posted
First, these 13 lines are pretty much crap. I understand that, but I'm having real trouble deciding how to turn it into useable material. I can't seem to rework it in a way that I like. I thought that I'd post the original blurb and get your ideas on it, work on it, and repost accordingly. Hopefully, it will look totally different at the end of all this.
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When the transmissions stopped we didn’t know what to do. We had redundancy plans for just this occasion, but somehow, believing that it would never happen, we let them fall by the wayside. The past 1,000 years had lulled us into an artificial stupor but now the unthinkable happened. Earth was gone. And now we, the ones who were never to go back into space had to save it. How we were going to recover the technology or where we were going to find people to venture back, we had no idea.
posted
When the transmissions stopped we didn’t know what to do. We had redundancy (is redundancy really the word you meant to use here? I would think "back-up" or "contingency" plans or something, I don't know what a "redundancy" plan is) plans for just this occasion, but somehow, believing that it would never happen, we let them fall by the wayside (so they don't have a plan is what your saying. It feels kind of uneccessary to say they did have a plan, since they dont anymore). The past 1,000 years had lulled us into an artificial stupor (I don't know what an artificial stupor is, are they not really in a stupor, but think they are? I would consider that to mean the ARE in a stupor, I don't think its something that can be artificial. on second thought, do you mean a false sense of security?) but now the unthinkable happened ( I don't see how the beginning and the end of the sentence relate). Earth was gone. And now we, the ones who were never to go back into space had to save it(Earth appears to be beyond saving from the sentence before stating that it was "gone", If it's lost, they could try and find it, but if its gone it sounds like they are too late to save it). How we were going to recover the technology or where we were going to find people to venture back, we had no idea. (what technology, why don't they just venture back)
This is very disjointed and seems to contradict alot. "we didnt know what to do" vs. "we had to save it(earth)". "We had plans" vs. "we don't have plans" (might as well say "plans - if ever there were plans- had been lost over the past 1,000 years" etc.)
At the end, we have come full circle to what is said in the very first sentence without any real information inbetween. There is the 1,000 years which is good, but not much other than that. Everything needed from this thirteen can be put into two sentences:
"When the tranmissions from earth stopped for the first time in 1,000 years we did not know what to do. Any contingency plans had been lost over a century of false security and slack protocol."
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 15, 2008).]
posted
I don't really get what's going on. It's too vague to really sink my teeth into. Okay, Earth is gone. That sucks, but I have no idea what else is going on here. I don't know who's speaking, or where they are, or even when.
I suggest you focus more on the people involved than trying to give us this large scope perspective.
When the transmissions stopped we didn’t know what to do. We had redundancy plans for just this occasion, but somehow, believing that it would never happen, we let them fall by the wayside Wait, so did or didn't they have redundancy plans for this? Or do you mean they had intended to make plans but didn't? Or that the plans are worthless? All three say very different things. The past 1,000 years had lulled us into an artificial stupor but now the unthinkable happened. Earth was gone. And now we, the ones who were never to go back into space Okay, so they aren't supposed to go into space... where the heck are they? You haven't established if they are on a colony or what. The only other option so far is Earth or space. Also, this is redundant. It feels like you're spinning your wheels here.had to save it So is it gone or not? . How we were going to recover the technology What technology? or where we were going to find people to venture back, we had no idea Venture back where? To earth which is gone? How literally do you mean that?.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 15, 2008).]
posted
With some reordering of information and a POV to sink into you could have a compelling start.
Why not start with the kick in the gut?
Ex:
Earth was gone.
Then you can delve into your MC's problem i.e. there is an impossible task (which you should tell me clearly what it is) and no instruction manual on how to do it.
posted
Thanks! I actually did rewrite it, but I think I'm going to rework it even more before I put it up. Hopefully I will this evening. Again, thank you!
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