posted
Lord Jules knelt before his son’s coffin; his whole body seemed to have withered and died. Echt wondered if he should go to his master, perhaps physically lift him from his knees, as no one else seemed about to help him. But then Lord Jules’ body suddenly rose. “I buried a wife,” he announced, perhaps to himself, perhaps to those gathered. “Now I bury my son. I am alone in this world; it has no light, no beauty. My house is dying.” Echt could not help but to glance at Lord Jules’ six living children. Each was frozen: statues carved from the hardest stone. No tear shed for their fallen brother, no anger shown to their father. It was like each and every one of them was already dead.
Posts: 181 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
quote: Lord Jules knelt before his son’s coffin; his whole body seemed to have withered and died. This threw me at first read as to which body seemed to have withered and died. Echt wondered if he should go to his master, perhaps physically lift him from his knees, as no one else seemed about to help him. where are they? In a crypt? The grand hall? I would like a few details as to setting. But then Lord Jules’ body suddenly rose. his body rose? You mean, he rose? “I buried a wife,” he announced, perhaps to himself, perhaps to those gathered. “Now I bury my son. I am alone in this world; it has no light, no beauty. My house is dying.” Echt could not help but to glance at Lord Jules’ six living children. Each was frozen: statues carved from the hardest stone. No tear shed for their fallen brother, no anger shown to their father. It was like each and every one of them was already dead.
Overall, I thought it was pretty good. I felt the hook. I wondered why this father would not care about his living children. I actually think you should flesh this moment out a bit more. Give us some details as to where we are, what era it is.
posted
GJ-I liked this opening-I would have read on.
I believe the PoV charachter is Echt. I found it interesting tha the thinks of a person who he has familiarity with ("wondered if he should go to his master" "could not help but glance at LJs' six living children") refers to him as Lord Jules. I get the sense that Echt like LJ, and serves him, but continues to respect his position (which I am guessing is lower than LJs). I go into this so you can see what a reader is drawing out. The only question I have, and I think it may make it stronger is to show Echt's response to LJs dismissal of his six living children. It is a pretty strong statement for LJ to declare his life over and to be without beauty with six other kids there---how does Echt feel about that? Is he ticked because LJ is being selfish, does he sympathize because the dead son was the only heir? Perhaps the dead son was from LJs one true love, and the other six children were born out of duty to his office?
I think you have a good hook that could be improved by a little more on the setting (13 lines is tough to get everything into) and a little bit more into Echts mind.
Either way, I would read on, and if you have a few chapters I would be happy to go over them for you. I have 2 that I am finishing today and could look at a new one the start of next week.
posted
As has been said before, your pronouns are a bit confusing. Other than that, I am intrigued and would continue reading to find out why the six living children were denied.
Posts: 70 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I would read on. The only truly confusing part for me was I had no idea who was withering. But it had hook for me.
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
| IP: Logged |
Make sure we know who is doing the withering. Maybe a better idea of where we are, althogh I'm not sure how much it matters and we may well find out in the next few lines.
quote:Echt could not help but to glance at Lord Jules’ six living children.
Maybe, Echt glanced in surprise at Lord Jules's six beautiful, still living children. Something like that
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited April 16, 2008).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
