Devon and Kristen did everything together, from playing video games while enjoying pizza and soda, to chasing each other through the nature trail in the hot summer. And nothing could separate them. At least that was what Devon always assured her. “Krissy,” he said one night when they were ten, lying with her on the trampoline in his backyard, “I want you to know that nothin’ll ever come between us, kay?” “You sure, Devon? Cause’ sometimes I wonder if we be friends as long you say.” “I swear, Krissy, we be bestest friends, no matter what." And Kristen had believed him. But then they got older. Everything changed after that.
posted
This is cute, but it has a cinematic feel, where we are not really in anyone's POV. If that is what you are going for, that is fine, ignore me. But I personally prefer a deeper POV where you get the thoughts and feelings of one of the characters. And I think that romances tend to be more that way.
posted
This opening is obvious, by which I mean the story wouldn't be Romance if the couple's relationship doesn't change and puberty is a common catalyst. I suggest opening the story either with a scene set right before Devon and Kristen's relationship changes or with a longer scene involving the characters at ten-years-old.
On another note, the name Kristen doesn't fit in my mind with Negro (Black/whatever) speech. I strongly associate that name with light skin, so the dialogue confused me at first.
posted
My issue is that the dialog feels way too young for a ten year old. My five year old talks better than that, though my two year old is a bit closer. I just don't see any self respecting ten year old say "we be bestest friends."
But I am intrigued, and think this start might work. I seems like an older Kristen is the narrator, is that correct?
posted
Actually, you do bring a pretty good point. I have been thinking the dialogue is too young for ten year olds. I was actually getting ready to start my next re write for this soon. Just asking, but would you like to take a look at it?
Oh, and I guess you could say an older Kristen is the narrarator. But what i dont understand about that is: why would an older Kristen actually state her own name in this, even though she is tlking about a younger version of herself? If it was her, I would have done that in first person....at least, I assume you were implying something along those lines.
posted
I think the sentiment is pretty well worn territory. Two little kids pledging life long friendship and the hook is that it won't happen? In my opinion you need to start out with something more original, perhaps an initiating event, something that hints of conflict.
I agree with others that the language is too juvenile. I was wondering why they would be so backward to speak like that at age ten.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
