posted
Grystiawa's sunset was a bloodletting, a bloodletting Morpheus Rex felt in his flesh as he gazed like a drugged emperor through the opaque stained-glass window of his prism palace, Phantasmagorika. Scarlet rays sprayed the firmament as if from a thousand severed carotid arteries, clouds absorbing the infinite shades of red until they hung like blood-soaked bandages across the wounded skies. Crepuscular crimson sunbeams flowed profusely over the planet, as though the jugular veins of Satan himself had been slashed asunder. At the nexus of this ensanguined twilight the red sun Tyterviax beat like a dying heart, sinking deeper and deeper into a lake of its own blood, twitching like the final remnants and scattered shrapnel of daylight which lay strewn around it while it drowned.
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited September 29, 2008).]
posted
This is way overdone, in my opinion. All the bloody imagery turns me off. The relevant part is:
quote:sunset was a bloodletting... Morpheus Rex felt in his flesh as he gazed like a drugged emperor through the opaque stained-glass window of his prism palace
Since this is chapter two I assume the reader knows who Morpheus is; does he think of himself with his last name/title of Rex?
- How does he feel it in his flesh? - How does one gaze like a drugged emperor? - I am somewhat intrigued by the opaque window, but how then can he see what is outside? I guess chapter one would make some things clearer. Nit: The long names are hard to get a hold of.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 29, 2008).]
posted
I found the imagery a bit overdone. It may prove useful to tone down the detailing enough to describe the EMOTIONS of Morpheus Rex rather than the setting.
(Note: This is a personal pet peeve) It is not necessary to use such big words (crepuscular for example) when the names within your story are unfamiliar and long. Just a thought.
Its got promise though, I found myself wondering why Rex was imprisoned and why he is weakened (if that is what being like 'a drugged emperor' means.)
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