posted
This is one I've had rolling around in my head for a while and it's started to reach out and try to grab my attention. So I thought I'd spend a little time on it and see what develops. It's probably actually a paranormal romance. We'll see. It's got a very strong female protagonist, at least. Who knows, the market might be better for this story.
I'm posting the first thirteen for feedback on the opening. I literally have less than ten pages, so I'm not looking for readers, yet.
Valeriah pushed through the thick shrubbery in the back corner of the suburban park, ignoring the warning signs about rattlesnakes. Her eyes were fixed on the faint shimmer between two trees. She stepped between those trees and through the portal, barely registering the tingling sensation on her skin as she passed through the barrier between the worlds. This portal ended in Chimeria, in a forest clearing just a hard day’s ride from the tower where she had been raised--and her grandfather.
She waved at the Guardians who prepared to stop her giving the signal that told them she was Chimerian and should be allowed to pass and the flourish that said she was also a Guardian. It was a little like hailing a cab on the other side. The Guardians were there primarily to stop unsuspecting humans
Revised Version
Valeriah pushed through the thick shrubbery in the back corner of the suburban park, ignoring the signs warning about rattlesnakes. Her eyes were fixed on the slight shimmer between two ancient oak trees. She stepped between those trees and through the portal, barely registering the tingling sensation on her skin as she passed through the barrier between the worlds. One more step carried her into Chimeria, in a forest clearing just a hard day’s ride from her grandfather’s tower.
Two Guardians stepped forward out of the trees to stop her. Dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, she knew she looked like she didn’t belonged here. She saw the eyes of the older man widen slightly as he noticed the silver cloak pin in the shape of a dragon biting its own tail fastened to her T-shirt, the emblem of the Guardians.
Second Revision: (Just to break up the problem sentence.)
Valeriah pushed through the thick shrubbery in the back corner of the suburban park, ignoring the signs warning about rattlesnakes. Her eyes were fixed on the slight shimmer between two ancient oak trees. She stepped between those trees and through the portal, barely registering the tingling sensation on her skin as she passed through the barrier between the worlds. One more step carried her into Chimeria, in a forest clearing just a hard day’s ride from her grandfather’s tower.
Two Guardians stepped forward out of the trees to stop her. Dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, she knew she looked like she didn’t belong here. She saw the eyes of the older man widen slightly as he noticed the silver cloak pin fastened to her T-shirt. The dragon biting its own tail was the emblem of the Guardians.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited August 20, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited August 20, 2009).]
I think this is a good begining. Everything is very clear. My only complaint is that I would like some sense of how Valeriah feels about returning home. Is she reluctant or happy, some sense of which world she prefers.
posted
My only complaint is the pace, which seems to be slowed by a lot of unnecessary filler - Info that doesnt move the story along.
My take, with the areas I feel can be removed to better the opening in brackets.
Valeriah pushed through the thick shrubbery in the back corner of the suburban park, (ignoring the warning signs about rattlesnakes). Her eyes were fixed on the faint shimmer between two trees. She stepped between those trees and through the portal, (barely registering the tingling sensation on her skin) as she passed through the barrier between the worlds. This portal ended in Chimeria, in a forest clearing just a hard day’s ride from the tower where she had been raised--(and her grandfather) .
She waved at the Guardians who prepared to stop her giving the signal that told them she was Chimerian and should be allowed to pass and the flourish that said she was also a Guardian.(not a deletion - just a note that this last sentence is VERY long and a bit clumsy) It was a little like hailing a cab on the other side. (note - this last sentence is disconnected, I don't see how its like hailing a cab; if anything, it would seem to be like flashing a cop badge at a crime scene) The Guardians were there primarily to stop unsuspecting humans <--not sure how this last sentence ends, so it may be relevant, but if there isn'tmore, I would suggest losing it too. I think the reader will be able to understand the purpose of the guards by the actions previously took (eg -they were going to stop her).
I think if you cut down and move the story along a bit quicker it will hook me; I am somewhat interested in finding out what Valeriah is up to and what makes this visit different from what would seem to be many she has made before. But as is, I feel like there is a bit too much world building going on to hook me into the story. I'm not committed enough to the story to go through that stuff yet.
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited August 14, 2009).]
I completely agree about that first sentence in the second paragraph. Ugh! I may take that out altogether and have her rely on another form of identification. Originally, I was going to have her just run through, which led to the wave. Now I think there's a short exchange with the Guardians before she rides off, which gives a feel for her reputation among her colleagues.
As for what makes this trip different, and why she's not paying attention to some things, does it help if you know that the title of the chapter is "A Death in the Family"?
The phrase "and her grandfather" is just floating. Its set apart as if he is significant, but then no reason is given. Knowing the title tells me maybe he's already dead, but maybe she's just eager to see him, or dreading it.
I read it as a person doing something that is ordinary and routine--for her--which I found very appealing. The waving made it sound lighthearted.
Overall I liked it, it felt fresh. (No line editing today.)
posted
I liked it. Intriguing start. One thing that kind of jumped out at me, though, was this line: ..."the silver cloak pin in the shape of a dragon biting its own tell fastened to her T-shirt." I think you could just say "silver cloak pin fastened to her T-shirt" End it there and then describe it's design in the next sentence. It just ran on a bit long for me. I like how in a very short space you opened up all kinds of possibilities for the reader. Nice. Keep it up.
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quote:No, the title doesn't help. The phrase "and her grandfather" is just floating. Its set apart as if he is significant, but then no reason is given. Knowing the title tells me maybe he's already dead, but maybe she's just eager to see him, or dreading it.
Okay. It shouldn't rely on the title, anyway. How often do you skip reading the title of a chapter--even if it has one?
This is a novel (hopefully), though. And the reason for her coming back at this moment and being in a bit of a rush is given seven lines later (I counted).
quote:One thing that kind of jumped out at me, though, was this line: ..."the silver cloak pin in the shape of a dragon biting its own tell fastened to her T-shirt." I think you could just say "silver cloak pin fastened to her T-shirt" End it there and then describe it's design in the next sentence. It just ran on a bit long for me.
I agree. I'll go back and break that sentence up or reorganize it. The shape of the pin isn't really all that important here, except that it foreshadows another element of the story that will come up later. There's a reason it's shaped like a dragon that even Valeriah ins't aware of.
I've been having a lot of fun with this story. Almost 14,000 words so far. And that's in just about a week.
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