posted
The boy was a pacing shadow in the candle lit room. He ran both his hands through his blonde hair. "Follow along with me, one last time. This is the most crucial part. It must be exact!" The boy’s voice was unsteady beneath his demands. His hands shook as he placed the piece of paper on the desk in the dimly lit room. "Once again, from here." he said pointing to the middle of the page. The stocky man sitting at the desk cleared his throat to read. His deep voice reverberated off the walls of the small study."Rules: 1.Guests are allowed to visit three islands of their choice, whereupon at any time they can choose to stay or leave.2.If a guest chooses to see more than three islands, they must sign a creator contract. Agreeing to create an island...
Revised Version: Propelled by ferocious winds imprisoned within the canvas sails, the ship sliced through the angry sea. Below deck, the boy was a shadow pacing in a candle lit room. He ran his trembling hands through his blonde hair. "Follow along with me, one last time. This is the most crucial part. It must be exact!" Beneath his demands, the boy’s voice was unsteady. His hands shook as he placed the piece of paper on the desk. "Once again, from here." he said pointing to the middle of the page. A stocky man sat at the lone desk, clearing his throat he began to read. His deep voice reverberated off the walls of the small study. "Rules", he began. 1.Guests are allowed to visit three islands of their choice, whereupon at any time they can choose to stay or leave.2.If a guest chooses to see more than three islands, they must sign a creator contract. Agreeing to create
[This message has been edited by tiffknight (edited August 22, 2009).]
posted
Whose point-of-view are we in? If it's omni, then shouldn't we know the characters' names? And if it's a third, unmentioned character, I'd like to know who they are from the get-go, so I can start getting emotionally attached.
Posts: 715 | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
The boy was a pacing shadow in the candle lit room. [I would reverse pacing and shadow] He ran both his hands through his blonde hair. [nervously? anxiously? vainly?] "Follow along with me, one last time. This is the most crucial part. It must be exact!" The boy’s voice was unsteady beneath his demands. [Maybe reverse the two phrases? Beneath his demands, the boy's voice was unsteady?] His hands shook as he placed the piece of paper on the desk in the dimly lit room. "Once again, from here." he said pointing to the middle of the page. The stocky man sitting at the desk cleared his throat to read. His deep voice reverberated off the walls of the small study. [Okay, I am disturbed. This guys is described as a sturdy, older man with a great voice. But he is relegated to playing a stupid servant to a nervous boy.] [I think I would start a new paragraph here:] "Rules: 1.Guests are allowed to visit three islands of their choice, whereupon at any time they can choose to stay or leave. 2.If a guest chooses to see more than three islands, they must sign a creator contract. Agreeing to create an island...
Posts: 168 | Registered: Apr 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thanks Kitti and SavantIdiot for the feedback. The current POV is an Objective POV in which the authot only mentions what can be inferred from the stories action and dialogue. Used this to keep more mystery (hope it worked). Will definately reverse the order in the spots mentioned, sounds better (thanks). There is a reason the old man is the stupid servant to the nervous boy it will be explained. I am actually really happy that you saw it, was hoping it would raise questions.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged |
While there's not enough here for me to know what this is about yet, it does sound interesting. The stuff with the rules about the islands sound like it will be a fun read, and the mysterious atmosphere is cool. I'm a high school English teacher and if I was picking a book based only on the first paragraph or two (which I would never do), I would pick this for my kids.
One nit I have, something that tripped me up.
quote:Below deck, the boy was a shadow pacing in a candle lit room. He ran his trembling hands through his blonde hair. "Follow along with me, one last time. This is the most crucial part. It must be exact!"
At first I wasn't sure who was speaking the dialogue. I didn't know if it was the boy or someone saying that too the boy. I think a dialogue tag would make this clearer.
I also didn't like "the boy was a shadow." Maybe my mind is just too literal, but my first thought was, "Was he a shadow, or was he a boy?" That one is just my personal preference, bu there is for what it's worth.
[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited August 22, 2009).]
posted
I like this. I would change "the boy was a shadow" to "the boy was like a shodow."
I prefer the last part of the rule from the first version. That is, at the end mention, you have to create an island.
I'm not sure why you placed 1 and 2 inside of dialog. If he is speaking it, then write one and two.
This opening has a lot going for it. I was immediately drawn in and wondering. By the end of it, I wanted to know more about this place and the creation of islands. They must be pretty powerful to create such things. Or perhaps they have great technology. Or perhaps the islands they are visiting are digital, etc.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
