I know, ridden hard and put away wet.

Would you want to turn the page? or drop it on the floor and say next.

I'm Back
Is this better?

My best friend Tommy was walking along the sidewalk outside our school with his nose buried in a book about flying, and approaching an intersection. Tommy glanced up; saw the light to walk was on. Tommy stepped inside the lines of the crosswalk.

The sound of screeching tires, and the loud cursing of a male voice yelling at Tommy to get out of the way so the driver of the car could take a right.

I looked up and saw Tommy with one leg raised unable to move.

Get out of the way the driver yelled again at Tommy.

I saw a slight movement of Grandfathers’ little finger of his right hand, then I heard some pops, and the sound of escaping air.

As we stepped upon the sidewalk on the far side of the road, I heard the sound of the BMWs’ engine colliding with the pavement.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was sitting on a swing in the playground of my school. My best friend Tommy was sitting on a swing next to me with a book opened on his lap reading something about flying. I looked up when I heard the unique sound of my grandfathers’ walking stick as it struck the sidewalk with every step he took. Hi grandfather I said, can Tommy come over to our house? We have to look up some stuff about pyramids, for school. Hold on my grandfather said. Tru, what do you mean, by stuff? Oh you know I said, how they were built, and stuff like that. They were built by captives,turned to slaves,and they had telekinetic powers, my grandfather said without hesitation,and a disgusted look on his face. Gee grandfather you make it sound like you were there. He looked down at me, and his face softened, and he said, I was. Oh hi Mr. Smith Tommy said.

quote:

---

I was sitting on a swing in the playground of my school. My best friend Tommy was sitting on a swing next to me with a book opened on his lap reading something about flying. I looked up when I heard the unique sound of my grandfathers’ walking stick as it struck the sidewalk with every step he took. Hi grandfather I said, can Tommy come over to our house? We have to look up some stuff about pyramids, for school.

Hold on my grandfather said. Tru, what do you mean, by stuff?

Oh you know I said, how they were built, and stuff like that.

They were built by captives,turned to slaves,and they had telekinetic powers, my grandfather said without hesitation,and a disgusted look on his face.

Gee grandfather you make it sound like you were there.

---

That said, here's My take:

quote:

---

I was sitting on a swing in the [school] playground [of my school<--Don't need this anymore.]. My best friend Tommy was sitting on a swing next to me[,] with a book [about flying] opened on his lap[.] [reading something about flying<--Don't need this anymore.]. I looked up when I heard the [unique sound<--What makes it unique?] of my grandfather[']s[’<--Only one grandfather.] walking stick [as it struck the sidewalk with every step he took<--Don't need this. We--most of us--know how a walking stick/cane works.].

["]Hi [G]randfather[,"] I said[.] ["C]an Tommy come over to our house? We have to look up some stuff about pyramids, for school.["]

["]Hold on[,"] [my<--Don't need this, you've already shown us he thinks of his grandfather as:] [G]randfather said. ["]Tru, what do you mean[,<--No comma here.] by stuff?["]

["]Oh you know[,"] I said, ["]how they were built, and stuff like that.["]

["]They were built by captives,[Space after a comma.]turned to slaves[,and they<--Suggest switching these out for the word: who] had telekinetic powers,["] [G]randfather said[,] without hesitation[,and<--[Cut this, IMHO.][.] [He wore] a disgusted look [on his face<--Cut this.].

["]Gee [G]grandfather[,] you make it sound like you were there.["]

---

The boy (Tru?) sounds a bit plastic, like you yanked him out of an episode of leave it to beaver. How old is he? He's the protagonist, so I want to see more of him, know how he feels about stuff--like his grandfather's quirkiness. The interaction between Tru and Grandfather could be anough to hook me, with a bit more sensory enrichment.

1) What type of story is this? Fantasy? Sci-Fi? Contemporary Fairytale? I should know what type of story I'm reading within the first 13 lines.

2) Watch out for cliche. The premise (if Grandfather's pyramid theory is going to take us into a story with that as the premise) sounds like Stargate. That's a problem.

3) As a rule of thumb, we generally try not to have character's that share the same beginning letter. In this case, on first read, I thought that "Tru" was a typo of "True" until I re-read it. Tommy (a commonly used name, also) stuck in my head as the boy's name.

I hope this helps.

I was 99.9 percent sure , that the 13 lines would get blown out of the water, just like Hillary C claiming to have dodged sniper fire.

What you,and all other fine members of hatrack writing forum have done for me, is let me know not to be scared , but to try. I lurked on site for weeks before I got the nerve up to apply for membership.

I will be more than happy to critique some things,and leave things alone that at this time I know very little about.

Before I posted the 13 I had nothing written down.

I have been up now since the time of my thirteen post just pecking away at the old keyboard, and haven't had this much fun for a long time.

As of now, I have a little over 1200 words,and the well isn't close to being dry.

I look at it in a way , If I had the worst story ever told,no amount of punctuation or paragraphs would help.

On the other hand, if I have the greatest story ever told , but the punctuation and the paragraphs is bad , those things can be fixed.
Thanks again, I'm off to do some more pecking on the old keyboard. want to get to 2000 words before I quit for the night.

ps- never thought I would be an inventor, but patent was issued in june of 07,and the lawyers were killers,and you can be assured they will be in my book,and not in the best of light.