The basis for the novel came from a short I wrote a few years back that stretched to just over 18000 words - the content is more than enough for it to expand to a full blown novel. That's a general problem I have with shorts - they always have more content than the short needs but I like writing shorts!

Here's the first 13:
They were wheeling the body out to the ambulance when John Leminsky arrived. Even after thirty-seven years of honest endeavour the sight of a full bodybag depressed him. Feeling his stomach tighten he diverted his attention to the property; a home that dripped of money and station. The place was imposing in the flood of the lights; he guessed the facade must be over a hundred and fifty years old, but he knew the interior would be all synthetic.
‘Hey Lem, mucky night for it.’ A voice called.
He turned and nodded at the man coming towards him ‘If I’d known you were going to be here I would have washed my hands,’ Leminsky said as they shook.
‘Yeah, well … not so clean in there,’ the man said pushing his thumb towards the house with a grimace.

Cheers

I think you need to reposition your elements. Starting with a lengthy description of the house puts a damper on what should be a tight, emotion-filled situation. I'd save that for a few moments later.

I wasn't sure if Lem was having a confrontation with an unwelcome colleague leading to more tension or just kidding an old friend. If their relationship is going to be conflict, develop that for a few lines and get things rolling.

- Owasm

quote:

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They were wheeling the body out to the ambulance when John Leminsky arrived. Even after thirty-seven years of honest endeavour[comma][[Perhaps a direct clue as to his vocation would better serve to set the scene...'on the force' for example.]] the sight of a full bodybag depressed him. Feeling his stomach tighten he diverted his attention to the property; a home that dripped of money and station. The place was imposing[[imposing to what?]] in the flood of the lights; he guessed the facade must be over a hundred and fifty years old, but he knew[[suspected/assumed]] the interior would be all synthetic.[[This doesn't seem add much to the story. I recognize it as a device to convey a speculative aspect, but most interiors today are synthetic, so it was a weak link IMO]]
‘Hey Lem, mucky night for it.’ A voice called.[[Did he recognize the voice?]]
He turned and nodded at the man[[It is implied that he knows this man. Therefore we should have his name]] coming towards him ‘If I’d known you were going to be here I would have washed my hands,’ Leminsky said as they shook.
‘Yeah, well … not so clean in there,’ the man said[comma] pushing his thumb towards the house with a grimace.

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Detective walking on to a murder scene as an opening is a little bit cliche to me.

The prose seemed a bit flat and there were some misappropriated verbs. Example:

quote:

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Theywho? were wheelingpassive the body out to thewordy ambulance when John Leminsky arrived.

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The medics rolled the guerney across the dew-covered lawn as he arrived. (John/Detective Leminsky) shudderred. Another dead body.

Just an example. This captured the first few lines and offers a little more description.

Bit of a dilemma. I don't want it to be a detective cliche opening but the murder scene is the logical entry. Lem was a detective but he has just become a forensic doctor - more suitable as the story is an event story regarding the use of a new technology.

Trying to think through other opening scenes away from the murder. Will post alternative soon (using more active voice .

Thanks

That said, I have to agree that the detective arriving at the scene of the crime thing has been overdone. I've seen so many variations of it that there would have to be something really shocking to hook me.

Of course, if your character isn't really a detective an idea would be to work his unique type of work in right here.

On the other hand Jim Butcher's Dresden Files read just like detective stories, even down to the first scene of the first book being him sitting in his office, plugging about how he hasn't had enough jobs to pay the rent etc. Typical 60s detective bit. The major difference was that he introduced himself as a wizard, so you knew if he was a detective he wasn't your typical one.

Maybe you could find a way to include Lemonski's unique abilities in right there, maybe with some observation about the scene that only Lem, with his specialty, would be able to identify.