posted
Just wanted to know what you all thought of this. Does it work? Is it too much, not enough? This isn't the first thirteen. It occurs in a later chapter of my book.
Across a rain-swept field under a wind-blown sky, two small shapes scurried, running like scared rabbits fleeing a fox. A low growl of thunder crawled from behind the dark clouds overhead, rolling across the field in a shuddering wave. One of the rabbits halted halfway through a dense tangle of brambles, resting his hands on his knees. “S-Stop!” the little rabbit said to the larger rabbit. “I need... to rest!” The larger rabbit whirled, grabbed the little rabbit by the back of the neck and shoved him forward. Then they were off again, heading towards a dark line of trees at the far end of the field. A few hundred yards behind them, a black fox stood on a knoll in the driving rain, smiling as he watched his quarry slip away.
The reason there's a question mark is I'm not so sure of the simile being turned into a long, drawn out metaphor. Actually, it's way past metaphor and is almost reading like a early morning cartoon.
I think my problem is that you are taking humans (I'm assuming their human or at least humanoid from the use of the simile), portraying them as animals, and then turning around and anthropomorphizing those animals. It's very weird and I don't know how to take that. Could work depending on the mood of your story, or it could be incredibly jarring.
I am not sure what kind of feedback you are looking for here. What is it? The description? The passage as a whole?
Snippets are hard to judge. With beginings we know what you are trying to accomplish(getting the reader to turn the page), but in the middle of a book, we don't. Maybe you could clue us in on what happened before or tell us what you want us to get from this snippet.
posted
I like the imagery you have going, but the whole rabbit thing lost me. I'd drop it, but the rest of it I liked.
Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think I was trying for wry humor, here. I've had some misgivings about it, so I just thought I'd put it out here and see what people said. The two characters aren't rabbits being chased by a fox. They are well-established at this point of the book, so the reader will know exactly who they are. I had no intention of writing this scene this way. This is just how it came out when I sat down to write it. I realize it's pretty hard to judge out of context, but still I wanted to get your thoughts.
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
If anyone would like to read the entire chapter I'd be happy to send it out. Maybe then it would be easier to tell if this opening is jarring or not. No problem either way.
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I liked it, with similar caveats. Also wind-blown didn't work for me in 'wind-blown sky' though as a reader I would probably stream on past it. Things are wind-blown, hair, trees, grass; the sky is the backdrop of this activity.
What you might consider is making it into a 'quote' heading the chapter. Make it about rabbits and foxes (are there black foxes?), maybe a quote from a children's story which reflects what is going on in your story.
So your chapter starts with John and Sue running into the subway to escape the terrorist. Sue says "I can't go on anymore! We've switched trains six times! Can I get a soda?"
John lets her sit on the bench for a few minutes, looking over his shoulder; then lifts her up by an elbow. "We need to keep moving."
But above the chapter is the rabbits analogy, in italics, with a 'source' underneath it ("Popular Children's stories, 2096), maybe with the fox watching them; feeling vastly superior to the terrified little running things he is herding around out of pure malice. Or whatever.
posted
Wind-blown sky doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense, does it? Hmm... I guess I was trying to say that the clouds were swirling. Interesting idea about the chapter heading. Thanks!
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
Actually, now that I think about it, this IS sort of a chapter heading. I could italicize it so that that is more evident.
...(i)A few hundred yards behind them, a black fox stood on a knoll in the driving rain, smiling as he watched his quarry slip away.(/i)
* * * * Digger leaned against the bole of an oak and watched their back trail. The rain dripped from the canopy of leaves overhead, making small rustling sounds in the undergrowth. Digger listened to each new sound with growing alarm.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
