posted
The monks and nuns had carefully positioned his body so that it looked like he was sleeping, which in a way, was exactly what he was doing. His hands were on his chest, but not clasped as if in death, not laying one on the other, but simply placed as though he had fallen asleep with them resting loosely on his torso. They had even positioned his head so it tilted to one side-- to his left, so that those who came to the sanctuary to look upon his body wouldn't be able to look directly on his face. To look straight on at his face, even with him in sleep, would undo the church. The monks and the nuns had covered their eyes with strips of cloth when they had first bathed and dressed him two years ago. Two years, and still people were lined up to see the young man--...
Any feedback would be appreciated. If interested in reading more, message me. =]
posted
Nice story, I'm mildly hooked, but two things bother me. One who is speaking and observing this boy and two (it doesn't really bother me but it could) what's wrong with his face. I can wait a little longer to find out what is wrong with his face but if the next paragraph doesn't explain it I would feel rather frustrated. One other question, how did the monks manage to bath and dress the boy with their eyes covered.
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posted
At the risk of making things a little like spoilers, I'll explain. This first chapter is a narrative from no one in particular at first, but it turns to one of the monks later. I know it isn't clear. And you don't learn much about his face until the next chapter. To be perfectly honest, the idea of the sleeping boy came to me in a dream, and it took me a lot of thinking to figure out for myself what his story is. That may be coming across in the telling.
As to how the monks and nuns bathed and dressed him, how do you think a blind person would do it? By feel.
posted
Ack, you're teasing your readers! Generally not a good idea; we get frustrated quickly with vague hints and unfulfilled promises.
It's difficult to pull off a perspective that isn't inside someone's head. Again, not a good idea unless you have a good reason and know what you're doing. (Personally, I wouldn't try it.)
EDIT: These reactions are based on what you said about where you're going, not about the 13 lines above. I do like your 13 lines!
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 23, 2009).]
posted
I loved this. The beginning was intriguing, but in no way frustrating. It was well written, and I am prepared to wait for any answers to the questions it raises.
I think you accomplished a lot within the 13 line limit.
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