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Hello, I am looking for opinions on construction, character development and plot. I am very new, full of "story" with little experience. I am finished with the book, now I need help polishing it. I bought "BLOCKBUSTER PLOTS",and am working on a scene tracker diagram. I see how writing can be "dissected" into bits and then reconstructed with something salable! I hope.
I am writing in the Sci-fi Fantasy genre. It seems to be the most fun and flows like "water" I hope you like the flavor. We are given a quest as the result of the Mayan Calendar prophecy of 2012. This came about with an epiphany at sea.
We were on the wind, hard on the wind, sailing up the California coast from San Diego; “ALLURE”, our Columbia 50, deck awash as wind pressure forced us into the constant battle between wind force on our sails and the heavy lead ballast succumbing to the force of gravity and trying to “pull” us upright. This is the life of a sailboat. She pounded under reefed sails. The wind and the tide were against us off Pt Magu, California. It was fall I think, 2010. We were making for Ventura, Calif. which was going to be our new harbor and home. I hated to leave Chula Vista, our old harbor because I had a “sit in” at “Bob’s On the Bay “ Seafood Restaurant, playing conga drums with a Calypso Band once in a while. “The band was cool like the Margaritas”.
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Yay on finishing that draft! It sounds like you might also enjoy Plot & Structure by James Scott Bell.
There are elements here that I like very much; it has a nice feel. Some passages are repetitive and awkward, pulling me out of the flow. Some of the terms are perhaps too technical. I’d get rid of the quotes, since no one is speaking.
My take (I hope re-write suggestions are okay):
We were hard on the wind, sailing up the California coast from San Diego. The Allure’s deck was awash as wind pressure forced us into a constant battle to stay afloat. Its force on our sails countered the heavy lead ballast to pull us upright. This is the life of a sailboat. She pounded over the waves, sails reefed to keep her stable. The wind and the tide were against us off Pt. Magu. It was fall I think, 2010. We were making for Ventura, our intended new harbor and home.
I hated to leave our old berth in Chula Vista, because I had a sit-in at Bob’s On the Bay, playing conga drums with a calypso band once in a while. The band was cool like the Margaritas.
Well, 'intended' doesn't sound right there.
Sorry, I can't give you feedback on more. Hope this bit helps!
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 11, 2008).]
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Mrs Brown, thank you for the critique. I have a couple of clarifications for you. 1. The "ALLURE". Vessel names are in italics and capitals. I don't understand "the"?? The boat is fine but "ALLURE" is the name of the boat. 2. Staying afloat is rather extreme for our situation. this all "really" happened! We were in no way in danger of sinking. Unconfortable due to underwater disturbances which comes out later on in the story. 13 lines does not give enough for me. I really like your critique. I have re-written in the other F & F page. This is in fact Fantasy, I don't have enough in 13 lines to develop the plot. This is only a small background and location on much bigger events.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2008
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