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Dear [agent name]:

Valeriah is a half-werewolf who constantly battles her nature. She is a vegetarian at the new moon. And she tries to run herself to exhaustion at the full moon rather that give in to the call of her blood. Her physical training combined with her werewolf strength and instincts make her a formidable bodyguard for the elite of Chimeria.

Even so, she is disinherited because of her werewolf blood. Despite her anger, Valeriah can’t abandon her cousin, Crystal, when someone tries to kill her over the legacy. The women accept help from a mysterious young man named Rolf, who turns out to be a dragon in disguise.

Valeriah decides that it will be easier to protect Crystal if they abandon the magical world of Chimeria for the time being and come through the portals to this world. But the distant cousin who has tried to kill Crystal follows them. And on this side, he finds a serial killer who uses germ warfare on his victims willing to do the job for him in exchange for some enhanced viruses.

While protecting Crystal, Valeriah is nearly killed by the rabies virus, which is particularly dangerous for werewolves. As she recovers, Valeriah and Rolf decide that their love for each other is more important than the difficulty of a relationship between a dragon and a werewolf.

But they still have to catch both the serial killer and the man behind it all. And when a werewolf and a dragon go on the hunt together, their quarry better start to worry.

BLOOD WILL TELL is an urban fantasy novel with elements of paranormal romance at 88,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

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Second Attempt: I really liked your re-write, BenM. This version is about 150 words too long. But see what you think.

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Dear [agent name]:

Being a hybrid in Chimeria, where all the magical races are able to take human form, is rarely easy. Being a half-werewolf, unable to take wolf form, but still driven by the full moon, is one of the hardest. Add to that, that your father was also a hybrid, making you half-werewolf and one-quarter unicorn--about as far apart as two races in Chimeria can be--and life is just complicated. Vegetarian at the new moon, when her unicorn blood prevails, and manic carnivore at the full moon, Valeriah has a constant juggling act trying to balance or battle her own nature. She’s certainly not looking for the challenge of a man in her life, too. Besides, which race would she choose from?

Her werewolf strength and instincts make her a formidable bodyguard for the elite of Chimeria. But it’s obvious what they really think of her when they prevent her from inheriting her share of her grandfather’s estate because of her werewolf blood. Despite her anger, Valeriah still can’t abandon her cousin, Crystal, when someone tries to kill her. It looks like their grandfather’s estate may be a mixed blessing. Someone else wants it badly enough to kill for it.

The women accept help from a mysterious and attractive young man named Rolf, who turns out to be a dragon in disguise. After the third attempt to kill Crystal, Valeriah decides that she will be safer if they abandon the magical world of Chimeria for the time being and come through one of the portals to the non-magical world. The Los Angeles area should provide plenty of room to hide. But the distant cousin who has tried to kill Crystal follows them. And on this side, he finds a serial killer who infects his victims with viruses willing to do the job for him.

In order to clear a path to Crystal, the serial killer infects Valeriah with a virus that is especially virulent for a werewolf--rabies. She only survives with the help of Rolf’s draconic magic and because of the healing power of her unicorn blood. As she recovers, Valeriah and Rolf discover that their love for each other is more important than the difficulties of a romance between a dragon and a werewolf.

But they still have to catch the serial killer and the man behind it all. And when a werewolf and a dragon go on the hunt together, their quarry better start to worry.

BLOOD WILL TELL is an urban fantasy novel with elements of paranormal romance at 88,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

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Third attempt: Still a tad too long, I think.

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Dear [agent name]:
Being a hybrid in Chimeria, where all the magical races are able to take human form, is rarely easy. Being a half-werewolf, unable to take wolf form, but still driven by the full moon, is one of the hardest. Add to that a hybrid father, making you half-werewolf and one-quarter unicorn--about as far apart as two races in Chimeria can be--and life just gets complicated. Vegetarian at the new moon, when her unicorn blood prevails, and manic carnivore at the full moon, Valeriah’s life is a constant juggling act trying to balance her own nature.

Her werewolf strength and instincts make her a formidable bodyguard for the elite and powerful of Chimeria. But when her werewolf blood is used as an excuse to prevent her from inheriting her share of her grandfather’s estate, it’s obvious what those in power really think of her. When someone tries to kill the only remaining heir, her cousin Crystal, it looks like their grandfather’s estate may be a mixed blessing. Someone else wants it badly enough to kill for it.

Despite her anger, Valeriah can’t abandon Crystal. The women accept help from a mysterious young man named Rolf, who turns out to be a dragon in disguise. After the third attempt to kill Crystal, Valeriah decides that she will be safer if they abandon the magical world of Chimeria for the time being and come through one of the portals to the non-magical world. The Los Angeles area should provide plenty of room to hide. But their enemy follows them. And on this side, he finds a serial killer who infects his victims with viruses willing to do the job for him.

In order to clear a path to Crystal, the serial killer infects Valeriah with a virus that is especially virulent for a werewolf--rabies. She only survives with the help of Rolf’s draconic magic and because of the healing power of her unicorn blood.

Through her illness, Valeriah and Rolf discover that their love for each other is more important than the difficulties of a romance between a dragon and a werewolf. But they still have to catch the serial killer and the man behind it all. And when a werewolf and a dragon go on the hunt together, their quarry better start to worry.

BLOOD WILL TELL is an urban fantasy novel with elements of paranormal romance at 93,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

---

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And on this side, he finds a serial killer who uses germ warfare on his victims willing to do the job for him in exchange for some enhanced viruses.

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What? I seem to have difficulties understanding the concept behind the killer. Who is willing to do the job for him? The victims? For enhanced viruses? Why?

edit ops,it seems i misread the sentence. Go, me! I understand it now

For example, why do we need to know she's a vegetarian at the new moon? Is she only a vegetarian on that specific date? Or is she a vegetarian all month round, it's just easiest at the new moon? If this is just meant to demonstrate that she fights her werewolf nature, then that's an idea mentioned three times in as many sentences and two of those three could probably be cut.

Another place things could be cut down - all the mention of rabies being particularly damaging to werewolves and her recovery from an attack. Those are twists and turns that I think can wait until the agent read the full mss. In a sense, they are sub-conflicts to the main conflict - trying to protect her cousin - and I think a query is supposed to focus in on the central conflict/problem.

One big thing that I think does belong in the query is whether or not Valeriah can step between worlds on her own. Is this something the dragon does for her, or is it one of her talents as a half-werewolf?

If I may suggest a possible rewrite, you might want to consider condensing everything down into two-ish paragraphs. I've only done a sketchy version below, to give you an idea of what I mean by that:

P1: Valeriah is a half-werewolf/bodyguard, denies her heritage, working to protect her cousin Crystal. A job made more complicated by x y z (something here to raise the tension and explain why she decides to take her protectee into the magic-less world of Earth).

P2: BUT trouble follows them through the portal, and in fact things get worse because none of Valeriah's training has taught her how to deal with an assassin who uses germs as a weapon. If she wants to survive - much less save her cousin (or some other reminder of what's at stake) - she's going to have to accept the help of the mysterious half-dragon Rolf (who... however she met him... or mention of maybe falling in love with him... or something else about him.)

Very short P3: A transition sentence and then that last sentence from your first query - because I really liked :-) "And when a werewolf and a dragon go on the hunt together, their quarry better start to worry."

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edit ops,it seems i misread the sentence. Go, me! I understand it now

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Well, if you misread it, that's probably a sign that I need to fix it anyway. I think a little too much was stuffed into that one sentence.

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For example, why do we need to know she's a vegetarian at the new moon? Is she only a vegetarian on that specific date? Or is she a vegetarian all month round, it's just easiest at the new moon? If this is just meant to demonstrate that she fights her werewolf nature, then that's an idea mentioned three times in as many sentences and two of those three could probably be cut.

Another place things could be cut down - all the mention of rabies being particularly damaging to werewolves and her recovery from an attack. Those are twists and turns that I think can wait until the agent read the full mss. In a sense, they are sub-conflicts to the main conflict - trying to protect her cousin - and I think a query is supposed to focus in on the central conflict/problem.

One big thing that I think does belong in the query is whether or not Valeriah can step between worlds on her own. Is this something the dragon does for her, or is it one of her talents as a half-werewolf?

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Hmm. That's what comes from trying to balance conflicting advice about what belongs in a query. Things that I've read say to include some details and to try to tell a story in miniature.

I take your point about the first paragraph. It needs to give you a reason to care about the MC, but it shouldn't be repetitive. There are other things I can put in, instead.

And I need to refine the whole viruses as weapons thing. It's not coming across like I want.

I don't know how I'll work it into the query, but FYI. Only dragons can create portals (with one exception). But, once a portal exists, anybody can go through it. And there are five permanent portals.

My 2c / opinion follows. Since I'm not an agent, I'm not claiming any authority on the matter, but I've tried to put myself in what I'd imagine an agent's mindset to be when providing the feedback below. I realise this might be restating comments made by our esteemed colleagues above but I thought it might be interesting to be comprehensive in case it helps you see how I came to whatever conclusions I did.

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Valeriah is a half-werewolf who constantly (a)battles her nature. (b)She is a vegetarian at the (c)new moon. And she tries to run herself to exhaustion at the full moon rather that give in to the call of her blood. Her physical training combined with her werewolf strength and instincts make her a formidable bodyguard for the (d)elite of Chimeria.

Even so, she is (e)disinherited because of her werewolf blood. Despite her anger, Valeriah can’t abandon (f)her cousin, Crystal, when someone tries to kill her(g) over the legacy(h). The women accept help from a mysterious young man named Rolf, who turns out(i) to be a dragon in disguise.

Valeriah decides that it will be easier to protect Crystal(j) if they abandon the magical world of Chimeria for the time being and come through the portals(k) to (l)this world. But the distant cousin who has tried to kill Crystal follows them. And on this side, he finds a serial killer who uses germ warfare on his victims (m)willing to do the job for him in (n)exchange for some enhanced viruses.

While protecting Crystal, Valeriah is nearly killed by the rabies virus, which is (o)particularly dangerous for werewolves. As she recovers, Valeriah and Rolf decide that their (p)love for each other is more important than the difficulty(q) of a relationship between a dragon and a werewolf.

But they still have to catch both the serial killer and the man behind it all. And when a werewolf and a dragon go on the hunt together, their quarry better start to worry(r).

BLOOD WILL TELL is an urban fantasy novel with elements of(s) paranormal romance at 88,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon your request. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants], per the instructions on [the agent’s] website.

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Thoughts from my first readthrough

a) battles her nature is too ambiguous for me. I'm expecting a first sentence that makes me go 'wow!' and keeps me reading the whole query. Do I have to assume the 'nature' is that of being a werewolf? At the moment I have to do a bit too much work to connect 'her nature' with 'vegetarian', and 'call of blood'.

b) The rest of this paragraph feels like bullet point exposition. Because I want to be immersed into your writing in the query, I wonder if this might work against you.

c) I don't understand the link between the new moon and the full moon.

d) I think the central conflict needs to be concentrated on and amplified in the query. The sudden introduction of the elite of Chimeria leaves me with more questions than answers.

e) By whom?

f) I feel I'm getting even more sucked into subplot and extra details.

g) who?

h) What is 'the legacy'?

i) how?

j) from what?

k) This sounds too easy. If there are portals through which a person can run away from his or her troubles, then why is there anyone left on their world?

l) I've been assuming her point of view somehow, so felt 'this' didn't make sense.

m) Runon?

n) There are enhanced viruses in the werewolf world?

o) Does this need to be said? It's fatal in humans as-is.

p) Given its position in the synopsis, this sounds like the least important subplot, and yet for the genre to be subclassed as paranormal romance it seems it should be given more airtime.

q) How is it difficult? (So far all I have to go on is that they both look human most of the time)

r) I also liked this.

s) I imagine this is fine if querying someone who specialises in this particular mix, otherwise I think it's much clearer just to say urban fantasy novel.

Ok, so thinking about it some more, I just felt I got confused, bombarded by little details. Considering the various plot arcs, I seem to identify the following:

a Valeriah's struggle with being a werewolf. (Does this change?)
b Valeriah's role as a Chimerian bodyguard. (Is this relevant?)
c Valeriah's familial rejection. (Does she ever resolve this?)
d Crystal's flight from danger, and resolution of the bad cousin's threat.
e The evolving relationship between Valeriah and Rolf.
f The serial killer, his threat to 'this world' and resolution.

It just seemed a bit much to me.

I wonder also whether Crystal is too passive. She seems like a token designed to get Valieriah to act protective, move to the new world and get into the hunt for a bad guy. Does she contribute? As it reads at the moment, I wonder if it would seem better were Crystal dropped and Valeriah be the one who is pursued into the new world.

Finally, I wonder if you can work your voice and writing into the query a little. Were I to quickly jot down a draft opening I might start it something like

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Being a werewolf is easy. If there were a manual it would be a three by five card saying pop out at the full moon, eat a few unarmed peasants and howl poetically. Being a half-werewolf on the other hand, now that's hard.

Valeriah's human relatives, having taken umbrage at her lupine proclivities, have disowned her. She might be able to outperform her colleagues in physical duties but even they raise the occasional eyebrow at her strict vegetarian diet and unexplained absence every month. So when cousin Crystal unexpectedly ...

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Which is only to say, try and make it read as exciting and action packed as the story's prose.

Do what he tells you Meredith. That's my opinion.

You might want to focus more on the fact that a lot of this story takes place in Los Angeles. This line " Valeriah decides that she will be safer if they abandon the magical world of Chimeria for the time being and come through one of the portals to the non-magical world." could be simplified. They flee to strange non-magical place called Los Angeles, is the important information. The fact that they want to come back is not important, the fact that they use portals can be inferred.

It just seems a bit wordy. Keep the second attempt, but go through and simplify each sentence.

I haven't done a rewrite exactly, but I've rearranged things so that it read a little smoother to me, and I've cut out a lot of detail (maybe too much) to simplify it. Hopefully you'll find it useful. The only thing I've directly changed is the opening line, to try and tie in the 'is one of the hardest' more directly. It's not great, but meh.

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Dear [agent name]:

The life of a hybrid in Chimeria, where all the magical races are able to take human form, is never easy. Being half werewolf, drven by the moon and unable to take wolf form, is one of the hardest. Add to that a hybrid father, making you half werewolf and one quarter unicorn--about as far apart as two races in Chimeria can be--and life gets beyond complicated. Vegetarian at the start of the month when her unicorn blood prevails, and manic carnivore at the end, Valeriah lives a constant juggling act, trying to balance out her own nature. She’s certainly not looking for the challenge of a man in her life, either. Besides, which race would she choose from?

Her werewolf strength and instincts make her a formidable bodyguard for the elite of Chimeria, but when Valeriah's werewolf blood stops her inheriting part of her grandfather's estate, it's obvious what people really think. However, when someone tries to kill her cousin Crystal, it seems the estate may be a mixed blessing: someone else wants it badly enough to kill for. Despite her anger, Valeriah cannot abandon Crystal, and together the women accept help from a mysterious and attractive young man named Rolf, who turns out to be a dragon in disguise.

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Also, I'd suggest going straight from 'complicated' to 'Her warewolf strength' (though change it to 'Valeriah's warewolf strength', obviously). I think the bit about balancing her nature is already covered by everything that comes before it (particularly the 'complicated' bit), and I'm not sure that the 'certainly not looking [for a] man' part adds anything either. Then again, I suppose you could keep it and put 'Valeriah' instead of 'she'.

Hope this helps,
Daniel.

EDIT: Haha, just realised I'm REALLY late on this thread. Oh well .

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited January 06, 2010).]

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EDIT: Haha, just realised I'm REALLY late on this thread. Oh well .

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