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Author Topic: Troubled Counsels
Meredith
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For some reason, the third book of my series started swimming around in my head this afternoon. It's tentatively titled TROUBLED COUNSELS (sequel to THE SHAMAN'S CURSE and THE IGNORED PROPHECY).

Here's the first 13:

quote:

Vatar left the forge and his half-finished knife when he heard the dogs barking. He knew who was at the gate before he started across the courtyard. He’d been expecting his father for two days.

“Father!” he said, striding forward to return Veleus’ welcoming hug. “I expected you before now.”

“There’s trouble in the city, Vatar. The High Council has been kept busy.”

“I know. I’ve heard most of it. Elaria and Lanark were full of the news as soon as we got back.”

“I broke away for a little while today. To welcome you home. And to ask you if you’ve made your decision.”

Vatar was silent. He turned and led Veleus back towards


Second Version:

quote:

Vatar worked silently in his forge. He was not immersed in his work as he usually was. Too many thoughts kept churning around in his head for him to hear the song of the steel beneath his hammer. This was going to be a mediocre knife, well below his usual standards, if he didn’t get his mind into what he was doing instead of rethinking all of the reasons for his refusal to take up the seat he was entitled to on the High Council.

He’d thought it out and knew his decision was the right one. Thekila and Taleus both agreed with him. But with the unrest in the city right now, Vatar couldn’t help but feel he was somehow shirking his duty to help. But then, he knew he couldn’t accomplish anything on the High Council, anyway. Not with the history of his prior interactions with that body.


Third Version:

quote:
Vatar worked silently in his forge, not singing as he usually did. Too many thoughts kept churning around in his head for him to hear the song of the steel beneath his hammer. This was going to be a mediocre knife, well below his usual standards. He needed to get his mind into what he was doing, not keep rethinking his decision not to take up a seat on the High Council.

He knew his decision was the right one for many reasons. He couldn’t accomplish anything on the High Council, anyway. Not after he’d forced the Council to back down two winters ago. Too many of them resented him and most of the rest were afraid of him. But with the generally unsettled situation up and down the coast and the unrest in the city right now, Vatar couldn’t


Fourth Version:

quote:
Vatar worked silently in his forge, not singing as he usually did. Too many thoughts kept churning around in his head for him to hear the song of the steel beneath his hammer. This was going to be a mediocre knife, far below his usual standards. He needed to get his mind on what he was doing, not keep rethinking his decision to refuse a seat on the High Council.

He knew his decision was the right one for many reasons. He couldn’t accomplish anything on the High Council. Not after he’d forced the Council to back down two winters ago. Too many of them resented him and most of the rest were afraid of him. But with the unsettled situation up and down the coast and the unrest in the city right now, Vatar couldn’t help but feel he was somehow shirking his duty. He should be doing something.


[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 16, 2010).]


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JSchuler
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My first thought is, would a smith leave his forge in the middle of a project just because a dog was barking? It also strikes me that the forge, amidst the fire, heat, smoke, and noise, would be a far more interesting place for a conversation than a courtyard.

The dialog isn't doing anything for me. It's too wordy for the information provided for my taste. As for the information itself, there's not much there: there's "trouble" and there's a decision that must be made. When I pick up a book, those are two things I have already assumed.


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Meredith
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Hmm. I may have been a little spare in setting the scene on this one. It's one of the dangers of sequels--you know the scene so well, you forget some readers won't.

Vatar's the only one working in the forge, so it's not noisy when he's not working. He's a bladesmith and it really only takes one man to make a knife. Swords, now, for swords he needs to take on some help. But knives he does by himself.

And he's probably on the alert because there is unrest in the city. He might actually reach for a weapon before going to the gate and recognizing his father.

Hmm. I think maybe the answer is to start just a bit earlier, with Vatar working and thinking. He knows his father is going to come and ask for his decision soon. He knows what his decision is. And he knows Dad's not going to like it. But he's got a counter offer. Vatar can't dicker worth a d**n in the marketplace, but when it comes to politics, that's another story.

As I look at it right now, the rest of the dialog may be just a little info dumpy.

I'll post another opening later.


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JSchuler
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Ah, but that's the thing: when the story starts, he IS working. That's why I think the conversation could be more interesting in his forge, as he could punctuate his thoughts through actions.

And you don't need to do an info dump. Just get us into his head: why is he making the knife? What does he fear when the dogs bark? Does he see anything in the glow of the steel? You probably don't have to start earlier, but just dwell on that first scene longer.


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Nagrom
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I see a couple of opportunities to give us a little more information without changing the flow that much.

The first paragraph could elaborate on why Vatar has been expecting his father, and his father's response (3rd paragraph) could tell us something about the trouble in the city.

Given that you keep the idea of a gate and a courtyard, if you didn't have Vatar go greet his father, I'd think he's either in the middle of some critical operation or he's snubbing him. So if you decide to take JSchuler's advice to have the conversation occur at the forge for the atmosphere, you might want to have Vatar deep in concentration, looking up when his father clear his throat (or something like that).


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Meredith
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Vatar will definitely go to greet his father. I'm not changing the pattern of the previous two books. The bench under the apple tree in the courtyard is already established as a meeting spot in good weather. And the iron gate Vatar made to replace the broken wooden one in Book Two. That's the other thing about a sequel, some things are already given.

But I will get more into his head before Dad arrives. The reader is going to spend most of the book there. Might as well get settled in.


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Meredith
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Second version. I don't know. This one may be too internal. A balance of the two?
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Edward Douglas
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Any story about a blacksmith sounds good to me, especially if we end up with a ticked off one. However...

quote:
This was going to be a mediocre knife, well below his usual standards, if he didn’t get his mind into what he was doing instead of rethinking all of the reasons for his refusal to take up the seat he was entitled to on the High Council.

Sentence runs on, needs to be reworked into two or three separate ones, I think. Might even want to incorporate it into the first two lines to avoid the redundancy of telling us he is working and that his mind is on something other than his work.

quote:
He’d thought it out and knew his decision was the right one.

If he made his choice some time in the past then maybe this sentence should read "...his decision had been the right one."


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JSchuler
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Have to agree with Edward on the run-on sentence. Also, I don't think it's possible to work silently in a forge. Well, maybe if you're sweeping the floors

I do like the first paragraph. The second seems weak, getting back into a mush of generalities that don't tell us much of anything. His decision was the right one because two people agreed with it? Is that really how Vatar measures the validity of his opinions? Now, it might be that the real reason he's not there is that he doesn't think he can be effective there, as you say later. In that case, I'd move the sentences around so that the causal relationship is clearer. Take the last two sentences and move them right behind "Thekila and Taleus both agreed with him." Then, the unrest and Vatar's doubts bring up the rear.

Can we get something more specific than "the history of his prior interactions with that body?" Since this is the third book in a series, is there a need to be mysterious or reticent about telling the reader about them? Or, if you don't want to do that, give us a taste of how they don't like him (e.g. pelted him with rotten fruit the last time he tried to talk to them, called him a big do-do head in front of the other heroes, put shaving cream in his hand while he slept and tickled his nose with a feather, etc) or how he does not respect them (assuming he doesn't).

Otherwise, I don't think the more internal focus is a bad thing. If you're comfortable with it, I'd keep it.


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Meredith
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quote:
Can we get something more specific than "the history of his prior interactions with that body?" Since this is the third book in a series, is there a need to be mysterious or reticent about telling the reader about them? Or, if you don't want to do that, give us a taste of how they don't like him (e.g. pelted him with rotten fruit the last time he tried to talk to them, called him a big do-do head in front of the other heroes, put shaving cream in his hand while he slept and tickled his nose with a feather, etc) or how he does not respect them (assuming he doesn't).

No, he doesn't like or respect most of them--his father and sister excepted. And after the last two times he was in the Palace of the Fasallon, the others are probably scared witless (or something that rhymes) of him. They made him mad (which is not generally a good idea). And he made them back down (which is not something they're used to doing). They're not exactly likely to welcome him into their ranks and he knows it.

You're right, specifics are better. I'll try to think of something I can put in a sentence or two without retelling the whole story. Maybe that's enough--just that he'd made them back down and knew they resented it?

And yes, at some points in the story, the reader will definitely see a ticked off blacksmith with a whole lot of power at his disposal (not all of which comes from his muscles).


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Meredith
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Third version above.
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JSchuler
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Much better. I only have some nitpicky points:

not keep rethinking his decision not to

Too many "not"s in close proximity, reads like a double negative.

He couldn’t accomplish anything on the High Council, anyway

"Anyway" is unnecessary.

But with the generally unsettled situation up and down the coast

"Generally" is such a hedge word. This is your story, you don't have to hedge anything! Stand by the statement: the situation up and down the coast is unsettled! Even if in your story there are pockets of stability or spheres of normalcy, you don't need "generally." In my experience, "generally" is only effectively used when you want to call attention to the exceptions, such as "Generally it is X, but here it is Y."


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Meredith
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Nits noted and corrected.
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Edward Douglas
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Newest version reads very nicely. Good job!
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