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This is my first attempt at posting my work. Any comments or advise would be greatly appreciated.
Boy stood firm in the center of the clearing as the sand began to swirl around his feet. Staring absentmindedly at the ruins before him, he couldn’t help remembering when his father had first brought him here all those years ago. It was amusing to think of how scary the sand storms had been back then. “Don’t be scared Boy,” his father had said, “take notice of the ground beneath your feet. Forget the sand about your face, and focus on the greater beauty. There are few alive today who have had the privilege of coming to this place. Always remember Boy, Mother Earth may have been abandoned, but she must never be forgotten. It is our duty to preserve her treasures. The stinging touch of the sand on his cheek broke Boy’s trance. It was time to find shelter once again.
posted
hmmm I liked it....I could picture it and it was hooky for me...I'll let better writers crit your prose Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
I just had an "oh yeah?" about the sandstorm.
My knowledge says that sandstorms ARE dangerous. So it was interesting when he was amused at how afraid he used to be, and that the father told him not to worry. I can buy that, though. Maybe there's something about these people I don't know that makes them stronger than normal humans.
But then, Boy felt the sand on his face and went to take shelter. So...are they dangerous to him or not? If a grown man needs shelter, why would his father have kept his son outside in the middle of one?
posted
A small technical thing- you need a close quote on the father's last sentence. I did think the advice about what to do in a sand storm, “take notice of the ground beneath your feet. Forget the sand about your face…” was really good. Maybe the rest should be a separate talk. It’s really hard to say with such a small portion of the story. Over all, I liked it just fine.
Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2008
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