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Author Topic: Warriors of the Void 1st 13
HappyPyro
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This would be more of a fantasy story, about 12 900 words written so far. I will post the first 13 lines of the first chapter here and you are more than welcome to give feedback. I also dont mind if there are any volunteers to read and review what I have done.

Myron glanced warily over his shoulder, turning to look at the shadows and gloom of the narrow roads that spanned behind him. His horse skittered and whinnied with the slightest burst of a twig beneath its rich hoof. In a drunken state he was no more aware of everything around him as he usually was. He did not notice the white haired young woman with the face of snow, nor did he notice the man from the Orient or that he was being followed by his own brother, a pistol packed neatly and obviously at his belt, next to his jeweled sword.
He held a torch before him to light his way, but even that did not curb his unease. His brother’s horse began to canter forward, its hooves clopping with the well bred, absurd gate it affected each time it sallied forth. Myron’s stomach churned

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 09, 2008).]


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shimiqua
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Hi HappyPyro,
First off, your name makes me smile. That said lets get to your work.
I think overall you are setting a good tone for the piece. There is a lot of tension and interesting little things, the pistol, and the albino woman are my personal favorites, however there are a few things, that to me make me go "Huh?"
For example the warily in the first sentence. If he is looking behind himself in a paranoid warilyness,(I know, not a word) wouldn't he notice the people coming up behind him?

I think a stronger choice would add to the tension,for example if even though drunk, he see's the three people following him, and then he try to evade them. It seems like what you want to say is that this guy did something awful, so awful in fact that his own brother is going to kill him, and he tried to drown his guilt in alcohol. Then the hook is, "What did he do?" and he entrinsically becomes sympathetic to the reader.
Right now it reads like this crazy drunk man on a skittish horse is oblivious and about to die, and overall, I, as the reader, don't really care.
I really like “Lord Myron de Rouchefort, by the power vested in me by God and the Lord King Louis XVI, I am to relieve you of both station and life for your treasons against both Lord and country.” Great setting line. Maybe you could start there, I don't know, just a thought. What does Myron think about his own brother coming to kill him? Other than being drunk, and paranoid, how does Myron feel about what is going on. Does he feel guilty, proud, disgusted, relieved that he is about to die. I think you should dig in a little deeper, unless he actually does die, but if that is the case why are you starting with him?

I think it has potentual to be really interesting, but the first three lines should be reworked, so that the character show some kind of redeaming quality, above his title, and his treason, so The reader really cares whether Myron lives or dies.
Just my two cents,
~Sheena


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HappyPyro
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Thanks for the suggestions! They are actually really helpful and I think I shall go back and rework it. ^_^
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InarticulateBabbler
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My take:

quote:

Myron glanced warily over his shoulder[, turning to look<--IMHO - cut. Redundant: Glanced over his shoukder IS turning to look, but quickly.] at the shadows [and gloom of,--I suggest replacing this with: along] the narrow roads that spanned behind him. His horse skittered and whinnied with the slightest [burst of a twig<--twigs usually snap, not burst.] beneath its rich[Huh?] hoof. In a drunken state he [Myron or the horse?] was no more aware of everything around him as he usually was.<--[Doesn this mean he is usuallu unaware of his surroundings?] He did not notice the white haired young woman with the face of snow[Are we not seeing things from his PoV? If we are, we can't notice him NOT noticing.], nor did he notice the man from the Orient[see my last comment.' or that he was being followed by his own brother[Okay, so he's an idiot, to boot.], a pistol packed neatly and obviously at his belt[,<--Cut.] next to his jeweled sword.
He[Who?] held a torch before him to light his way, but even that did not curb his unease[What unease? I was given to think he's oblivious]. His brother’s[Is this Myron's brother or Myron?] horse began to canter forward, its hooves clopping [with<--Don't need this word.] the well bred, absurd gait [gate<--Kill this, it is the wrong spelling.] it affected each time it sallied forth. Myron’s stomach churned

I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me here. I pick up the approximate time period, but not the true danger, sign of conflict or reason for one. Is his brother {name?} murderous? The White-hairded woman? The man from the Orient? Orient should be used with care, it was commonly used as the Middle East, and Asain People take offense.

I hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 10, 2008).]


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kings_falcon
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What IB said.

I'm not sure who is telling me this story. If it's Myron, there are some POV violations - "he didn't notice." If it's Full Omni, you probably need to do a better job establishing that. If it's someone else, you probably can't tell me what Myron is thinking.


How is a hoof rich?


This line - In a drunken state he was no more aware of everything around him as he usually was - confused me. Why tell me this. If he's drunk, I'll assume he's not being as observant as normal. It he's drunk and observant, THAT I need to know.


"He as this is written, it's the brother as the last noun mentioned held a torch before him while riding??? Neat trick to light his way, but even that did not curb his unease." - again, you told me Myron's oblivious so why is he now uneasy?

What's a "well bred absurd gate"? If you mean the movement of the horse - it's "gait." Also, a canter's a 3 beat gait and it sounds more like a rolling beat thatn a clopping one. It's the trot or walk that horses like the Walkers have special gaits at. Canter, gallop and dead run are pretty much universal.

I'd try to get the treason line moved into the 13 and focus on one point of view.


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