The following is the first 13 of a story-turned-novel I am working on. I have 6,000 words written of the first draft. Feedback is appreciated. -----------------------------
Darkness, complete. Hands wrap around cold metal. Arm thrusts forward into unsuspecting flesh. A sharp, gurgling gasp. Warm liquid sprays on face, tastes of iron. A questioning voice from behind rises to anger. Comprehension impulse suppressed. Body pivots, arm snaps, steel flies. Anger becomes murmur. Simultaneous thuds on ground. Retrieve projectile.
Legs move and arms pump. Action potentials modulated, muscular contractions optimized. More questioning voices advance, then recede. A shout from behind, rushing footsteps follow. Body weaves effortlessly between sensed obstacles. Slam into door, gives way to stairwell. The smell of ocean. Ascension and echoes. Hand grabs handle. Arm pulls. Pass through opening. A passenger in his own body.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 27, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 27, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 28, 2010).]
posted
In this style, it's difficult to keep a passage this long consistent in pace, tense and subject/verb order, because of the nature of verbs. Here are a couple of bits that caused a bump in the reading, IMHO.
posted
Ah thank you Wouldbe, I do have a tendency to flop tense on occasion and I missed it here. Its something I usually end up catching during revision. The portion of the story that is like this is about a page and a half so I'll need to go back and check the rest too.
Some of the things you noticed were intentional, however. For example "Retrieve projectile" and "Pass through opening" were written that way to give the sense that they are both orders being given and an actions carrying out those orders. You do call attention to the fact that it is something that won't be very clear in its current form. I may have to scrap that device or find a way to make it less subtle.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 28, 2010).]
posted
I think I get what you are trying to do here. You are giving us the stream of thoughts of the parasite, right?
The problem is that this is difficult to read.
I do like it though. It has a nice flow. I just think it should be shortened, maybe cut the action in half so it is easier to follow. I am hoping the entire novel isn't written this way.
Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited August 08, 2010).]
You are very very close. Its a stream of thought of the combined consciousness of the parasite and host. The parasite has taken control of the host and has intercepted his optic nerves so that the parasite sees but the host does not (Hence darkness complete). This is why there is no visual description in this part. It is essentially controlling him. The host tries to break through but can't. The host and parasite are separated at the end of the scene.
The difficulty in reading is intentional. I am trying to make the reader feel the disorientation of the host.
The novel is only like this for Chapter 1, which is only one page in length. I have 30 pages(three chapters) written so far and would love to have a larger critique if anyone is interested.
I believe in symbiotic(pun intended) writing relationships, so would be happy to critique anyones work as well.
posted
Osiris, At this point I am not some much hooked by the story but by the need to figure out what the heck is happening with the writer. Knowing that this is a novel length story would help with the desire to keep reading though I would probably peek at later chapters to see if the style changed. I thought the symbiosis was more of a mechanical suit type of connection that gave a superior officer sort control over the person wearing the suit... silly me. The described action feels too blended with the info that describes the symbiotic relationship. I would gladly read the rest and give comment. Grab my email address from the profile and shoot it over dude... Doug
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posted
This did throw me for a second. It had me doing a very bad William Shatner reading of it for a few lines. I got it eventually, though. I like the idea for your first chapter but I agree with WouldBe in that it's a hard read at first. The only thing I can think of to offer as advice would be to add more verbage or even change the POV. I like the story idea very much.
@Doug, thank you, I will shoot you a revised copy of the first 3 chapters once it is ready. Feel free to reply with some of your own work if you are looking for a critique.
It makes me very happy to see you describe the action as blended with the information, as the symbiotic relationship in the story is a very organic one.
@PBJ, I'm definitely NOT going for William Shatner prose here lol, and will definitely want to move far away from that.
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