Thanks in advance for your feedback!

Leah Flynn, her husband Frank, and her daughter, Rebecca, live in a farmhouse in Jacksnipe, California, in 1905, working on their weather machine and building clockwork fish for fun. But when a suspicious fire claims their house and Frank’s life, Leah and her daughter must go live in San Francisco with wealthy relatives. In this new world, their scientific genius is not only irrelevant, it’s illegal.

Leah learns that her former lover, Erasmus Carter, set the fire and stole the plans to the weather machine. She’s determined to finish it, but she needs to be careful: Erasmus controls the Society for Scientific Conquest - the only licensed scientists in San Francisco. Leah forms a team of rogue mechanists and works in secret to complete her husband’s life work before she gets caught.

Rebecca, on the other hand, is enthralled with the glamour of High Society and dreams of being a star in this new world. Still, it's not easy for a geek from the country to break in. When she agrees to exploit her scientific background for her uncle’s pro-science political campaign, she’s famous overnight. But the game gets complex, especially when Erasmus shows up. Rebecca must fight to protect herself and her mother and preserve her burgeoning love affair with the very eligible Matthew Cooper.

When the Great Earthquake hits, both Leah and Rebecca must pull in all their resources to overcome the evil Erasmus Carter and save the city.

This doesn't need to be a full synopsis of the story. You really only need to answer three questions:

• Who is the main character? (I'd pick Leah, but you could try both.)
• What choice does he/she face?
• What are the consequences?
  

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I am seeking representation

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for my science fiction Steampunk

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novel, The Clockwork Phoenix, complete at 102,000 words.

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It generally doesn't hurt to end with a business-like thank you and something like "I look forward to hearing from you". You know, close with the action you want them to take.

You don't need to put in your background unless it's relevant. Business writing isn't, to an agent. Usually only include publishing credits or specific experience (like a police officer writing a crime novel, for example).

For examples--good and bad--start reading the Query Shark.

And good luck.

Leah Flynn and her family are geniuses. In 1905, she and her husband, Frank were finishing up their weather machine, and her daughter, Rebecca, liked to build clockwork fish for fun. But when a fire destroys their farmhouse and claims Frank’s life, Leah and Rebecca must go live in San Francisco with wealthy relatives. Suddenly thrust into the world of posh high society, they find that their scientific genius is not only irrelevant, it’s illegal.

Leah learns that her former fiance, Erasmus Carter, set the fire and stole the plans to the weather machine. She’s determined to finish it, but she needs to be careful: Erasmus controls the Society for Scientific Conquest - the only licensed scientists in San Francisco. Leah forms a team of rogue mechanists and works in secret to complete her husband’s life work before she gets caught.

Rebecca is enthralled with the glamour of High Society and dreams of being a star, despite her mother's objections. But it's not easy for a nerd from the country to break in. She catches the eye of the eligible Matthew Cooper, but that just causes more problems. When she agrees to exploit her scientific background for her uncle’s pro-science political campaign, she’s famous overnight. But with fame comes more enemies and Rebecca is soon in over her head. Finally, it seems her only ally is Erasmus Carter.

Your story sounds interesting, but I think it can be improved by more focus and sense of who the characters are. I understand that your story has two main protagonists, which is tricky to handle, but I think by trying to give both their stories, the query letter feels a little disjointed. I think it would be better to focus on one of the protagonists.

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Leah Flynn and her family are geniuses. I am not sure if this is the best way to begin. Most people have a hard time relating to geniuses and others may find this a little off-putting. You want to give the reader a reason to care about your characters, and I fear this might backfire. I think it might be better to leave geniuses out; we assume that they are really really smart by inventing a weather machine. In 1905, she and her husband, Frank were finishing up their weather machine, and her daughter, Rebecca, liked to build clockwork fish for fun. I have no idea what a clockwork fish is, but I don't read steampunk. But the clockwork fish is never mentioned again in the query, so I don't think it is really important. But when a fire destroys their farmhouse and claims Frank’s life, Leah and Rebecca must go live in San Francisco with wealthy relatives.

Suddenly thrust into the world of posh high society, they find that their scientific genius is not only irrelevant, it’s illegal.

Leah learns that her former fiance, Erasmus Carter, set the fire and stole the plans to the weather machine. She’s determined to finish it, but she needs to be careful: Erasmus controls the Society for Scientific Conquest - the only licensed scientists in San Francisco. Leah forms a team of rogue mechanists and works in secret to complete her husband’s life work before she gets caught. I don't understand why she is taking such a huge risk to do this. Why not try to expose Erasmus as a murderer? I think we need to know why this is so important and what is at stake for her. What would happen if Erasmus finishes the weather machine first?

Rebecca is enthralled with the glamour of High Society and dreams of being a star, despite her mother's objections. But it's not easy for a nerd from the country to break in. She catches the eye of the eligible Matthew Cooper, but that just causes more problems. When she agrees to exploit her scientific background for her uncle’s pro-science political campaign, she’s famous overnight. But with fame comes more enemies and Rebecca is soon in over her head. Finally, it seems her only ally is Erasmus Carter.IMO the only part of this that ties into the rest is Rebecca going to Erasmus for help. I think we need to know specifically what happens that she can't handle on her own and why Erasmus is the only one she feels can help her.

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