posted
I've finally started putting words down for a story I've had in my head for a few years now. I'd love any and all feedback on the first 13.
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The great lie of happiness is that it can last forever. Jirand Setalle shook his head ruefully at the thought and emptied his shovelful of dirt into the hole. The cascading earth pattered dully atop the wooden box below. “We’re all the same in the end, ain’t we?” a wry smile touched his lips as Jirand laughed dryly, speaking aloud to the half buried casket. As he drew back the shovel for another load, an arrow thudded into the ground a hairsbreadth from his foot. “You’d be smart to keep your mouth shut and your arms moving, grave rat, else you’ll be filling a hole of your own before long.” A voice rasped from behind Jirand and caused him to jump. “I was wondering when you’d show up, Fettes.” Jirand spared a quick glance behind himself. The tall figure a few yards back
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 12, 2008).]
posted
Really liked this. Moves along well, may not be too hooky--there seems to be definete conflict between the two characters here.
My only complaint is that the sentence containing the arrow landing near Jirand seems too "played down" (perhaps not the right wording). I would have liked to see this stand out more; and I had a bit of a problem with Jirand jumping from the voice, especially after an arrow landed so near him, I would figure if anything gave him a jump it would be that.
But these ARE small things, I think the writing is strong, I would like to read on.
posted
I liked it too. I think the hook is strong, why is he burying people and who is that guy shooting an arrow at him. Those are the questions that would keep me reading right now. Also I would want to know why he thought that first statement. So, plenty of hooks. I agree about the arrow too. I would jump if an arrow landed near me. When I read it I thought that maybe he was just used to arrows being shot in his direction, and he's a felon being forced to work, but then he jumps at the voice.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
Thank you both for the replies. I've gone back and forth on the arrow bit for the same reason that has been mentioned. The reaction just doesn't ring true for who the character is. I plan to do some revision of it.
Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
Here is a revision based on the above comments. Thoughts on the flow? The believability of the character? Is there enough of a hook? Dialogue comes later, which I admit has always been a concern for me, so if anyone is interested in reading the first five pages or so and offering comments, I'd be very grateful.
The great lie of happiness is that it can last forever. Jirand Setalle shook his head ruefully at the thought and slowly emptied his shovelful of dirt into the hole. The cascading earth pattered dully atop the wooden box below. “We’re all the same in the end, ain’t we?” a wry smile touched his lips as Jirand laughed dryly, speaking aloud to the half buried casket. As he drew back the shovel for another load, an arrow thunked into the ground a hairsbreadth from his foot. He spun round, dirt spraying in an arc around him as he brought the shovel to bear defensively. The tall figure a few yards back held a bow in a large hand and stood next to a handcart. He wore the red tabard of the city Watch, the golden falcon of Tarsid emblazoned on the chest.
posted
It flows a bit better but you could still do some trimming. I like the first line. For me that was the hook but the rest of the section doesn't seem to support that hook. That someone is firing an arrow at him probably gets me to give you a few more lines to see if the promise of the first pans out and what's happening.
My take:
quote: The great lie of happiness is that it can last forever. Nice first line Jirand Setalle I'm not sure you need the last name. He's probably not going to think of himself by his full name and we're in his POV shook his head ruefully this -ly doesn't help you. It also makes me wonder if you are going to tell me every emotion he's feeling rather than show it. The thought and the rest of his line shows me the "ruefully" at the thought <-- also probably not necessary and slowly this -ly is important and don't let anyone tell you differently emptied his shovelful of dirt into the hole. The cascading earth pattered dully <--this one probably isn't, pattered does a better job of conveying the sound than "dully." atop the wooden box below. “We’re all the same in the end, ain’t we?” a wry smile touched his lips as Jirand laughed dryly either he's smiling, which was the better image for me, or he's laughing, it's hard to do both at the same time. , speaking aloud to the half buried casket <-- don't need to tell me that. Because you've used quotes I know he's speaking aloud. Because you haven't told me anyone else is around, I'll assume he's talking to himself and/or at the casket . As he drew back the shovel for another load this might be stronger at two separate sentances i.e. "He stabbed the shovel into the pile of dirt. An arrow thunked . . ." , an arrow thunked into the ground a hairsbreadth okay, people are going to have different opinions on this but having tried to change measurements myself, readers tend to resist it. While "hairsbreath" is somewhat common use be careful. Stick to inches, hands or centimeters from his foot. He spun round, dirt spraying in an arc around him unless he's actually gotten another shovelful, which he didn't in your version, the dirt can't spray out as he brought the shovel to bear defensively "defensively" is weak. Show me. Is he holding it like a pitchfork? Is above his head so he can smash someone with it? how is he holding it? . The tall figure a few yards back held a bow in a large hand and stood next to a handcart. He wore the red tabard of the city Watch, the golden falcon of Tarsid emblazoned on the chest. you could combine these and lose the haycart reference for now. If someone's holding a weapon on you, all you are going to see is that - Ex:
A tall man wearing the red tabard of the Watch with the crest of the golden falcon of Tarsid gripped a bow in his large hand.
You used 38 words, I conveyed nearly the same (less the haycart and distance) information in 26. Also, I'm confused if Tarsid is different from the city.
It's a nice start. A bit of trimming and you can probably get the start of the dialog back in the 13.
posted
I like this version. The dirt spraying in an arc is nice. And isn't kings_falcon awesome? What she said.
Posts: 785 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Thanks for the amazing reply, Kings Falcon. I really appreciate the breakdown. I hadn't realized I used so many adverbs in my writing. One of my little quirks I need to be more mindful of. I noticed quite a few when I went through the rest of what I had written.
I do disagree with your comment that you can't laugh and smile at the same time. In my experience, it is rare to see a laugh without a smile. Laugh in a mirror sometime without smiling and you'll see how odd and unnatural it looks.
You've given me a lot to think about, and trends to look for in my writing, which is extremely helpful. Thanks again!
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emptied his shovelful of dirt into the hole. The cascading earth pattered dully <--this one probably isn't, pattered does a better job of conveying the sound than "dully." atop the wooden box below. 
