Skip down to the second version...I took some advice, and altered the beginning. Not a lot, but enough I hope.
=========================1st version=======================
“’Home’. Such a bizarre word. Even in the most undesirable situations, it still holds a positive connotation. It seems strange that where we just came from, ‘Home’, was merely a place in our minds. Stranger yet we had to fight our way out. I mean, who fights out of their home? Well, not that weird I guess. Animals have to struggle free don’t they? Leap from the nest… still, it seems different when applied to one’s self.”
Here Adam stopped writing on the paper he had found scattered around in the room. He looked at the bleak walls that surrounded him as he sat with his fellow Initial Ember in the middle of a long chamber off the holding cells of the Home. The walls, which had been white at some point a long time ago, had grown dull. Not dirty, but lack of use and care had mellowed the walls and had definitely started to show.

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=====================second version=========================

Adam looked at the bleak walls that surrounded him as he sat with his fellow Initial Ember in the middle of a long chamber in the Home. He noticed that the walls, which had been white at some point a long time ago, had grown dull. Not dirty, but lack of use and care had mellowed the walls and had definitely started to show. As far as Adam could tell, it had been a very long time since its last use. It appeared to be a holding chamber, with masses of bins and equipment. The whole room smelled of antiseptic and age.
Adam was surprised with how much he noticed, given the fact that Ember and himself had just ran from a murderer who had recently been considered a friend.
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I've written 9,607 words so far, and on the second book, which continues the story from this one, 2,563. I would like to discuss the story. I have the plot figured out, but as for how to present it, I don't know. The timelines are very complex, and I just don't know when I would want to introduce and start each part. I have 23 pages done on the first part, so if you want to read more of it, it's fine with me. I'm very welcome to critique.

My email is keegan@decker-family.net. Thank you!

[This message has been edited by loveroflogic (edited May 28, 2010).]

The problem with this opening is that there is almost nothing at stake. Viewed from the outside, nothing has happened or promises to happen. Is this close to the moment of change in the protagonist’s life?

I’m not a fan of the ‘written’ opening because it is either too obviously signposted (this is what my story is about!) if it does have a connection to your underlying theme or its just empty words if it isn’t connected. Themes should emerge naturally from the story and it shouldn’t really matter if the reader misses them; the theme is the icing on the cake rather than the cake itself.

If it’s intended to show Adam’s personality, then you’re better off showing how he reacts to events (i.e. if you wanted to show that he’s thoughtful, show it through dialogue, action and the occasional use of direct thought). Personality is revealed through how people act IMO.

Taking away the opening paragraph, it seems to me you’ve started a touch too early in story terms. Something has to happen soon and you’ve probably started too far before that something.

I’ve just noticed you wish to discuss the plot (which is much less time consuming than a critique). I’m happy to do that if you email me.

In my opinion, the best way to reveal character is through action, both in real life and in fiction. People can say (and in this case, write) certain things, but their actual character is revealed how they react under pressure. I’m not suggesting that the journal needs to go, but the placement doesn’t feel right to me. Without the context of knowing something about him, the journal doesn’t have much impact. If we see him write journal entries after after events, then we can understand his thought process and have motivation for later actions (thereby showing us his character). If we read it prior to any action, it’s the same as opening with a character thinking (static and with no context).

This excerpt doesn’t look like the right starting point either. In this case, it looks like you’ve started too late, forcing you to backtrack and tell us the inciting incident rather than showing us.

I think the right place to start a story is generally just before the protagonist’s life changes in some irreversible way. Based on the second excerpt, the moment this story starts may be just before he learns his friend is a murderer.

Starting with this situation creates a hook through a number of ways:

(1) It immediately creates a conflict for your central protagonist. Will he support his friend or will he do the right thing?

(2) It creates tension. What will his friend do? Will he murder Adam too?

(3) It creates a clear, unanswered question. How did this happen?

(4) It reveals Adam’s character by the action he takes in response to the conflict. If he fights the friend, it reveals he is brave. If he runs away, it reveals he is clever. If he immediately worries about Ember, it shows where his heart lays, etc.

The problem IMO, with the second starting point is that there is no immediate clear goal for Adam or an immediate threat to that goal. It’s all description. You could give us the conflict (“given the fact that Ember and himself had just ran from a murderer who had recently been considered a friend”) more subtly (here it’s a flat-out tell) and without the need to backtrack.

Regardless of starting point, this is a fairly distant POV. Do you want it to be this distant or are you looking for something closer (the use of journals suggests you want a fairly deep POV since you want to give us insight into his character)? If you do want deep POV, I’d suggest re-wording as follows:

quote:

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Adam looked at the bleak walls that surrounded him as he sat with his fellow Initial Ember in the middle of a long chamber in the Home.

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Two issues here from a POV perspective. The first is that the “looked” creates a filter (describe directly in deep 3rd). It is clearly the author, not the character. The second is that Adam is likely to think of Ember simply as Ember, not “fellow Initial Ember”. The use of “fellow Initial” is clearly the author’s, not the characters. This isn’t a “mistake”, but it depends on what you want out of the story. Filtering using the author’s voice creates a distance between the character and the reader. If you want that distance, then use filtering. If you want intimacy (i.e. the reader getting right inside the character’s skin), I’d remove them.

Personally, I’d simplify and let the value judgement of “bleak” come out in the following description, i.e.

quote:

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Adam and Ember sat in the middle of the long chamber in the Home.

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quote:

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He noticed that the walls, which had been white at some point a long time ago, had grown dull. Not dirty, but lack of use and care had mellowed the walls and had definitely started to show.

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As above, “he noticed” is the narrator’s voice, not Adam’s. I’d get rid of “He’d noticed that”.

quote:

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As far as Adam could tell, it had been a very long time since its last use.

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I’d get rid of this entirely as it’s implied by the fact that the walls are dirty and that the entire room smells of antiseptic and age.

quote:

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Adam was surprised1 with how much he noticed, given the fact that Ember and himself had just ran from a murderer who had recently been considered a friend. 2

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1. Passively phrasing (“to be” verb + past participle) and is also quite telling. I’d say to show us his surprise, but this entire sentence is clearly the author’s voice rather than the character’s and is telling, so I’d suggest cutting it altogether.

2. This is telling and given it’s an inciting event, I’d suggest it’s not the appropriate place to tell.