posted
Genre: Fantasy Time-Plot: Lord-Of-The-Ringsish In the past, Logifer survived injuries in the Great Lumeton War, the Battle at the Border of Maltzian Gates and the Great Drought of Lumeton; but now when it came to a simple stab wound on his left liver, Logifer could only stagger across the living room - hands painted with fresh blood, shirt ruined and bleeding an enormously large path across his small brick hut. His large body stumbled hands first on the oak shelf, clumsily tipping over a small jade box, which shattered onto the cold stone floor. The remains of the jade box lay bare, whose pieces now twirled in perfect harmony mocking Logifer's wound. Given a chance, Logifer could easily heal himself using elm leaves and gustiw powder, but now Logifer's chances diminished so fast even Logifer couldn't believe it.
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited September 21, 2008).]
posted
Seeing this has been here a while, I'll take a quick stab at it. I have been avoiding critting as I seem to have developed a sharp edge. I will try to only draw first blood. Keep in mind, these are just my thoughts and are hopefully helpful.
Out-of-breath, Logifer ran across the living room to a small shelf in the corner of the room. This could be stronger if you left the out-of-breath for now, and just started the sentence with Logifer(which resembles Lucifer to me). Then the next sentence you could show the out-of-breath versus telling it. Gasping, heaving, etc.
Hands stained, shirt ruined and bleeding to death, his hands searched aimlessly across the shelf. His blood stained hands smeared the entire shelf, painting every object, then destroyed by Logifer, who threw almost every object - breakable or not - to the stone wall across the room. Hands, too many hands for me, you use the word 3 times in 2 sentences. I would suggest tigtening it, so there aren't so many mentions of hands. Also, "aimlessly" makes me think that there is no reason for him to search, but I gather he is searching for someting.
His problems were just beginning. Not sure where this came from. It pulled me out of the story.
Once the shelf was empty, Logifer's face widened. He looked down at his wound. It wasn't a terrible wound, perhaps better than the last time he was stabbed. I'll recover for sure, Logifer thought to himself, I've been through much worse. He sat there for a while. The sun's rays started to disappear from the only lonely window from the top of the hut. This paragrpah read off. His face widened? Shock? Confusion? I'm not sure why, and I should at least have an idea, was it the empty shelf? Or his wound?
My main thoughts are this, I like where you started. It has action, but not the actual fight scene, so we should get a good idea of the character, but yet we don't. I don't mind that we don't know what he is looking for, but I would like to feel his desperation for what it is. Also, you might want to try to clarify his wound. One paragrpah he is bleeding to death, the next it wasnt a terrible wound, he would heal.
I think you have a good start, I might suggest, concnetrating on the first paragrpah and building, clarifying on that and have that as your 13. This would give you a good chance to let us feel for the character, sad, worried if you want us to, or despise him if thats what you want. Right now I don't know how to feel towards him.
There's a lot of telling but I can't get a clear picture of what's happening. Or more accurately, as soon as I do, the next sentance makes me scratch my head again.
There are some nice images. If you clean it up, they won't get drowned out.
Try to solidify the POV too. I can't tell who's telling me this. The first paragraph sounds like someone other than Logifer but then the second paragraph is in first person, sort of.
my take:
quote: Out-of-breath this is telling me, rather than showing me that the effort of dragging air into his lungs makes his throat burn. But, more importantly, I immediately ask WHY is he out of breath and no answer is presented
, Logifer ran across the living room to a small shelf in the corner of the room. nice name. You have two "room"s in this sentance. Do I really need to know now it's a living room? Can he run past the TV or some other living room type fixture?
Hands stained, shirt ruined and bleeding to death hu? I suspect he's going to worry about the bleeding to death and not his shirt , his hands searched aimlessly I presume he's looking for something so the search wouldn't be "aimless" across the shelf.
His blood stained hands smeared the entire shelf, painting every object This is why I don't think you need the laundry list in the last section. This image/phrasing is better , then destroyed by Logifer reads a bit awkward. Who is the POV or does Logifer think of himself in the third person? , who threw almost why almost? every object - breakable or not - to the stone wall What? Living room made me think he was in a more traditional house across the room. His problems were just beginning. This could be a hook if I were't a bit confused already
Once the shelf was empty but he only threw "almost every object , Logifer's face widened Hu? Is he smiling or did his face actually change proportions? Did he find what he was looking for? .
He looked down at his wound. It wasn't a terrible wound, WAIT! Wasn't he just bleeding to death? perhaps better than the last time he was stabbed.
I'll recover for sure, Logifer thought to himself, I've been through much worse. this is unnecessary and repeats what you just told us
He sat there for a while. why do I care? What happened to the tension from the first paragraph? I'm beginning to feel a bit tricked.
The sun's rays started to disappear from the only lonely window from the top of the hut. Now I do feel tricked. What hut?? First I was in a house, then something cave-like and now a hut? Hu??
I'm confused by this. If you clarify what's happening, it would be easier to follow. Are you starting in the right place?
Try to focus on who is telling me this story and what his/her short term goal is. If Logifer is searching for something, we should know what and if he suceeds in finding it. Try to weed out things which seem like contraditions - i.e. bleeding to death v. it wasn't a terrible would . . . I'll recover - or give me a reason to accept that the situation's changed.
posted
I'll try not to retread the other comments. This sentence has two issues:
Hands stained, shirt ruined and bleeding to death, his hands searched aimlessly across the shelf.
I suggest changing 'his hands' to 'he'; otherwise, you have a dangling participial phrase. 'His hands' does the action, but the beginning phrase does not refer to 'his hands'. (It refers to the unstated 'he' who has stained hands, ruined shirt, etc.
I think it would read better with a comma after 'ruined'; otherwise, you tend to think the shirt is ruined and bleeding until you read further. (The real problem is that the last element of the list has a different grammatical form than the first two elements: past tense, past tense, present/infinitive.) I suggest you look at that, too.
His blood[-]stained hands smeared the entire shelf, painting every object, then destroyed by Logifer, who threw almost every object - breakable or not - to[at] the stone wall across the room.
The above sentence has an odd construction. I'll reduce some details to emphasis the construction:
His hands smeared the shelf, painting every object, then destroyed by Logifer, who threw every object to the stone wall.
It is almost indecipherable. I think you mean that:
Logifer smeared the shelf with his hands and then destroyed it and threw its contents to[at] the stone wall.
I'd suggest starting over with that paragraph and breaking it down into two or three sentences
It wasn't a terrible wound, perhaps better than the last time he was stabbed.
A 'better' wound than the last one sounds odd. Perhaps a lesser wound or a less-dangerous wound.
posted
I will second that Logifer has some dark lord overtures.
You'll have a stronger start with omitting Out of breath, get straight to the running, cos then we need to know what the hurry is about.
Too many "Hands" in Hands stained. Also Is Logifer bleeding to death? Or was it not a terrible wound? If he is bleeding to death, then it would seem the only time he could have been stabbed worse he would have been dead.
I like bloody hands searching aimlessly across the shelf. But then it does get a little confusing. I'll add the suggestion of perhaps going through Logifer's emotional range. I am guessing he is in some sort of frenzied rage? Is he scared or pressed or what? Perhaps you can show these emotions in the place of the word blood, like "His raging hand," Or maybe "His desperate hand, searched." And if he is pressed, you can say something like "Seconds Logifer couldn't afford drained along with his blood across the shelf." I dunno, maybe to clarify. I'm feeling the blood too much in the first paragraph. (And I like blood!)
Nice foreshadowing with his problems just beginning.
Logifer's face can not possibly have widened could it? Maybe his eyes, maybe his smile. But his face? Perhaps you mean fell? And since we know the shelf is empty, that part may be redundant and a broader view of your scene might serve better, maybe Logifer is backing up a little? Maybe he steps on some broken thingy? Logifer is awfully nonchalant about it, too. Am I correct to assume he is the super hero here? If so, his first impression could use a little PR work. If you really, really dig your guy, you should give him a better opening line. Because right now, he's giving off the impression of a little case of bi-polar. Now he's bleeding to death, Now he's on some sort of frantic, rockstar rage, breaking crap, now he's like I'll recover for sure? He is also repeating the narrators thought when he says "I've been through much worse."
If he is still bleeding to death, he really needs to seek medical attention and not sit there for a while to watch the sunset.
I'd read a bit more, but I read fast, and the mad, bloody hand ranging all over the place does make one wonder....
[This message has been edited by Reagansgame (edited August 19, 2008).]
posted
Half-way conscience, Logifer ran across the living room to a small shelf in the corner. Hands stained, shirt ruined and bleeding an enormously large path across his small straw hut, he finally landed on the oak shelf, where he stumbled and collapsed onto a small jade box. He examined the empty box, then deliberately threw the object across the room. Logifer's desperation intensified, while emptying every object on the top shelf from the cold stone floor. Once the shelf was empty, Logifer looked down at his wound. Logifer knew in his heart that given a chance, he could easily heal himself using elm leaves and gustiw powder, though the absence of elm leaves during the snowing season perhaps immediately destroyed his prospects of survival. Perhaps his
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited August 24, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited August 25, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 25, 2008).]
Are you sure this is the right place to start? Sure there's tension and action but you have to do so much back filling to have the action be clear.
Some of my comments might seem to be taking the text a bit to literal BUT until I know the genre they COULD be literal. I've suspended my disbelief so until you root me into a time and place, I will assume everything is literal.
My take:
quote: Half-way conscience, Logifer ran plausibility issue for me. No one that is half-way conscious is going to be running. Staggering I'd give you, but not running across the living room to a small shelf in the corner. Hands stained, shirt ruined and bleeding the shirt was bleeding? Tell me where the wound is an enormously large path second plausibility problem. Check with the medical people on the board but, I'm reasonably sure if he's bleeding that heavily all he's going to be doing is lying in an everwidening puddle across his small straw hut, he finally landed on the oak shelf Hu? Did he actually land on the shelf - is he standing on it? , where he stumbled and collapsed onto a small jade box. WAIT!! Did the MC just shrink? HU??
He examined the empty box okay, you made me think the box was important and then he threw it away as junk? Which BTW, if he's collapsed on top of it, how is he doing this? , then deliberately you don't need the adverb threw the object across the room. Logifer's desperation intensified HOW? What desperation? If this is his POV show me what he is thinking. Is he looking for something specific? Is he upset about the wound? What is going on in his head? , while emptying every object on the top shelf from I think you mean "to" the cold stone floor. Once the shelf was empty, Logifer looked down at his wound. okay, the connection between the shelf and, well, everything else is still not being made. Logifer knew in his heart that given a chance <-- His POV. You don't need to tel lme "he knew" , he could easily heal himself using elm leaves and gustiw powder so why isn't that what he was looking for? , though the absence of elm leaves during the snowing season perhaps immediately destroyed his prospects of survival this seems a bit out of POV. Doesn't he care? What was up with the ransacking of the shelf . Perhaps his
Even though you start with an action scene, I don't care about Logifer or even know what he's doing. So, you're not hooking me even though I want to be hooked.
It's a novel. Take the time to develop what is happening so this scene makes sense to the reader who doesn't know what you do about the world.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited August 26, 2008).]
posted
Logifer, the once famed founding father of Lumeton who once defended Lumeton against natural ails and pending invasions from neighboring countries, now staggered across the living room - hands stained, shirt ruined and bleeding an enormously large path across his small straw hut. He finally collapsed hands first on the oak shelf, where he stumbled, clumsily tipping over a small jade box, which crashed down onto the cold stone floor. Given a chance, Logifer could easily heal himself using elm leaves and gustiw powder, though the absence of elm leaves during the snowing season perhaps made survival dependent on his savings from the season before. The remains of the box showed no signs of remaining elm leaves - his chances of survival had dropped so suddenly even Logifer himself could
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited August 26, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 26, 2008).]
posted
What's happening is much clearer for me. Who's telling me the story though -i.e. who is the POV? The voice has gone from something I thought was his POV to either full omni or an observer's POV.
If Logifer is our POV, I don't think he be thinking about his status as the "once famed founding father. . . ." Also, even if he would, the insertion of the information here takes away from the tension of what is happening.
What you have is something's happened to Logifer and he has an apparent mortal wound. He staggers into his hut, looks for medicine and doesn't find it. If you tighten up the search, you'll have time to show me why I should care.
Something like as taking this:
clumsily tipping over a small jade box, which crashed down onto the cold stone floor. Given a chance, Logifer could easily heal himself using elm leaves and gustiw powder, though the absence of elm leaves during the snowing season perhaps made survival dependent on his savings from the season before. The remains of the box showed no signs of remaining elm leaves
And turning it into:
"Elm leaves," he muttered as he opened the jade box. "Damn." The empty container crashed to the floor.
Now, that's me. Don't give up your voice by adopting someone else's. It won't work anyway. But try something to break the habit (and I have it too ) of telling.
If you cut what IMHO is the "telling" and do a bit of reordering you get:
Logifer staggered across the living room. (His hands were) stained (with his own blood), shirt ruined and bleeding an enormously large path across his hut. (He reached out for the shelf where his medicinal herbs were and)stumbled, tipping over (the) jade box. (It) crashed onto the stone floor. The remains of the box showed no signs of the elm leaves (he needed to heal himself). **** Six-ish lines, for me to fill the 13 lines I have to use all this extra space in the text box. This is a lot of room to tell me what else happens and get me engaged with the setting, people and the like. Humm, still more room. Let's see. You are on the right track. Just try to condense what you've got and get to the story. - Ahh, that's the 13th line.
With a novel, you have more space and time to hook me. "Common wisdom" is you have a page or two. You've introduced a life/death situation so I'll probably give you the page to have it mean something to me if the writing and POV is clear.
I did like the "hands painted with blood" phrase that you seem to have dropped now.
posted
I don't have much to add here. Your words are getting in the way of the story, I think. You've got an intriguing situation--the elm leaves, the character wounded and searching for a cure--but the telling removes it too far from the action and immediacy of the scene.
Also, be careful of qualifications:
Given a chance, Logifer could easily heal himself using elm leaves and gustiw powder, though the absence of elm leaves during the snowing season perhaps made survival dependent on his savings from the season before.
Why "perhaps"? If there are no elm leaves around the he has no choice but to rely on his store of leaves, right? Cut off the trim, give us the meat.
posted
Being disconnected from the scene is deliberate - it goes into action within two paragraphs. This is more setting the scene. I want it to be a mystery why he is injured until the end of the chapter. If I just said that "oh, he just committed a murder," I don't think it would hook the audience as well.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
Actually, it might. I'd be interested on the who's, what's and why's. Also, if I got to the end of your first chapter after assuming he was a victim and found out he was a killer, you run a really high risk that I'd put the story back down.
I'll take forever to get back to you (work's a bit crazed right now), but if you want to shoot me the first chapter, feel free.
posted
In the past, Logifer survived injuries in the Great Lumeton War, the Battle at the Border of Maltzian Gates and the Great Drought of Lumeton; but now when it came to a simple stab wound on his left liver, Logifer could only stagger across the living room - hands painted with fresh blood, shirt ruined and bleeding an enormously large path across his small brick hut. His large body stumbled hands first on the oak shelf, clumsily tipping over a small jade box, which shattered onto the cold stone floor. The remains of the jade box lay bare, whose pieces now twirled in perfect harmony mocking Logifer's wound. Given a chance, Logifer could easily heal himself using elm leaves and gustiw powder, but now Logifer's chances diminished so fast even Logifer couldn't believe it.
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited September 21, 2008).]
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) of telling. 
