posted
Well, I redid the intro for my story. Tell me what you think.
I remember a time when men—no, men and women alike, dared to believe in the truth of their discoveries. I remember a time when we dared to look to the stars and think of the next horizon. I remember a time when we dared to believe in our principles. I remember a time when we dared to sacrifice for others. I remember a time when we dared to dream. We had fallen into stagnation before I arrived in the New World. We fell into stagnation again after the portal opened and trade and travel began between the worlds.
posted
It sounds like something is GOING to happen, but by the opening it doesn't really hook me.
There's all this buildup, but then there's no resolution. I remember a time when.... but then you don't really say anything about what is NOW.
Is your MC remembering things the real START of your story? I'm currently on the 3rd version of my novel, two beginnings before this one, and it took me about 3 years and a post on these forums to realize that the start of my novel, wasn't the start of my story.
You can always add in the background of your world in how your MC thinks, in his personality, why he acts a certain way, why he hates to do things.
But as I'll end ALL of my posts, these are my opinions, take them or leave them.
posted
GT--I kind of like the expansive voice. It creates a mysterious mood and I'd probably turn the page. However, I think by paragraph 2 you need to move things along and maybe get into more specifics. I can only hold on to these abstract concepts for so long before I start feeling adrift.
quote: I remember a time when men—no, men and women alike, dared to believe in the truth of their discoveries.Sounds grand, but I don't really know what you mean here. What truth of what discoveries? How do discoveries contain or don't contain truth? I remember a time when we dared to look to the stars and think of the next horizon. I remember a time when we dared to believe in our principles. I remember a time when we dared to sacrifice for others. I remember a time when we dared to dream.I think you could cut the last line here--you got the point across with the other statements and it felt just a bit too slow. "dared to dream" is kind of a cliche anyway--"look to the stars and think of the next horizon" was more evocative of the same notion. We had fallen into stagnation before I arrived in the New World. We fell into stagnation again after the portal opened and trade and travel began between the worlds.[b]The repetition of idea worked well in the previous para--it's not working so well for me now. I'm ready to get more involved in the story now.
Well?[b] Is this part of the story? If it is, I kind of liked it, though I don't know where its going. Signifies a chance in attitude or something.
posted
You have what sounds like an interesting world, but the way you've portrayed it in these 13 lines doesn't really make me want to read more. Nothing all that interesting is happening. If you wanted to improve this, make it more exciting, more concise. Also, I read recently, probably here somewhere, that often times the start of a book isn't the beginning of the story. That seems like what you have here. You can tell people about lost times in this world after you have their attention. Joe~
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited April 17, 2008).]
posted
Why is “men—no, men and women alike” relevant? “Mankind” or “we” would do.
Falling into stagnation is not very believable, especially when new trade and travel routes are opened. And why would EVERYONE stagnate?
Your first paragraph set me up to expect that something awful had happened to the planet, to make the entire human race hunker down, pull back, and look out for number one, not venture forth in exploration.
posted
I remember a time when I agree, mankindworks better here dared to believe in the truth of their discoveries. Get rid of the sentence intro When we dared to look to the stars and think of the next horizon. and get rid of it here To believe in our principles. and here To sacrifice for others. I remember a time when we dared to dream.
We had fallen into stagnation before I arrived in the New World. How had 'we' fallen if 'I' just arrived? We fell into stagnation again after the portal opened and trade and travel began between the worlds.
The intro intrigues me. I would probably read on. I have a few questions, though. A stagnation of what? Technological advancement? Growth in some other way? A bit of specification (not long) may help clarify.
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited May 29, 2008).]
This thread caught my attention because I'm doing something about Atlantis myself. Well, maybe not in the actual sense, I'm creating a world that will eventually be known as Atlantis. Until then it has a life of its own.
Your start looks fine to me, yet it somehow feels too impersonal. I would rather read something about characters themselves. Everything up until the final ten words is an idea, like listening to a prophet. Maybe that was your intention in the first place.
Anyway, I'm eager to read more about your version of Atlantis, if you are willing to post. Let's see how much do we sound alike...
posted
I'd turn the page, but only because there's no substance to what's been said so far. This could very easily be the intro to an original, thought provoking, well written work. It could also be the intro to a cliche piece of rubbish.
From the point of view of an editor, deciding based on thirteen lines whether or not to spend the time reading the first 20 pages, I think you may be in trouble. Putting questions into the mind of a reader early on so that they keep reading is cool, and this passage certainly does that, but no editor is going to read to page 18 to find the answer to an interesting question that was posed on page one.
Give me an action sequence, or a description of the world you've created, or something that I'll find interesting in and of itself in the first 13 lines. Then move the abstract questions to the end of chapter one.
If you give me an interesting world, then put questions about it into my mind, I'm far more likely to want to keep reading and find the answers to those questions than I am to bother seeking the answers to questions that are hanging in a vacuum.
I also think that this section ends too neatly. Especially if the voice shifts from this expansive narrative voice, to limited MC based narrative voice. Remember, most editors will read your first 13 lines out of courtesy, but that's no reason to give them a break that offers either a stop in the story, or a change in style at that point.
Having a shift like that in there is basically saying to the editor "Would you like to stop reading here? Or continue? This is a great place to make up your mind". Why would you want to do that?
At the end of 13 lines, have them in the middle of an action sequence with the narrative voice that you intend to use for the whole story. Give them no clear place at which to stop reading.
With the opening you've written above, you're giving them a place to make a decision as to whether or not they'll keep reading before they know anything about your world, before they know anything about your character(s), before they've seen any action, and before they've seen the style of writing which you will use throughout the majority of the novel.
There's a few editors out there who will keep reading for a few more lines, giving you the benefit of the doubt that this intro is necessary and looking for the information that you don't give them here, but you're giving them an invitation to decide right here whether or not they want to keep reading, and I doubt that many editors who accept that invitation would care to read any more.
quote: I remember a time when men—no, men and women alike, dared to believe in the truth of their discoveries. I remember a time when we dared to look to the stars and think of the next horizon. I remember a time when we dared to believe in our principles. I remember a time when we dared to sacrifice for others. I remember a time when we dared to dream. We had fallen into stagnation before I arrived in the New World. We fell into stagnation again after the portal opened and trade and travel began between the worlds.
Well?
Quick response - the word stagnation is used twice in a short span, and it's one of those words that stick out. Unless "the stagnation" is the great evil that people are fighting in this book, you may want to ditch one.
Longer response - I think you can address the concerns posted by others and still keep the tone and spirit of the beginning the way you have it. To me, it just needs one bomb dropped at the end to make me want to turn the page. You can easily drop one of the "I remember..." statements without too much pain.
"I was a part of that stagnation before I met Kylie."
"That was before they made the bomb."
"When they announced we only had ten years before our sun would go nova, we woke up. I hope we aren't too late."
"When the first victims of the plague died, we barely knew how to fight back."
Of course, none of these probably relate to your book, but one hook line that ties in with all the "What has the world come to?" questions at the beginning might be enough to flip the page.
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