A concussive blast hurled the young woman backward against the marble wall. Dazed, she staggered back toward the sphere of dark energy that emanated from the small basin on the carved wooden table in the middle of the room. She waved her arms in front of her, as if trying to fight an invasion of mosquitoes.
“Meliandra! What is it?” Garrik shouted, as he ran into the room. He looked around, ran to his wife’s side, and pulled her back from the dark shadow. With firm resolve, he raised his right hand and with a power word, flooded the room with light. The sinister shadow melted.
“I saw it,” she said. “It was terrible.”
“What did you see?”
Meliandra put her hands in front of her eyes. Her fingers quivered.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Rerewrite:

A concussive blast ended the vision and hurled the young woman backward against the marble wall. Dazed, she staggered back toward a dark shadow emanating from the small basin. She waved her arms in front of her, as if lost and trying to find her way through an invasion of mosquitoes.
“What is it Meliandra?” Garrik shouted, as he ran into the room to his wife’s side. He pulled her back from the murky specter. With firm resolve, he uttered a power word and flooded the room with light. The sinister apparition melted.
“I saw it,” she said. “It was terrible.”
“What did you see?”
Her dilated eyes stared at nothing. Meliandra shielded them, fingers quivering.

[This message has been edited by DB (edited March 17, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by DB (edited March 17, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by DB (edited March 18, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by DB (edited March 19, 2009).]

It's all action with lots of tension. I would definitely read on.

A few minor tweaks:

The sentence that begins with Daze seems to be too long and a little clunky. I know you're being descriptive, but it impedes the flow of action.

When Garrik runs into the room, having him look around is wasted action and again distracts from the flow... he should run to his wife, first thing.

In the last line, 'her' is used three times, making it read awkwardly.

I really liked it. You established the relationship, the setting and some possible plot elements.

This is a mix of several descriptions that we really don't need to know about. It could just do with (1) and (2). Otherwise, it really, really reminds me of the Court of King Caractacus:
Now if you want to take some pictures of the fascinating witches who put the scintilating stiches in the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus...

invasion of mosquitoes
is in my mind, small and puny, not terrifying, nor the result of a concussive blast.

“Meliandra! What is it?” Garrik shouted
I don't know why, but for some reason I didn't automatically assume Meliandra is her name. For all I knew, it could be an oath or curseword Garrik is using. If he'd said "What is it Meliandra?" it would have been 100% clear.

ran into the room. He looked around, ran to his wife’s side
'ran...looked...ran' reads somehow like broken action to me.

pulled her back from the dark shadow
it is not obvious you are referring to the 'sphere of dark energy' of sentence 2. This was further reinforced with
The sinister shadow melted which left my first read with the impression that this was an ethereal character that had not been described in the opening paragraph.

I am going to assume the POV is principally that of Garrik, as Meliandra is introduced as "the young woman" initially. Thus,

With firm resolve, he raised his right hand and with a power word
sounds cliched to me. I think it also calls attention to the mechanics of the magic for the wrong reasons. If (a) Garrik is familiar with whatever magic is in use, then it is second nature to him and we don't need to be led through the mechanics of it, just like he doesn't have to think too hard about it. If (b) Garrik is unfamiliar with magic, then we'd expect to see more of his struggle with fear at the situation and his own competence more than the mechanics of the spell.

“What did you see?”
Because we've been allowed to see the blast and things that occur before Garrik enters the room, we assume we've seen what she has as well - which is also the dark shadow Garrik will have seen as he banished it. If instead, Meliandra has seen a vision, or something else in addition to what appears in the text, a hint might be useful earlier on so the reader is not caught offguard, ie:
"A concussive blast ended the vision, hurling the young woman..."

Thank you Owasm about the description interrupting the action. I am all about setting the hook and building narrative tension. Ben mentioned the same problem, so I know it is a problem.

Ben thanks for picking up on Garrik's use of magic. He is somewhat accomplished, but not near as adept as Meliandra. She is a master, and that all relates to what she has seen. I can see I have to hint a little more that she is using a scry basin to look into the past in a far away place. Of course the "rest of the story" is the vision she has seen, and the darkness that tried to use the basin to confront her. It will be a little tricky, but I can already see how I can tighten it up.

quote:

---

sphere of dark energy that emanated

---

was it the sphere or energy that emanated? this phrase seems in conflict with itself and caused me to stop and try to figure out what your we're talking about here.

Also, why did Garrik run into the room, did he hear the "concussive blast", or was it some other noise or sense that brought him running?

For what it's worth,

You might consider rephrasing the first sentence. The vision is more important than the blast so...

'The vision ended with a concussive blast. Meliandra was hurled...'

She's going to be a main character along with Garrick, so I'd be inclined to use her name rather than 'young woman'.

Meliandra is either lost or she's batting away mosquitoes. Using both clutters up the flow.

You've downscaled the dark emanation to a dark shadow, then its a sinister apparition. I'd strengthen the shadow or weaken the apparition... as a reader I get the feeling they don't quite match.

If her eyes are dilated, how can you see that if she's covering up her eyes? Again, saying both clutters it up.

- Owasm