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I couldn’t stop him. There was no escape. He was just too powerful. I tried compressing myself through the dark ventilation shaft, when suddenly I was met with the daunting presence of a creature unlike anything I have ever seen before: with a single grotesque red eye, large teeth, and an extraordinary amount of fear!

It was then that I knew that this was the end, and my life’s work? What a waste. Trying to create the perfect human, Humans with no flaws, was a bunch of bull****! Trying to play the roll of God? Trying to become a God! There was a price I had to pay…

And now, with only seconds away from my most inevitable death, I’ve realized that I have created a monster: a monster that

Some people do include some other information, such as part of a prologue or proposed text for the back cover. I don't much understand this, as I think the whole point of the first thirteen is to see if that half page of text is enough, on its own, to grab an editor's attention and get them to continue on. So, I generally try to avoid reading related to the story that's not in that block of text.

Second, you are giving way more than the first thirteen here, for both sections. If my memory serves, the first thirteen lines are calibrated based off 1-inch margins and 12-point Courier font.

As for the first thirteen, I think they are well written, in that I'm getting a very clear picture in my head, even if they lack in the proofreading department. Still, the picture of Kingsbridge University and Henry Jackson driving into it to confront Dean Lawson isn't compelling to me.

The fact that Dean Lawson screwed the whole place up in a year really isn't that interesting, as you can go to any university that has had a new Dean come in and throw a rock at the faculty and hit someone who thinks the same thing.

Second, I like what you have. Mostly. You have good voice and tone going on. Sometimes it's the author's voice that is the strongest when you're writing thrid person, but you pulled it off with flying colors. This isn't some writer telling me what's going on, this is a guy facing what I can imagine will be a very gruesome end.

I got a little hung up on minor flaws. Maybe they were strictly stylistic, but things like the "!" after "amount of fear!" seemed almost silly. Also, I didn't really understand who had the "extraordinary amount of fear!" Was it the creature? That's how it felt to me.

"Daunting" didn't feel like the right word. You've got all this raw emotion building in a pressure cooker. Daunting tells me you took off the lid and a bunch of the steam escaped. Get a harder hitting word in there.

The next paragraph opens with a sentense I think should probably be two.

"It was then that I knew that this was the end, and my life’s work?"

This should probably read:

"It was then that I knew that this was the end. And my life's work?"

Oh, and I'd cut that second "that" right out of there. I use the "Find/Replace" function and cut all the "that"s and "have"s that I don't need. Otherwise you can get bogged down in the language.

The only other thing is the line:

"And now, with only seconds away from my most inevitable death,"

I get that his death is inevitable. I don't need the "most" part, and actually, I don't need the inevitable. I'm not saying you should absolutely cut it, but the "most" feels weird. Like over-writing, maybe? I'm not sure.

You've got a good start here. I hope you keep going with it. It's not my usual cup of tea, but I like it. And please only use what you agree with. This is just my opinion. Throw anything you don't like right out the window!