Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Book One The Shaman's Curse (Fantasy, about 90K words)

   
Author Topic: Book One The Shaman's Curse (Fantasy, about 90K words)
Meredith
Member
Member # 8368

 - posted      Profile for Meredith   Email Meredith         Edit/Delete Post 
This is the first 13 of Book One. After I finish my revision/editing/cutting of the first part of Book Two, I'm going to go back and make hopefully the last revision on this one.

The boys sat with their heads together, carefully laying their plans. They would have to be wily. The adults would not have approved of their plans. In some sense, the boys had been hatching this plan all winter. Their people, the Dardani, had moved their horses and cattle to pastures along the Gna River last autumn. The grazing elsewhere on the plains had dried up after an exceptionally dry summer. Now that fresh grasses could be seen sprouting everywhere following the winter rains, the herdsmen were already talking about moving the herds, and the people, back to their traditional grazing grounds. That meant that the boys would have to act soon if they were to achieve their goal.


Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
satate
Member
Member # 8082

 - posted      Profile for satate   Email satate         Edit/Delete Post 
It's very distant and feels like a summary. It lacks a strong voice. It just has the narrator or author telling us what's happening and giving a little backstory. It would be much more engaging and have a better hook, if it was from a definite POV and we saw events through their lens. Or keep a narrator, if you want a narrator, but give the narrator a personality or opinion. If I were you I would choose a POV character and dive into them for the first thirteen. That way we get someone to meet and care about. It sounds like it could be a good story.

[This message has been edited by satate (edited January 02, 2009).]


Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meredith
Member
Member # 8368

 - posted      Profile for Meredith   Email Meredith         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks. I've been mildly dissatisfied with it and couldn't put my finger on what it was. You're right about starting off with the POV character, though.
Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meredith
Member
Member # 8368

 - posted      Profile for Meredith   Email Meredith         Edit/Delete Post 
How's this:

Vatar sat with his head close to the other two boys'. They were carefully laying their plans to defeat the watchfulness of the adults.
“Do you think we can get away with it?” Fenar asked anxiously.
“We can if you don’t lose your nerve,” Torkaz said. “It depends on you. You have to get us good horses so we can ride far enough that they won’t see us turn back to the river.”
“Vatar?” Fenar turned to his older brother.
“It’s almost our only chance, Fenar. The herdsmen are already talking about moving. If we’re going to explore the river, we have to do it now. Don’t you want to see it?”


[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 02, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 02, 2009).]


Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meredith
Member
Member # 8368

 - posted      Profile for Meredith   Email Meredith         Edit/Delete Post 
Is this a little better?

Vatar sat with his head close to the other two boys’. They were carefully laying their plans to defeat the watchfulness of the adults.

“Do you think we can get away with it?” Fenar asked. He was the youngest of the boys by a year.

“We will if you don’t lose your nerve,” Torkaz said.

“Vatar?” Fenar turned to his older brother. “If Father finds out . . . .”

“There’s no reason he should ever find out. It’s almost our only chance, Fenar. The herdsmen are already talking about moving back to the plains. If we’re going to explore the river, we have to do it now. Don’t you want to see it? Who knows when we’ll get another chance?”


Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meredith
Member
Member # 8368

 - posted      Profile for Meredith   Email Meredith         Edit/Delete Post 
Or maybe it should start a little closer to the action?

Vatar could not contain his elation as he rode away from the herd with the other two boys. They were going to get away with it! This time they were going to succeed.

Torkaz, riding beside him, returned his grin. He was confident, as always, that his plan would work.

Fenar reflected their joy. He was the youngest of the boys by more than a year. But he would go anywhere they went, especially anywhere his older brother, Vatar, went.

As they got farther from the herd, Torkaz took the lead. He led them in a wide arc that brought them back to the river well beyond the sight of the herdsmen.

Torkaz and Vatar had been scheming all winter to get a closer look at the river, which was something entirely new in their experience.


Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
satate
Member
Member # 8082

 - posted      Profile for satate   Email satate         Edit/Delete Post 
Either opening could work. I kind of like the last one the best. If you use the one where they are scheming take out the second sentence "They were carefully laying their plans to defeat the watchfulness of the adults" Don't tell us that, we should get it from what's happening. These are much better though.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meredith
Member
Member # 8368

 - posted      Profile for Meredith   Email Meredith         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks. I think I'm going with the last one. Once I got started with that one, it just seemed to flow from there.
Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2