posted
Hi All. This is a new concept Fantasy I have. I'm looking for feedback on the first 13 and readers for the prologue. It's only 3,452 words so far. I've just finished the ending, and I'm going to tweak it a bit by Friday, but if I have any takers to for this weekend (or whenever!) I'll make sure you get it.
Ok, so here goes:
quote: In less time than it would take to inhale, Heaven literally became Hell.
The light Shae and others of the Eternal Host took for granted was snuffed out without warning.. The sudden darkness and stunned silence were so all encompassing that Shae thought his senses had been stolen; but then the screaming started and angels began bursting into flames. Instinctively, his wings unfolded, cracking the air as they exploded to their full width. He crouched down, leg muscles tensed, one clawed hand pressed to the ground for balance.
"AT THE DAWN OF TIME YOU CONSPIRED TO IMPRISON ME". The voice, impossibly loud, came from everywhere. The ground shook beneath his taloned feet, rumbling in time with each spoken word.
Like Boys II Men...I'd like to 'Thank you in Advance.'
Version 3.233322113909
quote: In less time than it would take to inhale, Heaven literally became Hell.
The light that Shae and others of the Eternal Host took for granted was snuffed out without warning.. The sudden darkness and stunned silence were so all-encompassing that Shae thought his senses had been stolen; but then the screaming started and angels began bursting into flames. Instinctively, his wings unfolded, cracking the air as they exploded to their full width. He crouched down, leg muscles tensed, one clawed hand pressed to the ground for balance.
"AT THE DAWN OF TIME YOU CONSPIRED TO IMPRISON ME". The voice, impossibly loud, came from everywhere. The ground shook beneath his taloned feet, rumbling in time with each spoken word.
~Christian.
[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 11, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 23, 2009).]
posted
I really enjoyed this piece. I had a problem initially with the word "literally" in your first sentence (usually I hate that word because it is so misused), but then I read on and realized you did literally mean it.
The phrase "so all encompassing" was a little awkward for me. I might consider re-tooling that line.
The only other problem I had was your use of the semicolon.
This line:
quote:his wings unfolded, cracking the air as they exploded to their full width
worked really well for me. Overall I really like the visual I get of your angel.
I'm up for reading the rest, if you think my input would be of any value to you.
posted
Pretty good. "In an instant" felt unnecessary since you already told us it happened in "less time than it would atke to inhale" so that feels clumsy and redundant. Also I'd lose the word "all" so it would read "...and stunned silence were so encompassing that..." I think that flows better.
I also noticed you use a lot of alliteration. Maybe too much. Unless you're going for that kind of poetic feel. I dunno, think about it.
And it would be nice, I think, to have some kind of paragraph break in there.
posted
Thanks Lucy. I appreciate the feedback on the 13 and would definitely appreciate your feedback on the rest. If you don't mind I'll shoot the rest to you the weekend.
Good eyes, Zero, and thanks for the nice words. There is a large amount of alliteration used in this piece. Two reasons, 1) it's kind of my style, and 2) since this takes place in Heaven I did want to use a lot of poetic, flowery words to contrast that something this violent is happening in the one place where it shouldn't I've also added that paragraph break into my original posting.
[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 11, 2009).]
posted
I think a kind of hooky break would be for the first paragraph to only be "In less time than it would take to inhale, Heaven literally became Hell."
As for the alliteration it's fine, just so long as it's intentional. Might even be a nice touch.
Aside from that I stand by my earlier assessment that omitting a couple of words could greatly improve the flow.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited February 12, 2009).]
posted
I enjoyed this very much. Just a couple of notes. I think all encompassing might work better with a dash, i.e. all-encompassing, or the word "all" could possibly be deleted. As far as the "angels began bursting into flames", I don't feel that the word "began" is out of place because my vision of this, as I read it, was of the angels bursting into flames at varying intervals. If all the angels exploded simultaneously, then the word "began" might be misleading, but if they're doing so one-by-one or in some type of chronological order, I personally would have no problem with it. If you're trying to slim everything down as much as possible, though, I do believe it can be deleted with no harm done. Anyways, hope this helps. Keep up the great work,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 15, 2009).]
posted
Thanks Brant. With the 'began' I meant that the angels were lighting up in succession, one after the other (like dominoes) so I'm glad you got it. Initially, I did have 'all-encompassing' as well, but I removed the dash for some reason. But you're not the only one to suggest removing the 'all' so I'll have to revisit that line. Thanks again for the input, much appreciated.
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posted
The light Shae and others of the Eternal Host took for granted was snuffed out without warning..
This line bothered me. The flow didn't seem quite right, and I had to read it twice before it made sense. Maybe if you put the word that in between light and Shae?
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I've also added that paragraph break into my original posting. 
