quote:Lerian sat back at his ease, waiting. There was little else to do, now. He and his brothers had scoured the mountainside, stopping up any hole large enough for anything bigger than a rabbit to slip through. The dragon would have to come out of this cave sooner or later. They’d placed spears in the ground facing the cave mouth to bottle it up when it did.
“You seem awfully relaxed for hunting dragons,” Cordan said as his pacing brought him to Lerian’s side of the clearing.
Lerian shrugged. “Why not? What’s different about hunting dragons than hunting anything else?”
“Um, they're big. And they breathe fire,” Cordan said.
Lerian laughed. “Just keep to the back, Cord. I’ll make sure the beast doesn’t get you.”
Version 2:
quote:Lerian sat back apparently at his ease, waiting and idly scratching Cat’s silky ears. What else was there to do, now? He and his brothers had scoured the mountainside, stopping up every hole large enough for anything bigger than a rabbit to slip through. The dragon would have to come out of this cave sooner or later. They’d placed spears in the ground facing the cave mouth to bottle it up when it did.
“You seem awfully relaxed for hunting dragons,” Cordan said as his pacing brought him to Lerian’s side of the clearing.
The boy was nervous. Lerian shrugged, deliberately casual. “Why not? What’s different about hunting dragons than hunting anything else?”
“Well, they’re big. And they breathe fire,” Cordan said.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited February 20, 2010).]
posted
Overall I like it very much. Love how they have the dragon trapped. A practical approach to dragon hunting, with the confidence of experience to back him up. Why not, indeed?
I have a few nits, but nothing major: “Lerian sat back at his ease, waiting. There was little else to do, now.” These two sentences are a bit of a slow start. The repeating structure with a pause at the end of each sentence caught my ear. Maybe combine them into one?
I noticed “any” and “anything”. Just saying.
“Um, there big.” Um sounds like something an American would say. Seems a tad out of place in another world. (they’re big)
I like the nickname.
Don’t know what POV you’re going for; just FYI, I’m not firmly in Lerian’s head.
quote:Don’t know what POV you’re going for; just FYI, I’m not firmly in Lerian’s head.
Yeah, I know. And I'm going to have to fix that because the battle with the dragon (coming right up) probably does need to be in Lerian's POV to make sense.
posted
I like vesion 2 better. Lerian comes across as very confident which I think was intentional, but it negates the tension of fighting dragons. Maybe he could be worried that Cord will do something stupid and get hurt?
Overall, I like it. It is well written as always.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited February 20, 2010).]
The "apparently at his ease" made me think I was looking at Lerian from another character's POV. The next line--the question--dragged me into Lerian, because I couldn't identify where else to be. I think removing "apparently at his ease" would actually clarify the opening.
I like the rest. The setup is interesting. Cordan sounds like a boy trying to justify his concern, and Lerian sounds like a man who knows there's no value in worrying. They've done what the can. It's up to Cordan and readers to wonder what will happen.
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