posted
Here is my opening 13 lines for WEBS, a YA urban-fantasy fairy tale retelling. I've changed this many, many times, and I am finally pretty happy with the opening chapter as a whole. Now is the time to let others wisdom help me see my errors!
BTW, I copied the little alphabet template to get the 13 lines exactly right, but I'm using Safari and...well, it didn't work exactly. I think I got it, but forgive me?
I could see from the moment Courtney flounced into Biology she was headed for another fall. She bent down and whispered to her current sidekick, while her eyes scanned the room. As soon as she spotted Josh her emotions erupted—flamingo pink fireworks everywhere. I was just grateful this time I couldn’t hear the conversation. Instead, I tried not to watch as her aura turned from bubble gum to leafy green hurt. This was the third time Courtney had tried to get Josh’s attention, all three failures. I tried to intervene the first time, directing Courtney’s attention to one of the several boys I knew really were interested, but nothing helped. “You’re awfully quiet,” Ben said, as we pulled out of the school parking lot.
Note from Kathleen: Thanks, for trying, neener.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 24, 2008).]
posted
This is a bit too “girlie” for my taste but I suspect it hits the mark for your audience. It’s an interesting premise.
In general, folks around here keep saying to write the darn thing (all of it) instead of tweaking it to death. You've got enough going for you here that they'll probably give you the same advice
That said, my comments are nitpicks:
Biology that she… I kept trying to insert “that”. Maybe a comma instead? Or maybe, “From the moment Courtney flounced into Biology, I could see she was headed for another fall.”
“while her eyes scanned the room” -> not sure you need this. Same for “just”, and “Instead”, and “the” (before several boys).
I was thrown when they pulled out of the parking lot; the setting is Biology class. There’s no transition.
posted
Thanks for the response (slow weekend around here, apparently). Actually, the whole thing is written and I'm just finishing up my post-writing tweaks. I'm curious about your recommended deletions though--I feel like some of those words (not "the") help establish my MC's voice. Any thoughts?
Thanks for the input about needing a transition. It has been in & out of various drafts...
posted
Hmm, I was hoping someone else would comment. Oh well. There're a lot of contests and such going on.
I look for deletions where the text can be made leaner. The main one:
quote:I was just grateful this time I couldn’t hear the conversation. Instead, I tried not to watch...
IMHO "just" doesn't add anything, and I don't see it contributing to voice, but its not a big deal *shrug*
"Instead" jumps out at me as an awkward attempt to transition from one idea to another. Both actions are negative and don't contrast well. I couldn't hear; instead, I tried not to watch - versus - I didn't want to hear; instead, I ignored them... It pulls me out of the story.
You used "I tried" twice. And in this example she did watch anyway. Maybe something like, I watched out of the corner of my eye...??
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 27, 2008).]
posted
The mind picture I get is of a young high school girl trying to get a boy to like her. The MC POV character appears to be an aura reader and might be either a friend of Courtneys or someone that can plant thoughts into others heads. I would read more to explore that hook but I am not your target audience.
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