posted
Vadar stood with his arm around Thekila, watching the children at play. He was nearly perfectly happy for the first time in a long time. The world was good. He had everything he wanted now, all in one place—Thekila, his children, even his work. Although he would soon run out of supplies for his forge.
Suddenly, a horn sounded from the south. It was an alarm call. Vadar turned toward the sound.
“What is it?” Thekila asked.
“Some trouble with the herds. I’ve got to go.”
Vadar and a dozen others sprinted towards the nearest horses, grabbing up weapons as they ran. They rode south, toward the call of the horn. As they rode, they were joined by other riders from other parts of the village and from other herds.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 15, 2008).]
posted
I know you are trying to drop us into the minute before his world changes but you are doing so by telling us rather than showing us. In a novel you have a bit more time to hook the reader. Use it. Think about the movie Crimson Tide . While the opening credits play you see Denzel Washington, in uniform, walk into his house where there's an ongoing b-day party. He kisses his child on the top of his head and smootches his wife. There's a second or two of proud pappa look and then the phone rings. . . . In that 2-3 minute window they set up his normal life. Now, in writing that's a bit harder since we have to do that all with words and not a camera.
IMHO, Show Vadar (which is going to ping everyone's "Darth Vader" nerve) interacting with his family rather than being static i.e. standing there watching them and musing about his life.
My take:
quote: Vadar stood with his arm around Thekila, watching the children at play. not a great first line, it's static and there's nothing interesting there
He was nearly perfectly "Nearly perfectly"??? Two of the dreaded -lys right next to each other. This is all telling show me. Show me that Vader's on the ground wrestling with his kids or something. Even dialog would be a better start if it's the right dialog happy for the first time in a long time. The world was good. ack! It's a bit sappy He had everything he wanted now, all in one place—Thekila, his children, even his work. still telling Although he would soon run out of supplies for his forge. Suddenly, a horn sounded from the south. It was an alarm call. you can combine these - "the southern alarm horn blared" - "horn sounded" doesn't convey the urgency you want Vadar turned I'll presume this ---> toward the sound unless you tell me he turned away .
“What is it?” Thekila asked. his wife should know what this is. This is dialog for the reader not the characters. Might be better if she grips his arm and says "be careful"
“Some trouble with the herds. I’ve got to go.” reader dialog
Vadar and a dozen others sprinted towards the nearest horses, grabbing up weapons as they ran. They rode south, toward the call of the horn. As they rode, they were joined by other riders from other parts of the village and from other herds this could be trimmed
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 16, 2008).]
I know it's weak. I had a lot more of the normal at first. Then I trimmed it so I could get to the action sooner.
Actually, Thekila really doesn't know what the horn call is. She's not from around here and she's not the children's mother. In her ordered world, such things as raids on the herds just would not happen. She's going to have a lot to adjust to in Vadar's world. But that's from the first book and may need more explanation here. Just not in the first paragraph.
I've had the Darth Vader comment before, too. I'm thinking of changing it. Originally it was Vidar, but that's the name of a norse god of vengeance. Still, maybe that's better than Darth Vader.
quote: She's not from around here and she's not the children's mother. In her ordered world, such things as raids on the herds just would not happen. She's going to have a lot to adjust to in Vadar's world.
See, to me, that's pretty interesting, and could provide some of the tension you need for the opening without rushing us into the action. You could show us a scene where Vadar is happy, but his wife or whatever she is to him is nervous or unsure or something.
Kings_falcon is right. In a book you have more time to set the stage and make us care about the character. What's important isn't necessarily starting the action right away, but characterization and a sense of movement/ tension. This could be emotional tension (i.e. Vadar and his partner) etc.
Vadar closed down his forge for the day, satisfied with the work he had accomplished. It felt good to be able to work with iron and steel again after so long. Stretching, he went to find his family. He stopped to watch the children at play, chasing each other and giggling. Thekila came and put her arm around him, leaning against him and watching with him. Her hands were still dirty from working in the vegetable patch. That was one part of Dardani life that she was having no trouble adjusting to. She loved growing things.
Suddenly, a horn blowing the alarm sounded from the south. All the men in the village leaped into action.
“What is it?” Thekila asked.
“Some trouble with the herds. I’ve got to go.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 16, 2008).]
I see that, too. The original opening was actually the first meeting between the previous wife (the children's mother) and the new wife. But it wasn't very dramatic, because the first wife was asking for a favor and couldn't get really catty.
Maybe I should go back and rethink that one.
Let's see, Avaza could be wearing her tightest tunic, to show off the curves she has that Thekila doesn't. Thekila, being more civilized, could resist a sudden uncharacteristic urge to snatch Avaza's hair out. Vadar, of course, would be clueless.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 16, 2008).]
posted
The second one is much better; I like it. My nits on it:
"Work" is used twice right up front. How about: Vadar closed down his forge, satisfied with the day's accomplishments.
"and watching with him" -- don't need
The horn is blowing and sounding--someone else had a good suggestion for trimming that part. "They rode south, toward the call of the horn." If you leave this in, then leave out the earlier reference to sounding from the south.
Your original opening may well be worth pursuing, especially if the tension between them or the favor is part of the story; it needn't be long, and it could give us characterization of whichever woman is an MC. Your ideas for adding tension between the women work...
quote:Vadar, of course, would be clueless
so long as its from one of their POVs. Would the nature of the favor be a potential source of tension too? Sorry, poking my nose out...
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited December 16, 2008).]
posted
I thought about this while I was walking the dogs. As seductive as a conflict between the first wife and the second is, I just don't think it works at this point.
Avaza (first wife) is exactly the kind of person to do something like this--strut past in a tight tunic. Sort of a not-so-subtle reminder of what you gave up. She likes to be the center of attention and she really likes the feeling that all the men want her.
But, while Avaza can be petty, she's not stupid. Some part of her knows that she's never going to get the reaction she wants from Vadar. He's been innoculated. He's immune, now. Besides, she really can't afford to antagonize him right now. She's got too much to lose.
Now, later on, when Avaza's position changes, it could work well. There's a point in the last third or so where Thekila could really put Avaza in her place. Thinking about it, it's probably something Thekila could do much more effectively than Vadar.
BTW is Vatar better? Same basic sound, but less reminiscent of Darth?
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 16, 2008).]
posted
I get that. It hasn't been bothering me because I know that both vowel sounds are short and that the emphasis, as in all Dardani male names, is on the last syllable. So, it doesn't really sound much like Vader to me. But, I can't expect anyone else to know that.
Vatar then? I want to keep it fairly close, if I can, so as not to confuse myself too much.
posted
"Your ideas for adding tension between the women work...
Would the nature of the favor be a potential source of tension too? Sorry, poking my nose out..."
Not very much. At least, not as I see it right now. All things being subject to change until the actual book is finished. I see their conflict going in a different direction. Only after Avaza shows her true colors, so to speak.
I think I'll let them not like each other very much, but not enough to do anything about it, and then just let it build.
posted
Here's the first 13, now. After taking in some more of the suggestions.
Vatar closed down his forge for the day, satisfied with what he had accomplished. It felt good to be able to work with iron and steel again after so long. Stretching, he went to find his family. He stopped to watch the children at play, chasing each other and giggling. Thekila came and put her arm around him, leaning against him. Her hands were still dirty from working in the vegetable patch. That was one part of Dardani life that she was having no trouble adjusting to. She loved working with growing things.
Suddenly, a horn blew the alarm. All the men in the village leaped into action.
“What is it?” Thekila asked.
“Some trouble with the herds. I’ve got to go.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 18, 2008).]
posted
I like your current 13. There's a stronger sense of the POV character and setting than in your original post.
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posted
Hi, after reading the original post and then the re-worked version, the second one is definitely better. My only small suggestions would be the following:
Instead of saying "stretching, he went to find his family" I would suggest saying "He stretched and went to find his family".
Also, instead of saying "leaped into action", I would suggest finding a more concrete description, like maybe "the men dropped their tools and ran to their horses", or something like that.
Other than those two very minor suggestions, I think its an interesting start to a novel!
posted
Vader is Dutch for father. Vater is German for father. I suspect George Lucas was setting us up for the relationship with Luke when he used Darth .... I can find no reference for Darth, so perhaps he liked the sound or the resemblance to dark (as in "side"). Does anyone know?
As for the 13 lines (I keep thinking of the 13th warrior: is it because 13 is prime and 14 is not?)I would have preferred that the hook began with the sounding alarm. Any interruption to Vadar's contentment could flash through his mind as he prepares for ...whatever is coming:
...maybe just jump right into it...
// A horn sounded the first alarm, echoing its warning against the mountains.
"What is it?" asked Thekila.
Vader turned to his wife. Beyond her the children had stopped playing. ....etc. //
Just a suggestion. The idea looks good, but I think a hook should drag the reader in as soon as possible.
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