“I’m not sure I can do this. I won’t stand a chance out there if we get into trouble.” The young 10 year old trembled at the thought of venturing the war-torn world, outside the safety zone that was Dreadshire, capital of the Kurozian empire. The Guardian’s Pilgrimage, a tradition held by all the empires of the world, engaged a select few to journey the world and return 10 years from the time they left their country. Only the strongest of those who returned are known as the true Guardians of the empire. With the world being torn apart by war and strife, it was the true test of strength and survivability.

I just wanted to say that I like "Legends of Lumina" much, much more than the other one, but a Lumina is also a model of car, so that kind of distracted me.

I thought that there was a lot of information. All the facts are a hard to follow, so maybe it would be better if you saved some of them for a little later? I think if I understood it better or knew the character more I'd be more likely to want to keep going, but what I'm getting from the idea behind it sounds interesting. Good luck!

Paint the character and give us a setting and a scene. Who is this kid? Perhaps show when he is chosen for the pilgimage. For example, he is dragged into a corner by some scary guy who tells him he's got a special job to do.... or his absolute hero knocks on his door... or a letter arrives in the mail while his best friend is visiting... or he has a vision from God... or ?

The details about the world and the quest will follow, hopefully not all at once.

“Our guardian has been killed. It is time to elect new Guardian to lead our forces.” A dark figure rested on a lavishly dark red throne. 8 other figures stood in a circle, also draped in dark clothing. In the middle of the large room was a purple circle with several incantations scribed on it.

“Emperor Arkus is right. Our people need a leader in the frontlines of combat. Do we have any candidates in mind?” One of the other veiled figures asked.

“There’s Gurados here in Dreadshire. He’s proven to be very skillful with the blade.”

quote:

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“Our guardian has been killed. It is time to elect new Guardian to lead our forces.” (1)A dark figure rested on a lavishly (2)dark red throne. (3)8 other figures stood in a circle, also (4)draped in dark clothing. In the middle of the large room was a purple circle with several incantations (5)scribed on it.

“Emperor Arkus is right. Our people need a leader in the (6)frontlines of combat. Do (7)we have any candidates in mind?” (8)One of the other veiled figures asked.

“There’s Gurados here in Dreadshire. He’s proven to be very skillful with the blade.”(9)

“Ah, a good one(10), Malef. I(11) recommend Zyra, who (12)hails from the (13)frontline city of Zenzar. (14)I hear she’s already mastered many (15)our dark arts at (16)such a tender age. That is something we shouldn’t

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1) You've not connected this figure to the speech. Did this figure say it? It's confusing - it looks like action (speech) and then scenery (a dark figure resting)

2) How can something be lavishly dark?

3) Use the word Eight rather than 8.

4) By saying also draped, I assume you're referring to the dark figure in sentence 3, but maybe you're talking about the throne. Perhaps the dark figure in sentence 3 needs to be described more, brought to life, so that the 'also' makes more sense.

5) Do you mean inscribed?

6) The use of frontlines is awkward. I would expect someone referring to the foremost position in combat to simply say "a leader on the frontline", or even "on the front". Everyone present, and given the context, even the reader, will understand the connotation.

7) This is worded without authority or assertiveness, to my eye. It seems incongruous that someone in a supreme dark council would ask in such a vague way. It also seems strange it's not the central character directing the discussion.

8) I felt that an indication of who is speaking should be made earlier, as it wasn't clear if it was one of the crowd, or the central figure, doing the speaking. Further, make this speaker unique. Give them a gruff voice, some mannerism to connect to them as a real person.

9) Who is speaking?

10) "good one" - I almost think means he's noting a joke.

11) Who is "I"?

12) Is "who hails" really necessary?

13) Everyone present, apart from the reader, will know it's a frontline city. Is it necessary that the reader know it's a frontline city? As it reads, it seems artificial; exposition for the reader's sake.

14) Once again this sounds very un-authoritative.

15) of

16) Using a term such as "such a" seems to reference a specific age, but none has been given. I'd expect either more specificity or less: "At only four years old, she’s already mastered more artifice than many an acolyte" or "Though younger than most candidates she is well advanced in her training."

“Our guardian has been killed. It is time to choose the nominees who will be our new Guardian.” A man clad in black armor said as he rested on a lavishly decorated throne. Eight other figures stood in a circle, draped in dark clothing. In the middle of the large room was a purple circle with several incantations inscribed on it. “We need a new leader on the frontlines. Are there any candidates in mind?”

“There’s Gurados here in Dreadshire. He’s proven to be very skillful with the blade.”One of the veiled men spoke with a deep and raspy voice.

“Another good candidate is Zyra of Zenzar. She’s only 8 years old, but has already mastered more spells than most adults three times her age. That is something we shouldn’t overlook in

Who is telling this story? Wouldn't your narrator know the men in the room? It feels like you are withholding information that your narrator should know (like introducing a character with his name as well as his appearance).

Your dialogue needs some work too. For example: "Hello," said Sam. Not "Hello." Sam said.

I hope this example suggestion is not taking undue liberties with your work:

Emperor Arkus’ black armor creaked as he leaned forward in his lavishly decorated throne. “Our guardian has been killed. It is time to choose the nominees who will be our new Guardian.” He glanced at the eight veiled figures, draped in dark cloaks, who stood around a purple circle inscribed with several incantations. “We need a new leader on the frontlines. Are there any candidates in mind?”

“There’s Gurados here in Dreadshire. He’s proven to be very skillful with the blade,” said [John OR one of the veiled men] in a deep, raspy voice.

“Another good candidate is Zyra of Zenzar." [The second cloaked individual OR Bill] had the soft voice of a sage. "She’s only 8 years old, but has already mastered more spells than most adults three times her age. That is something we shouldn’t overlook in these dreadful times.”

Even in a prologue, it can be told from one point-of-view (POV). It doesn't have to get deep into his head, and he might not appear again for a long while.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 29, 2009).]

That way we can be scared along with Asher as he starts out.

“Asher…” Called a soothing, feminine voice.

A mess of black hair was seen sticking out from under the black sheets. The boy’s small frame curled tighter in his covers, miniscule compared to the humongous, king-sized bed. Wooden frames held up a grey veil around the child. “Just five more minutes…” Asher’s voice was groggy and shaky.

“Time to wake up Asher…” The unknown woman pulled the covers off the boy, who only had red shorts on.

I like that you are starting with Asher, but it’s a slow start, waking up in bed. Can you put him in a more interesting situation? Some hint of tension, some small problem (realizing she’s a stranger with her arm around his waist might do it!)

Nitpicks:
“Asher…” called a soothing, feminine voice.

A mess of black hair [was seen sticking -> who is seeing this?] stuck out from under the black sheets. The boy’s small frame curled tighter in his covers, [miniscule -> really? How about: lost in the… compared to the] [humongous -> overdone; cut this word], king-sized bed. Wooden frames held up a grey veil around the child.

“Just five more minutes.[.. don’t use again]” Asher’s voice was groggy and shaky.

“Time to wake up Asher.[..]” The [unknown -> by whom? Asher or the narrator?] woman pulled the covers off the boy, who only had red shorts on.

“Arg.[..]” Asher [, who was still trying to get some more sleep -> cut] turned to face the open window. The small lamp by the window illuminated his features, [the] flames reflecting off his bronze skin. [His comfort quickly shifted to discomfort when -> cut] He felt something warm pressing against his back and wrapped around his waist. [Why is this uncomfortable? An elbow digging into his back, unexpected intimacy, what?]

A mess of black hair stuck out from under the black sheets. The boy’s small frame curled tighter in his covers, lost in the grand, king-sized bed. Wooden frames held up a grey veil around the child. “Just five more minutes.” Asher’s voice was groggy and shaky. Thinking it was one of the many maids in the castle, he did not bother trying to identify the woman.

“Time to wake up Asher.” The pesky woman pulled the covers off the boy, who wore a pair of shorts that matched his sheets

“Ugh, go away.” Asher turned around to the open window, grumbling with annoyance. The small lamp by the window illuminated his features, flames reflecting off his bronze skin. He felt the woman crawl under the sheets and pulled him

You need to pick a more limited POV here, however. You may switch POV later on, but in this opening scene, we need to view the world either from Asher's eyes or from his mother's. Getting both makes the events too remote, too unengaged.