posted
Skepsis is just a temporary title. The word is cool and seems to fit the story although I can't be sure until I get more of the story laid out. I'd appreciate volunteers for reading the chapter. Thanks for any critique in advance.
EDIT: I just replaced the previous paragraph with a rewritten and hopefully improved one.
I don’t think I’ve ever experienced apathy until that day in the hospital. I was too young to have had that feeling. It was like my soul had fallen but it never landed. I was trapped in state of descent. The nurses were trying to get a hold of my grandmother to tell her the news and give me a place to stay. They offered comfort, but their warmth was cold to me. Solitude was my comfort. That and the teddy bear my mother gave me, her last gift. I had it wrenched tightly in my arms. There were toys scattered about, but they failed to amuse me. While all the passion, the curiosity, and the hope I had died, the world went on. Nurses, doctors, and patients alike continue to rush and be rushed along the cold hard floor hallways across the children’s play area where I sat on a wooden chair, motionless
[This message has been edited by Ghostex (edited April 22, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 23, 2009).]
posted
I am always wary when someone says they are creating mystery about the character—it’s generally a bad idea to tease the reader, to hint at what the character knows without the character revealing it. That reaction was before I read your lines. Now… having read it, I suspect her parents just died. I’d want to know that up front or at least pretty soon, since the character knows it.
There are too many references to time and memory. Trim, cut, make it lean to move it along.
Remember “very clearly” and “all the details are crisp in my mind” --> pick one. Or simply let your evocative details tell us how well she remembers it.
Don’t need: “at the time” and “to this day”
“I was ten” … “I was sitting”…”I was wearing” … “I was at” … jumped out at me. Also, the repetition of “failed to amuse me” didn’t work for me.
Her mind wouldn’t bring her to the chair; “My mind was swirling for hours in those moments of agony until it brought me” could be reduced to “After hours of agony, I…” but even then, you already have the time reference to the day before and the chair, so perhaps cut the whole sentence.
I want to feel for this little girl. It is a powerful moment for her, and I like your last line. But the language is getting in the way, pulling me out of her present moment.
I hope this helps! Keep at it.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 21, 2009).]
posted
Thanks MrsBrown you are absolutely right. A lot of the words were excessive. I had recently rewritten this part, and after reading your post, I rewrote it again, hopefully it's better now.
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posted
I like it and it worked for me. I could see this child standing in place while things rushed around and she didn't care. The first sentece bothered me just a little and then I read on and was drawn into the scene. It was when the first sentence said "that day" and it brought me out of the story for a moment as I wondered which day. If you clarified which day it may make it stronger, as in the day my grandmother died, or something like that. Good opening though, I enjoyed it.
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Hatrack process FYI: its helpful if you leave your original post, and add your new version at the bottom, so others can see your progress and which version each response refers to.
I like this now! Just a few little nitpicks:
I *think* ahold is one word.
could cut "and be rushed"
"along the cold hard floor hallways across the children’s play area" seems a bit much; you could pare it a bit.
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