posted
These are the first 13 lines from a romantic thriller novel I am writing. Any comments or critque are appreciated. - Tom
May 18, 2008 ... Just north of Pierre, South Dakota
After the little two-seat Piper Super Cub entered the cloud bank the turbulence started immediately. It was a constant rocking and rolling motion interrupted several times each minute by a sharp, staccato-like, up and down. “Son of a bitch,” Jack Hanson said to himself. “I knew I shouldn’t be going on this trip.” The ominous weather the forecaster had painted for him in his pre-flight briefing was only part of the problem. He was having second thoughts about making a trip to meet with a woman he had no contact with other than their chats over the internet and a few phone calls.
The "After ... immediately." construction of the first sentence didn't work for me. I wonder if it'd benefit from dropping either (Immediately upon entering the cloud back the little two-seat Piper Super Cub hit turbulence / After the little two-seat Piper Super Cub entered the cloud bank the turbulence started.)
Wary of it being used as a crutch, I'm not usually a fan of characters talking to themselves. Hanson's soliloquy suggests to me that this may make a frequent appearance in what follows rather than emotive narrative.
Should we be told immediately whether Jack Hanson is the pilot? A passenger in a small aircraft might accompany a pilot during preflight at some airfields.
posted
Since this is a novel, you've got a little extra space to play with and might want to consider moving your starting point back in time. E.g. getting to the airport and checking the weather reports as he files his flight plan or finishing his pre-flight check-off and chatting with air traffic control, etc. etc. That way you can set up peril (bad weather) and motivation (going to meet a woman) and let us anticipate a bit of danger instead of throwing us straight in. Just a thought.
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posted
Hey, thanks for the help! I've made a few changes. Tom May 18, 2008 ... Just north of Pierre, South Dakota
The little two-seat Piper Super Cub entered the cloud bank and the turbulence started immediately. A constant rocking and rolling motion interrupted several times each minute by a sharp, staccato-like, up and down. “Son of a bitch,” Jack Hanson said to himself. “I knew I shouldn’t be going on this trip.” The ominous weather the forecaster had painted for him in his pre-flight briefing was only part of the problem. He was having second thoughts about making a trip to meet with a woman he had no contact with other than their chats over the internet and a few phone calls. The bumping and thumping from the turbulence continued to get worse, the sharp jabs coming seconds apart now. Jack thought about requesting a heading change from Air Traffic Control
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