posted
This is a secondary world dark fantasy. I have just finished the first chapter. Would you read on?
First 13:
Barc raised a numbed hand to the rusty iron ring on the door. Small splinters had sprouted from the worn down surface just below the ring. They stung his hand, puncturing his skin. A tingling sensation ran from his fingertips to the back of his palm as he knocked. One. Two. Three times. He waited. His hand still clasping the metal ring, giving almost all his weight to the door, he counted up to ten. Then he knocked the door again. One. And two. They would probably open it this time. It had been...he didn't know how long it had been. It had been enough. His eyes wandered to the sleeves of his clothing. The coat had been red once, he could remember. Now there were only pinkish smears on its worn out, mud-splattered, and tattered fabric.
[This message has been edited by Icared (edited August 01, 2009).]
posted
I wouldn't read on. I don't have a sense of setting, character, or purpose for the action. Somewhere, some guy (perhaps a traveler) knocks on a door, suffers from splinters, then considers his clothing without emotion. He doesn't seem to care much about the situation, and neither do I.
This might interest me on another page of your novel, if I'd followed this character through a long journey to a place full of memory and potential. But he's numb from the mishaps of his journey and notices only the details of what he touches. Time seems slow and unimportant. Yeah, if I already cared about the character and understood his current state, then this moment might matter.
posted
My response keeps bothering me. I think it's this: Your opening does provide a sense of character.
A good hook raises questions, answered throughout the story. My only question is, Why is he like this? To answer, you'd have to go into backstory. I'm not concerned what will happen when the door opens. He could be there for any reason; there's no hint of a purpose. Is he visiting old enemies? Friends? Family? A former instructor? Does he know the place but not the people?
"It had been enough." Enough to make him yearn to return? Then we can ask why he left. Enough to dampen the occupants' fury? Then we can ask why he left and if the occupants will accept him back, try to exact revenge for the past, etc. Specifics might help.
posted
I agree with aspirit. I think your intro could be more engaging. I like the attention to detail, but it's hard to want to follow it.
Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
Hmm. I had thought introducing the character, the setting and plot on the first 13 may be too dense for a novel. That was sort of why I had focused just on character. What you said about how the MC feels is exactly what I tried to convey aspirit. So I guess that is a good thing. I sort of answer why he is there in the following 5 lines. Maybe that is still too many.
I guess as far as setting and purpose is concerned, if I do need more of those I will have to change how this character starts the story(maybe start from earlier, answering how he got to the door.) or start with another POV.
[This message has been edited by Icared (edited August 02, 2009).]
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