis of another person's writing gives you some of the skills to make that same analysis on your own writing.

I think at this point we should just call this a lesson learned, and all go about our business.

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When you do something with one of your stories - post it to your webpage, send it to an editor, print it in a zine - that story needs to be able to stand on its own without further explanation from you. The thirteen line exercise is designed to get you to think about the first impression your writing makes. Through the comments and critiques we offer, we are telling you our first impressions. For example, in this thread in specific, nitewriter told you that he felt you were withholding information. You were unclear as to what his specific issue with withholding information was, and we as a group elaborated on why withholding information was potentially a bad thing.

Now, at this point, the discussion should come to a complete halt. You understand why withholding can give a negative impression to a reader. At this point, it is incumbent on you to take that information you have received and apply it to your piece as a whole. Further understanding of the remainder of the piece will not change what nitewriter's first impression was. It is your role as the author of this story to take the impression you received and decide if it is important enough to warrant a change, or unimportant since you provide the info nitewriter requested in the next page, and you feel that you have enough of a hook to draw a reader that far. Continuing discussion at this point is, essentially, challenging the commenter to defend their position, which will (as you've experienced over the past few days) tend to make people defensive or argumentative. Regardless of whether that is your intent, that is the truth of it. Now, at this point, if you feel your opening is strong enough to stand on its own but you would like to see a readers impression in the face of the entire piece, a polite request for readers of the whole piece (or chapter, in the case of a novel) would be the next step. When you email the story out, it might be helpful to both you and the reader to pose specific questions you have.

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Once I was clear on the thoughts behind the witholding information comment, I ceased discussing that. The continued discussion was on the subject of discussion itself, in general.

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most of the critiques you are offering are variations on "this is cool, I'd like to read the whole thing," and are hardly more than two or three lines. Making a thoughtful analysis of another person's writing gives you some of the skills to make that same analysis on your own writing.

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I am simply vastly better at giving feedback on whole stories than a small piece of them. As I've mentioned, I see things in holistic terms. You say above that the comments I've recieved are peoples first impressions of what I post (which I believe). The comments I post are my honest first reactions to what other people have put forth.
And also remember, I'm coming from the background of each and every instance of sharing work with anyone for purposes of feedback involving open discussion, not the more limited forms of feedback expected here. Its hard for me not to go in thinking "I'll give a brief opinion, point out any definite flaws I see, and the author will post back and we'll talk about it." Thats just how I think. In all honesty, its very, very hard for me to relate to how you guys can get much out of it without that.

However, (as I've said several times) I DO understand a lot more about the people here on a practical level, and I think it will make it easier in future.

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and all go about our business.

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From my perspective, thats what we've been doing. I dont say this to belittle you, insult you, or devalue your opinions or feelings but, so far, as near as I can tell while I know others have been puzzled by my different aproach to this kind of thing, your the only person who seems somehow deeply angry or offended because of it. I do apologize if I've offended or upset you. Everything I've said has been coming from the best of intentions, and a desire for us all to learn from each other and enjoy the art of storytelling. My mind works the way it works, and I'm sorry if some people dislike it, but I gave up trying to be other than what I am a long time ago.

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your the only person who seems somehow deeply angry or offended because of it. I do apologize if I've offended or upset you.

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No need to apologize, as I was neither angry, nor offended, merely frustrated in that certain way that can lead to entirely pointless outbursts, very much similar to the one I posted just two posts up there. Never should have wrote it, and I shall return now, with increased sincerity, to silence.

Good luck with your writing.

1) A critiquer gives you their first impressions; take 'em or leave 'em--you can't change a first impression.

2) The questions they ask are ones they would like to see answered in the prose (not in a post). When you respond (sometimes even when carefully worded) it can feel to a critiquer like arguing--or that you don't want/value an honest opinion.

3) If your first 13 doesn't introduce a character and tell you why he/she is there, chances are the reader/critiquer isn't going to be interested in reading the rest. (With the exception of prose so stunning it shows promise.)

My advice--for what it's worth--is to hold all comments. (Make your comments aloud instead of committing them to print.) Then, let the comments that most effected you resonate. Kick 'em around for a bit, swish 'em around your mouth like a fine wine and let the wisdom flourish. Understanding will come. If you are truly confused about something, then ask--but, in that manor: "Jayson, would you elaborate? I didn't fully understand your comment about..."

If you really want to get used to the Hatrack method, those will be helpful. As is discussed in another thread, there are exceptions to every rule, but they won't be so jarring if they are infrequent.

Addressing the first 13: Mistakes that are made in the first thirteen are usually fluent throughout the entirety. If someone has a comma-splicing problem, it won't just dissipate. If the first 13 are an info-dump, chances are, that will frequently occur through the manuscript. If an author withholds valuable information--information the PoV knows--to create false suspence, that sort of cheating the reader will be common. If, in the first 13, the writer beats-around-the-bush or grows pedantic, it is a prose style that you should expect to find the manuscript riddled with. In short, the first 13 are about the hook. It's your chance to hook an editor, agent or reader with your prose, craft skills and premise.

My take on your 13:

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Jacob had been waiting for this moment his entire life. So had his grandchildren, for that matter. The three of them<--[All this could be condensed into: Jacob and his grandchildren, Richard and {name},] were about to complete a task that their family had been laboring upon for many generations.
“This way,” he said [to his two grandchildren<--Redundant and unnecessary.]. “Be careful[. T]his place is deserted, but there may still be active security equipment.”
“Don’t worry, Grandad, we know,” Richard replied. “[We’ve been lucky so far, but we can’t really count on that<--[Granddad's been with them, right? So, he should know this. I suggest cutting it for forward progression's sake.].”
[They had broken into an abandoned government facility in a distant corner of the city.<--PoV] [This] had been a repository for government records, but Jacob and his family knew it was also held the [repository for something far more valuable and important<--cut this and tell us what the "something more valuable" is.].

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I hope this has helped.

Now watch me pull a rabbit out of my...

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....you're a singularly odd person.

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Why thank you. *snaps fingers* ...and I didn't get anything nice for you...

Hows this? Better, or too wordy?

Jacob had been waiting for this moment his entire life. So had his grandchildren, for that matter. Now, the three of them were about to complete a task that their family had been laboring upon for many generations.
“This way,” he said to his two grandchildren. “But be careful.”
The government records building they had just broken into was deserted, but Jacob did not know if any of its security systems were still active.
The government had abandoned this place for a more advanced facility many years ago. They had forgotten that it contained more than tax records and paperwork; it was also the hiding place of an object that, in the right hands, could mean their undoing.