To nitpick:

Should there be a comma before the word Evie in the first sentence? Also, consider "had gone" instead of "went" in the first sentence.

"With raw fire" makes it seem as if there really is raw fire tearing through her retinas. Is there another way to say "as if"? I know it's light doing the tearing, but it seemed odd. I could be wrong about this one.

Why would she stare deeply into them every chance she got? Raw fire and tearing doesn't sound good.

Massive glimmering, minute gentle undulations. Odd juxtaposition. Intentional?

Deep in her absolute - not the same word but seems like an echo.

Gentle whir. Gentle undulations. Echo.

Door sliding open jars her into her usual hollow. It sounds as if this happens automatically when the door opens. Is that the case or does she choose to move?

Delicate footfall gently - another echo?

OK, you probably read this and think I'm a big jerk. These are really nit picky things of which my lack of familiarity of the genre could misinterpret and they could be totally correctly written. I mentioned in your hello that I don't know what I'm talking about, but if I hit any nails on any heads then cool.

axeminister: The echo is definitely my worst enemy. Good catch on the gentlies and delicates. This is actually my fifth edit and I caught many much more obvious ones previously. I appreciate the close read there.

To address the other nits that were deservedly picked:

I tend to scatter commas, semicolons, and em dashes around like birdshot from a 10-gauge sawed-off, but I actually prefer that sentence as a single drawn-out breath. I did consider breaks in it, but decided against them. To that end I like "went" rather than "had gone" because it is briefer.

"with raw fire" -- I'm bummed that isn't obviously figurative because I really like the phrasing of that sentence a lot. I'll let that input gestate and see if I can find another way to convey it better that I like the phrasing of as much.

Sounds like I need to spend more words making it obvious that the first time was the only painful viewing, specifically because of the angle she was viewing them from at that time. I was hoping that would be more obvious from the break in paragraph and the description of what holds her attention now, the massive glimmering and minute undulations (no more gentleness!), rather than have to explicitly lay it out, but I think it is needed now that you point it out. Thanks for the very good points. The massive versus minute was not intentional, I do like it as such though.

The jarring is usually a reflexive reaction for her whenever she hears any nearby noise, so I do intend to suggest some kind of automated response there.

I definitely appreciate the very good input and absolutely do not find such good constructive criticism jerky at all. If you really are interested in test reading, I'm going to have two copies out for reads now but would happily put you next on the list.

This is well written with a nice voice, but it doesn't feel young adult, at least it isn't like the young adult that I read.

I think my biggest complaint is lack of orientation.

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The first time they (I'd rather you come right out and tell us what they are instead of using the pronoun. Even at the end I am not sure) came into view Evie thought she went blind. The trajectory of the shuttle’s approach to the Lifeboat was such that the light reflected from the sails tore through her retinas with raw fire (This to me sounds like it is like looking at the sun. Is that the impression you intended?).

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Okay, so right here I have a picture of Evie sitting in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean (because I don't know where else to put her even though the capitalization of the Lifeboat makes me think it is something different, but you give me nothing to go off of) watching a shuttle approach and staring at the sails?? I don't know what else she would find so interesting on the shuttle. Clearly I am very disoriented, but it could just be me.

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Now (so the first sentence was in the past and now she is in a different place?) she stared deeply into them every chance she got, lost in their massive glimmering uniformity--the minute, gentle undulations of their skins lulling her fears and doubts into a whisper. (I still don't know what they are, and I don't understand why you are being unclear? Without orientation of what they are this description means nothing to me) She was so deep in her absolute (cut absolute, it adds nothing, IMO) meditation that she forgot to scurry into hiding when the gentle whir of the door sliding open should have jarred her (The sliding of the doors would jar her from her daydreams making her scurry to her hiding place, but they wouldn't jar her into the hiding place, right?) into her usual hollow beneath the humidifiers. This sentence is long and almost poetic, and because of that, it loses any tension. I don't feel a sense of urgency or danger, should I?

It wasn’t until the fourth or fifth delicate footfall sounded gently (delicate suggests gently using both is redundant. Get rid of one or the other) on the glistening dark (once again this long sentences ruins any intended tension (if tension is intended). I suggest cutting 'glistening dark') floors that she broke herself from her reverie.

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So all I really know is that Evie is fascinated with something, maybe sails on the shuttle, but I am not sure. I have no idea where Evie is or anything else about her, but I have a suspicion that she is a stowaway, maybe?

I really would like to know what she is fascinated with, if she was rescued by the shuttle from her lifeboat in the first paragraph, and where she is now. I don’t need a paragraph of back story just a hint here and there to help orient me, so I don’t think answering these questions in the beginning is asking too much.

This is a great opener! Regarding axeminister's comment about the "raw fire" line, could you change the word "with" to "like" in that sentence and save it? That would make it a simile instead of a metaphor, which would remove the possible literal interpretation.

I'd be interested in test reading it if you are still looking for readers (email: twstd2010@yahoo.com)

Cheers,
Ennis

The biggest thing that is supposed to come out of this passage is that Evie is completely absorbed in her pastime and the interruption is so, dare I say it, gentle, that while she should have scrambled off into hiding, in fact she gets caught. She is not a stow away but is in a restricted area without permission, as is made clear in the rest of the chapter. Later in the chapter there is also lengthy exposition about the sails, their structure, and function. I do see how it wouldn't hurt to provide a bit more direct orientation right from the start though. Thanks again for the thorough feedback.

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While I actually intend to keep the reader somewhat confused right there, I think letting the second sentence spell out explicitly that these are huge solar sails on a massive spacecraft could still work. I also gather from all the feedback that I need to be more clear that on the first approach she was in a shuttle coming to dock on the giant ship and the sun was reflecting off of them, causing suffering when viewed. Now that they have left the orbital station, there are no sources of intense light to cause intense reflections.

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Clarity is usually what we're all striving for. Is there a reason why you want to confuse the reader right at the beginning? Because that seems to me to skirt awfully close to withholding and readers usually tend to resent that.

I hope you aren't offended, but I am going to suggest a little rearrangement of your first paragraph to help with flow and clarity.

I italicized what I think should be cut and added bolded words to replace the italicized.

quote:

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The first time they the Lifeboat came into view Evie thought she had gone blind. The trajectory of the small shuttle she rode in, as it approached the giant Lifeboat docked in the orbital station, was such that the sunlight reflected from[/] (off?) the sails [i]of the larger vessel tore through her retinas as if with raw fire.

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I think once you establish that it is the lifeboat she is looking at, it will be obvious that she is on the shuttle. And that is enough to orient me at this time.

quote:

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Now the sun was far behind them, and from her secret vantage on the big ship (is the big ship the Lifeboat? I think you should name the ship) she stared deeply into the solar sails stretching out before the boat every chance she got, lost in their massive glimmering uniformity--the minute undulations of their skins lulling her fears and doubts into a whisper. She was so deep in her meditation that she forgot to scurry into her usual hollow beneath the humidifiers when at the almost soundless whir of the door sliding open should have jarred her into a panic.

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This is much clearer. I like it.

[This message has been edited by MAP (edited April 14, 2010).]