posted
Okay, my turn. First thirteen lines from my Sci-fi novel The Quester (and I hope I did this right). It's currently up toward 90,000 words and I've been at this book for about 9 years. This is a prologue and is something I've decided to do at the start of each book, have Earth address the reader and give some back story I couldn't give other wise. After this, the book changes to third person and follows around the main characters.
This start still feels a bit choppy to me. It's under gone several revisions, been shortened and lengthened, ect. So getting it cleaned up would probably help. Here goes.
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I am the creator of all things. I have been given many names over the years from Mother, to Life, to Earth, but I will always be called Home. You are my creation, my keepers, and my protectors. Many times have I tried to create you and many times have you been destroyed. The moon that is locked in my grasp was the first of them to come. Freed from its sun, it came seeking a new place to create its keepers. I, in the beginning stages of life, was made to do battle. None were there to protect me from this assassin, but in the end, I prevailed and defeated the world. I ripped it apart and took its power for myself. So, with new strength, I began creation again, but I had many failures along the way, many set backs.
posted
A lot of people skip prologues, and though I usually don't(sorry to say) I'd skip this one. It's not for the prose--although, "Mother to Life or Earth" would be smoother without the commas, and "The moon...was the first one of them to come" was confusing--it's that 1) It has a cliche feel to the voice and 2) It's an infodump and 3) I can't get attached to the earth as a protagonist.
Ask yourself if the prologue is really necessary.
I suggest posting the first thirteen to the story, so we have a character to relate to and follow.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 18, 2008).]
I agree. This is choppy. For me the reason was I'm disconnected from a character. I could accept the Earth as a character if there was a REALLY good reason but apart from the note you posted, I can't tell the Earth is the narrator in the 13 lines. The narrator sounds more like a demigod.
It sounds like you are using the prologues and chapter starts to interfere with the story rather than letting it tell itself. If the MCs don't know the information and won't learn it, why does the reader need it?
If the only reason you have these sections is to introduce back story in an info dump, I'd suggest you cut it.
posted
Will do. To the prologue, it might not be needed, that's true, but I have to think over that. Earth's not a protagonist, more like.. we'll, I'll give up the back story going on here.
In this universe, there are these objects that essentially control the state of a universe, named Quester Stones. Their main goal is to obliterate each other from existence, leaving only one stone in the universe, and thus only one power and with all the power. In this universe, planets are Quester Stones and they use this to create life on themselves, who will carry out whatever the Stone's wishes are, be they know it or not.
Other universes have other Quester Stones (most often they aren't planets) and they each have their own set of problems associated with them. Some have achieved this full control of their universe, others haven't and they are all in different states of conflict based on size of the universe, strength, and number of Stones left. Either way, they all need living creatures that can physically do things to help them with this goal. So they either recruit or create these beings for themselves.
Yeap, I know I'm playing with cliches here, but I knew that years ago and decided to continue on anyway. Super powerful things running around trying to destroy existence, gotta have someone to stop them. Typical hero save the world stuff. Sorta anyway. The major characters are human (they are called Keepers) and while they want to keep a balance of sorts in the Universe, Earth's wishes to destroy other planets still has influence over them. Some of the Keepers are created specifically by Earth, others have been brought into the group and given abilities, through science, of course. So their connection with the planet varies as do their underlining motives.
Anyway, the main character is named Andrew. He's basically unaware of any of this business with the Quester Stones, until he meets up with the Keepers and gets dropped right into the middle of it all. He joins them and as he learns, so do the readers. He remains the main or at least a primary character through all other books.
The start of the book isn't with him, it's with the Keepers (but I can post where Andrew walks in as well, if that's what's wanted). They have received a letter from someone that's threatening to start a war an alien race called the Sonay and at the same time, he has a weapon that can destroy Earth. He challenges them to stop him. Now, I have two versions I'm currently working on with this. One version is kinda a wide over view of everything that explains everything. Sometimes I feel it works, other times I feel it's too much.
Then, a shorter one, with the same stuff going on, just all the details of what left out. I'll post the second, since I'm starting to lean more in that direction. Though, I still have to go through the entire rest of the book and make it follow this same style (I just did this - you'd think I'd stop by now with the major changes). I'll post the new thirteen lines in another post, just to keep things neat.
posted
The Raptor had called an emergency meeting. The letter they had received was terrifying and curious at the same time. They had threatened to destroy everything the Keepers stood for, but the signing of the name ‘Your Savior’ was a contradiction to be wondered at. Whoever this was knew exactly who and what they were dealing with. “About time, Raptor,” a male voice came from the room as she opened the door to the conference room. Eight others were seated around a table at the center of the room. “I want to hear what’s been decided then,” she ignored the voice, knowing it to come from another Keeper named Tech. Another male voice answered, “Yes... This person knows the exact date our dimension will be most vulnerable. We can fight off an attack from the Sonay, but if whoever this is lets lose
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posted
From the sounds of it, you don't need the Earth to explain anything. The reader will learn it as your MC (Andrew) does.
On the new version you are withholding a bit of information that you don't need to. My big issue is I still don't know who's telling me this.
quote: The Raptor okay - character one who has a title had called "had called" is passive tense - just "called" an emergency meeting of whom? .
The letter they had received <-- passive voice - was terrifying and curious at the same time don't tell me it's terrifying - show me why with the dialog . They who? Say "The Savior" had threatened "had threatened" should be "threatened" to destroy everything the Keepers another name stood for which is what? , but the signing of the name ‘Your Savior’ was a contradiction to be wondered at. Whoever this was knew exactly who and what they were dealing with. But I don't and you need to keep me in the loop “About time, Raptor,” a male voice came from the room as she opened the door to the conference room. Hu? If "she" knows who the voice is - just tell me. Also who is she?
Eight others were seated around a table at the center of the room. “I want to hear what’s been decided then,” she ignored the voice, knowing it to come from another Keeper named Tech.
Another male voice who? answered, “Yes... This person knows the exact date our dimension will be most vulnerable. We can fight off an attack from the Sonay, but if whoever this is lets lose
We have:
1) The raptor 2) they attending the meeting 3) They who threaten 4) Keepers 5) Your Savior 6 A male / Tech 7) she 8) eight others 9) another male 10) This person 11) The Sonay
Slow down, this is a novel, you have time. Settle into a POV. If the POV is the "she" and she's the Raptor, let's see this through her eyes. She presumably got the letter and presumably everyone knows what it said. If they didn't know and hadn't made a decision, the reader could be brought up to speed during her meeting.
What's the letter say?
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited June 18, 2008).]
posted
Kings_Falcon makes some good points, but I just want to add a couple things. I like this beginning much better than your first one. It has a hook--Someone with inside information is threatening to destroy them. The thing that hooks me is when I want to know something that the characters want to know too. Your world sounds interesting and well thought out, and we want to feel like a part of it.
quote:This person knows the exact date our dimension will be most vulnerable
If you tell ME when, then I can start to worry about it too. Somehow, he knows that our dimension will be the most vulnerable on Thursday at 6 o a.m. (Or whatever way they have of telling time)
posted
Yes, the second male voice does have a name, Tran, and we do get to it.. it's just he's not finished talking and he tends to be a bit long winded, so he has another two lines of speech before Raptor finally gets annoyed and stops him. Date in question is in four days from when the letter was sent. The letter itself is given before all of this, but it wasn't the heart of the start of the book, so, I skipped it.
Come to think of it, it might be better given in the middle of this meeting. We'll see what I can come up with.
Thanks for the suggestions, guys, I'm going to work on it a little and see what I can come up with. Then, go from there.
posted
Yes, the second male voice does have a name, Tran, and we do get to it.. it's just he's not finished talking and he tends to be a bit long winded, so he has another two lines of speech before Raptor finally gets annoyed and stops him. Date in question is in four days from when the letter was sent. The letter itself is given before all of this, but it wasn't the heart of the start of the book, so, I skipped it.
Come to think of it, it might be better given in the middle of this meeting. We'll see what I can come up with.
Thanks for the suggestions, guys, I'm going to work on it a little and see what I can come up with. Then, go from there.
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o a.m. (Or whatever way they have of telling time)
