posted
This is a 40K plus (by the time it is complete somewhere around 50K) novel. I called it historical fiction because it takes place around 5000 years ago. This is a story of Atlantis in its final days. Here goes everything.
Asteag knew he was dreaming; his aged eyes saw him atop the mountain on the otherwise perfect day. The sun bathing his tanned face in warmth and the wind ruffling his close cropped hair was spoiled by black tendrils of smoke streaking from the heavens into the sea. Several harbingers caused waves taller than a pachyderm to wash away several sandbar islands. Ships; twisted and torn churned in the black, angry sea. Corpses of his friends were among the carnage; he could just feel it. Asteag picked the spot purposefully; this was the spot where he would survive. From here he would be forced to witness the destruction of his home.
posted
I'd just go ahead and call an Atlantis story fantasy.
quote:Asteag knew he was dreaming; his aged eyes saw him atop the mountain on the otherwise perfect day. The sun bathing his tanned face in warmth and the wind ruffling his close cropped hair was spoiled by black tendrils of smoke streaking from the heavens into the sea.
Well, starting with a dream is cliche and probably a bad choice. You call this YA and yet you're apparently starting with an elderly (aged) character, which is probably not going to help grab your target audience.
quote:Several harbingers caused waves taller than a pachyderm to wash away several sandbar islands.
Check the definition of harbinger as a precursor or forerunner or something that foreshadows. This leaves me wondering harbingers of what. As is, the sentence doesn't make sense.
quote:Ships; twisted and torn churned in the black, angry sea. Corpses of his friends were among the carnage; he could just feel it. Asteag picked the spot purposefully; this was the spot where he would survive. From here he would be forced to witness the destruction of his home.
You're using semi-colons correctly, but possibly excessively. There's nothing wrong with a simple and or even a few short sentences.
This is a novel, so you have a little more time for the hook, but I'm not feeling a compelling conflict or a character I can identify with and care about. Maybe it's because you told me this is Atlantis and I expect Atlantis to be submerged under the sea.
You should join the Novel Support Group (NSG) in Hatrack Groups, too.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited April 16, 2010).]
posted
thanks Meridith, those snafus were pointed out to me as you were posting. LoL I will rework it when I get a few minutes.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2010
| IP: Logged |
I’m a little confused right from the start, Asteag knows he’s dreaming but nothing about this opening seems like a dream other than you saying ‘Asteag knew he was dreaming’
his aged eyes saw him atop the mountain on the otherwise perfect day.
I’m not loving ‘aged eyes’ I get that you are trying to tell us something about Asteag without saying ‘he’s old’ but as our POV it doesn’t seem likely he would think of his eyes as aged. ‘saw him atop the mountain’ is a weird phrase for me, is he dreaming in the third person? ‘Otherwise perfect day’ there is nothing in this sentence to ruin the perfect day
The sun bathing his tanned face in warmth and the wind ruffling his close cropped hair was spoiled by black tendrils of smoke streaking from the heavens into the sea.
This strikes me as disjointed the first part is about the sun and the breeze but then you say they are spoiled by ‘black tendrils of smoke’ I take it you mean the day was ruined but that’s not how it reads. Also the tendrils of smoke wouldn’t be streaking anywhere something else streaked (meteors?) leaving behind black tendrils of smoke. Several harbingers caused waves taller than a pachyderm to wash away several sandbar islands.
A little odd to compare the size of a wave to a pachyderm, and that’s really not that big of a wave. Elephants are somewhere around thirteen feet tall people surf waves that size.
Asteag picked the spot purposefully; this was the spot where he would survive. From here he would be forced to witness the destruction of his home.
He picked a spot but the first line says he is dreaming so I’m still confused.
quote:Asteag knew he was dreaming[;<--A normal comma is fine here--and I LOVE usin semicolons. ] his aged eyes saw [him<Who? If this is supposed to be himself, why not just: looked down from atop the mountain[Mt. What? Wouldn't he know? on the otherwise perfect day. The sun bathing [his tanned face<--POV. Would he be thinking abot "his tanned face"?] [in warmth<--Assumed.] and the wind [ruffling his close cropped hair<--IMHO - maybe the wind should be buffeting him, because I have a tough time thinking it would be just hitting his hair.] was spoiled by black tendrils of smoke streaking from the heavens into the sea.<--[This sentence is passive. IMHO - try to invert it: Billowing black smoke streaked through the sky and plunged into the ocean, spoiling a warm day filled with gentle breezes.] [Several<--first of two in this sentence.] harbingers<--[Vague. Are they meteors that are the harbingers of the complte annihilation of Atlantis?] [caused<--I'd use a stronger verb, like:thrust or plunged] waves taller than a pachyderm [to wash away several<--[IMHO: upon the] sandbar islands. Ships[--]twisted and torn[--]churned in the black, angry sea. [Corpses of h<--IMHO - cut.[/i] H[/i]is friends were among the carnage; he could [just<--IMHO - cut.] feel it. Asteag picked the spot purposefully[:] [this was the spot w<--IMHO - cut]here he would survive. From here he would [be forced to<--IMHO - cut.] witness the destruction of his home.
Other than the dream(take away all the "would be"s and make them "now"s) and this is a great hook. I'd be sold. The prose could use a little tightening and clarification, but, I'd read on.
I agree with Meredith in that you need a younger protagonist for a YA audience to associate with.
quote:A little odd to compare the size of a wave to a pachyderm, and that’s really not that big of a wave. Elephants are somewhere around thirteen feet tall people surf waves that size.
Ever been out on the ocean? It's not the thirty-foot waves made famous by Deadliest Catch, but five to six foot waves will make port fishermen think twice, twelve would make him no go out that day.
posted
Ever been out on the ocean? It's not the thirty-foot waves made famous by Deadliest Catch, but five to six foot waves will make port fishermen think twice, twelve would make him no go out that day.
We are talking about a catastrophic event here (caused by meteors?) crushing ships and wiping away islands, so no a 13' wave is not that big.
posted
Okay, here is the updated version. Thanks for all the great input thus far.
Thunder awoke Asteag to his sweat-soaked bedding. The nightmare -burned into his memory- must have been triggered by Grampa’s model and testimony to the Senate the day before.
He could still see the meteors as they screeched past and plunged well out to sea looking like whale spray. Black tendrils of smoke from the Night-flower’s harbingers heralded waves larger than the tallest ship’s mast; all of the low lying sandbar islands washed away. Twisted and torn boats churned in the black, angry sea and corpses floated among the carnage. His vantage atop the mountain forced him to witness the destruction of his home. Anger bubbled inside him. Why had the people not listened? Why did they not heed to the warnings?
Asteag shuddered and pulled the thin blanket over his head.
quote:Thunder woke Asteag to his sweat-soaked bedding. The nightmare--burned into his memory--[an em-dash is two hyphens connecting two words]must have been triggered by Grampa’s model and testimony to the Senate the day before.
He could still see the meteors as they screeched past and plunged well out to sea[,] [looking<--[IMHO - cut.] like a montrous whale spray. Black tendrils of smoke from the Night-flower’s harbingers[are the meteors forewarnings of something more destructive?] heralded[This is a little difficult to get through. Herald is redundant after harbinger, since a harbinger is a hearald.] waves larger than the tallest ship’s mast; all of the [low lying<--Redndant. Sandbars are never anything but low-lying. So, you could cut that.] sandbar islands washed away. Twisted and torn boats churned in the black, angry sea and corpses floated among the carnage. His vantage atop the mountain forced him to witness the destruction of his home. Anger bubbled inside him. Why had the people not listened? Why did they not heed to the warnings?
Asteag shuddered and pulled the thin blanket over his head.<--[This quashes all of the tension you just built up. Simple rules for writers to keep readers reading: at tension = attention.]
Problems identified in the first thirteen are often problems found throughout the manuscript. I'd suggest you hunt down these types of problems in the rest of the story and then come back to the beginning. One thing I try to do on the second pass is take all the clunky sentences and find what I'm really trying to say. I might need to break them down into two simpler sentencs to make it clear.
Remember the words of Robert Louis Stevenson: The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean.
Paraphrased (and loosely accredited to Sir Arthur C. Clarke): Our job as writers is not to write so the reader understands, it's to write so the reader can't misunderstand.
posted
Yes Mr. Babbler the Harbingers are the forewarning of the Nightflower (aka comet) the Herald is for the incoming wave.
I thought the low lying was redundant, just forgot to take it out.
I realize *Asteag pulled the thin blanket over his head* takes away from the action I just built but it plays into Asteag being a child and (character development) and moves me into the next part of the scene which isn't explained in the first 13.
posted
Here is the updated version. thanks for the input thus far.
Thunder awoke Asteag to his sweat-soaked bedding. The nightmare—burned into his memory—must have been triggered by Grampa’s model and testimony to the Senate the day before. He could still see the meteors as they screeched past and plunged well out to sea like colossal whale spray. Black tendrils of smoke from the Night-flower’s harbingers sent waves larger than the tallest ship’s mast; all of the sandbar islands washed away. Twisted and torn boats churned in the black, angry sea and corpses floated among the carnage. His vantage atop the mountain forced him to witness the destruction of his home. Anger bubbled inside him. Why had the people not listened? Why did they not heed to the warnings? Asteag shuddered and pulled the thin blanket over his head trying to banish the images.
This version is much improved over your previous posts. In fact, phrases like “colossal whale spray” grab my attention. Very nice. If I’m reading your intent, the hook is that young Asteag is a kid with special powers or prophetic insight (which went unheeded by his people), and he has witnessed the destruction of his Atlantis and is now having nightmares about it. His Grandfather has given testimony to the Senate re the same. Now for my nits:
Thunder awoke Asteag to his sweat-soaked bedding. (Suggest connecting the sound of thunder to the emotion or startle it produces: Something like: Thunder cracked Asteag’s fitful sleep.)
The nightmare—burned into his memory—must have been triggered by Grampa’s model and testimony to the Senate the day before. (“model and testimony” is a bit confusing. Model of what? Of wrecked Atlantis? Also, be sure to misspell “Grampa” throughout if you are not using the preferred “Grandpa.”)
He could still see the meteors as they screeched past and plunged well out to sea like colossal whale spray. (Did Asteag rise from his sweat-soaked bed to look out a window? Suggest you fix that unless you intended a flashback for Asteag. If so, the flashback is confusing. A simple fix would be something like: He had been an eyewitness to yesterday’s carnage.)
Black tendrils of smoke from the Night-flower’s harbingers (like all the other critiques, the word “harbinger” doesn’t work well here–though it may be accurate) sent waves larger than the tallest ship’s mast; all of the sandbar islands washed away.
Twisted and torn (Suggest deleting “and torn” since your readers know that twisted boats are wrecked.) boats churned in the black, angry sea and corpses floated among the carnage. (May I make a suggestion here: I didn’t like the “black, angry sea and corpses floated among the carnage” phrase because I think you can pick up the pace with shorter impact sentences. If Asteag is witnessing all this, or witnessed it in the past, something like: The sea, black and angry, bobbed with the smell of corpses like rotting seaweed.)
His vantage atop the mountain forced him to witness the destruction of his home.(This is where I got confused because you start out with Asteag in a sweat-soaked bed, so how does he suddenly gain a vantage point atop the mountain? The flashback to the nightmare is not clear.)
Anger bubbled inside him. (Nice) Why had the people not listened? Why did they not heed to the warnings? Asteag shuddered and pulled the thin blanket over his head trying to banish the images.
(DD: I think you could move the “Why had the people not listened to (Asteag)” to the very front of this 13. It is your hook: Asteag has prophetic powers or insight and the people rejected (as they always do) the prophet(s). Good luck. I look forward to the next version of your first 13.)
Printer-friendly view of this topic
] his aged eyes saw [him<Who? If this is supposed to be himself, why not just: looked down from atop the mountain[Mt. What? Wouldn't he know? on the otherwise perfect day. The sun bathing [his tanned face<--POV. Would he be thinking abot "his tanned face"?] [in warmth<--Assumed.] and the wind [ruffling his close cropped hair<--IMHO - maybe the wind should be buffeting him, because I have a tough time thinking it would be just hitting his hair.] was spoiled by black tendrils of smoke streaking from the heavens into the sea.<--[This sentence is passive. IMHO - try to invert it: Billowing black smoke streaked through the sky and plunged into the ocean, spoiling a warm day filled with gentle breezes.]
