posted
The Necrodelic wrapped his lips around the mouthpiece of the giant, blood-filled bong and inhaled. The screaming victims trapped inside began to disintegrate, their flesh pulling apart and transmogrifying into red-tinged fumes. Smoke billowed through the meditation chamber and filled the Necrodelic's lungs. Within moments, the familiar drug of death had suffused his jet-black flesh and soul. He slowly drifted into the astral plane, where Mother Chaos awaited. "My mother," he spoke, "Will I be the Messiah of Death?" "you will....together we will escape Satan...and attain the Jh'a'vyraa..." "Who is to be my next victim?"
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quote: The Necrodelic [Why not just say Satan? It could be a hook, and it seems he's the PoV Character, so, it should be the name he thinks of himself by.] wrapped his lips around the mouthpiece of the giant, blood-filled bong and inhaled. [Much clearer.] The screaming victims trapped inside began to disintegrate, their flesh pulling apart and transmogrifying<--[LoL - you just like this word, don't you? Either way, it's also much clearer.] into red-tinged fumes. Smoke billowed through the meditation chamber and filled the Necrodelic's lungs. Within moments, the familiar drug of death had suffused his jet-black flesh<--[This seems to violate PoV. He wouldn't thinmk about his flesh being jet black--unless it suddenly transmorgrified to that--because it's always been his flesh. A Caucasian wouldn't think about his flesh being white, or pink, or peach...] and soul. He [slowly<--[Don't need this adverb, genenrally drifting doesn't connote fast.] drifted into the astral plane, where Mother Chaos awaited. "[My<--[This word isn't necessary, just calling her "Mother" will set THAT image.] mother," he spoke, "Will I be the Messiah of Death?" "[Y]ou will<--[With all of the archaic word coices "will" feels like it should be "shall"....[.<--[Only three periods to ellipsis.] [together we will escape [,]Satan...and attain the Jh'a'vyraa...<--[This feels like a separate sentence, which I do not understand why the necessity of breaking it up, unless "Mother Chaos" is too stoned to speak lucidly without drifting off.]" "Who is to be my next victim?" <--[This makes Satan look like an underling.]
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 21, 2008).]
posted
Thanks for the comments. The Necrodelic actually isn't Satan, he's a completely different character. Could you please let me know what it is that might cause the confusion? I'm naive about POV. I know it stands for "point of view", but I don't know a whole lot beyond that. If you could elucidate its finer points, at least as pertains to my writing and the sentence you mentioned it in, it would be greatly appreciated. I'll do some research myself as soon as I'm done typing this. Thanks again. Best regards,
The Necrodelic wrapped his lips around the mouthpiece of the giant, blood-filled bong and inhaled. The screaming victims trapped inside began to disintegrate, their flesh pulling apart and transmogrifying into red-tinged fumes. Smoke billowed through the meditation chamber and filled the Necrodelic's lungs. Within moments, the familiar drug of death had suffused his flesh and soul. He drifted into the astral plane, where Mother Chaos awaited. "Mother Chaos," he spoke, "Will I be the Messiah of Death?" "...you shall...together we will escape Satan...and attain the Jh'a'vyraa... "Who is to be my next victim?"
Whenever Mother Chaos talks it's depicted in this manner, since she's confined to the astral plane. With regards to the POV, at what point should I describe the Necrodelic's physical features? Also, would gargantuan be a better world than giant in the first sentence? Thanks in advance to anyone who can assist.
posted
Okay. For a great help on understanding PoV, grab a copy of OSC's Characters & Viewpoint--he covers it far better than I, and makes it clear and concise. However, a viewpoint character is not going to see him- or herself from the perspective of others. Such as "black skin and raven hair" or the like. Black skin would be normal to him. "Long, raven hair" for example, would be "his hair", and the length would only be relevant (to him, the PoV) when and if it got in his line-of-sight or mouth, or something.
I saw you mention Dallas Winston in your myspace profile, I'm assuming you were referring to The Outsiders. Based on that assumption: Ponyboy thought he had cool hair. But Dally had long blond hair. He thought he had a decent build, but Darry had a flat stomach and well defined muscles.
You see the difference? I wrote Ponyboy's perspective in 3PL (3rd Person Limited). Whether in 1st or third, the PoV Character won't think of him or herself in the detailed descriptions of others...they know themselves too well to focus on that much.
I guess what made me think that the Necrodelic was Satan was Mother Chaos's reply. I took it as a reply to him:
quote:"you will....together we will escape Satan...and attain the Jh'a'vyraa..."
but, now that you mention it, it reads like they are prisoners. Stilted dialogue sometimes reads confusing to me.
Once again, I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 22, 2008).]
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Either way, it's also much clearer.] into red-tinged fumes. Smoke billowed through the meditation chamber and filled the Necrodelic's lungs. Within moments, the familiar drug of death had suffused his jet-black flesh<--[This seems to violate PoV. He wouldn't thinmk about his flesh being jet black--unless it suddenly transmorgrified to that--because it's always been his flesh. A Caucasian wouldn't think about his flesh being white, or pink, or peach...] and soul. He [slowly<--[Don't need this adverb, genenrally drifting doesn't connote fast.] drifted into the astral plane, where Mother Chaos awaited.
