posted
Starting the rewrite. Those first two pages haven't gotten me any requests for partials. So here's a slightly later beginning. And a little more emphasis on an early manifestation of the magic. Any better?
New beginning:
quote:The boys stood on top of the river bank, fascinated by the flowing water. Vatar’s eyes followed the ripples as the current split and churned around the large rocks in the middle of the river bed. All the water he had ever seen had been in quiet waterholes. Vatar had never seen water that moved and swirled like this. He watched as a small, leafy branch floated past, carried downstream by the current.
“Let’s get closer.” Torkaz was already looking for a way down the bank.
“I don’t know, Torkaz,” Vatar said. “I’m not sure we should. It feels wrong.”
“After all the trouble we went to to get here? I’m not leaving without a closer look. It’s just water. So it moves. What’s so dangerous about that?
Original beginning:
quote:A jubilant whoop escaped Vatar’s lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. Torkaz returned Vatar’s grin, confident that his plan would work.
Vatar leaned forward, urging his horse to go faster. It was a clear challenge to a race and soon the three boys were galloping across the open grassland. Fenar leaned forward until he lay along his horse’s neck and flew past the other two boys.
“Great idea, Vatar!” Torkaz said when they reined in their horses. “Now we’re almost far enough away from the herd and the herdsmen don’t suspect a thing.”
Vatar didn’t tell his friend that he had just felt like racing for the joy of it. He just grinned back.
quote:The boys stood on top of the river bank, fascinated by the flowing water. Vatar’s eyes
I've had people ping on me for eyes vs. gaze before - his eyes aren't really going anywhere, after all. Just a small nit (which I don't always agree with) but in the first 13 it might make a difference to an agent.
quote:All the water he had ever seen had been in quiet waterholes. Vatar had never seen water that moved and swirled like this. He watched as a small, leafy branch floated past, carried downstream by the current.
These three sentences seem to be repeating two pieces of information - maybe condense it down into two sentences, eliminating the middle one.
All the dialogue that follows sounds real to me and gives a hint of what's about to happen - something bad - which intrigues me more than the "escaping from the watching eyes of guardians" intro. In your original beginning, they were kids about to start an adventure. In this one, they're kids out adventuring... and something sounds like it's about to go seriously wrong.
posted
New version it is, then. Rewrite officially underway.
I like this version better also because, just a little further down, I think I do a better job of beginning to show Vatar's ambivalence to what will turn out to be his own magical talents. And that lets me better set up one of the lesser conflicts of the story.
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Rewrite officially underway.
