posted
This is removing the prologue and starting at the true beginning. WARNING: It is a western-style fiction
My eighteenth birthday, the best day of my life. I had gotten the six-shooter and rifle my dad had owned before he died. I looked across the table over at my mother and smiled. She knew just how to make me feel good.
I took the gun holster and put it on, the dark leather fitting neatly onto my leather pants. I grabbed the beautifully crafted rifle and walked to town. Had I known that there was a gunfight going on, I wouldn’t have gone into town. One-eye Buck was yelling at some guy for “poking his girl”. I looked at who he was accusing this time. It just happened to be Ironhorse Denton, son of Tomahawk Denton, the chieftain of the Mohawk Indians. Yer dead, ya Redskin!” Yelled One-eye Buck. I always knew that Buck was an idiot, but I didn’t think he was stupid enough to take on Ironhorse.
posted
Hm... this isn't getting me. The first paragraph seems out of place, and is really just a summary. If it's important enough for you to start the story there maybe it's worth playing out the scene. Maybe let us watch him receive the present, rather than just being told he got it and that it made him feel good.
The second paragraph, too, lacks interest for me. It seems to be humorous--I don't know if that's your intent or not. The situation is just so perfunctorily related that it lacks any excitement or curiosity for me. I think it would be better to stick with one scene or the other, but not try to do both so quickly.
My instinct is to say that first person POV isn't right for this.
posted
After thinking about it...you're right it does lack any appeal. So I will totally get rid of it, because it is actually a short pointless piece of background. Thank you for helping me realize that. Maerz
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