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Author Topic: Metamorphosis of a Butterfly 2...
Layla Mikaela
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Hey guys!

The following are the first 13 lines of my first novel. I previously posted them under Morphotic. So, let me know what you think.
Just as background info: the novel is a suspense novel with romantic and supernatural elements. The following 13 lines are actually the first 13 lines of the first chapter. I have a prologue too, in which my MC has a flash back in which she has been abused which altered the direction of her life. I previously posted the first 13 lines of the prologue as 'Metamorphosis of a Butterfly'. I hope you guys are not too confused. Here we go:

Thoughtfully, Ciara Lovel inspected the rose she was holding in her hands. She rolled it between her fingers, tilting her head. The flower was as red as the blood that had been shed. At the same time a symbol of the love she had known, and lost.
Ciara continued starring at the flower, lost in her own world, when she was interrupted by her roommate Kay who entered the terrace of the thatched British Stone Cottage. Ciara’s eyes that had been only a second ago sadly examining the rose, were brightening up at the sight of her best friend.
“Ciara! What are you already doing up at six in the morning?”
“Did I wake you?”
“No. Didn’t sleep too well either.” Kay shrugged and yawned, rubbing her eyes. Complaining, that Ciara could have at least

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 28, 2011).]


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History
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I had a little trouble feeling a connection with Ciara, her feelings of loss, and desired a deeper attachment to the scene (setting, character and conflict). As she is obviously suffering a loss symbolic in the tactile sensation of the rose, let the reader feel it. Smilarly, when site of Kay makes her feel better, I want to feel it. As way of an example (and please fully ignore it other than as an example):

Wary of thorns, Ciara Lovel inspected the rose she rolled between her fingers. Its fragile petals still glistened with morning dew and were as crimson as the blood that splattered the grass and wildflowers of Graythom Moor. Gerard would not be returning for her. Ever.

A thorn pierced the soft pad of her thumb and she was started from her reverie, dropping the flower. It hit the slate floor tiles, the dew scattering like broken glass in the warm light from the cottage window.

The door was nudged open and her roommate Kaye stumbled in rubbing at her eyes. She wore a pink and white long flannel gown, and held a ragged brown teddy bear, which she quickly hid behind her back.

Ciara smiled, sucking at her bleeding thumb.

Kaye, a blush touching her cheeks, smiled in return and said, “Ciara! What are you already doing up at six in the morning?”

“Did I wake you?”

“No. Didn’t sleep too well.” Kay yawned and rubbed her eyes again, holding her bear to her cheek.

You have a lot of great elements: love, loss, best friends, British countryside setting. This has the potential for an emotionally touching story. Just make me feel it.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob

P.S. If you find any of the preceding offensive, I offer my apologies in advance, and will delete the entire post at your request.


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Wonderbus
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Hello Layla,

Just a couple of minor points:

I'd try and avoid opening a chapter with an adverb and I think you could definitely avoid this one--if you just started with her name, then the fact that she is inspecting the rose would tell the reader Ciara is thoughtful without having you having to say it.

I think the third and fourth sentences could do with being joined together somehow--a period before 'At the same time' struck me as strange.

'Lost in her own world' sounds a little cliche I think.

I had a POV issue when you started describing Ciara's eyes--I had presumed we were in Ciara's POV at the beginnning, but then if we were we wouldn't be able to see her eyes brightening.

The first line of dialogue sounds a touch stilted to me. I'm presuming they would both know the time and the fact that it is morning, so "Ciara! What are you doing up already?" might sound more natural.

I hope this helps.


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Layla Mikaela
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Thanks guys for the critique! I'll take it into consideration!
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mbwood
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Guten Tag, Layla;

Forgive me for saying this, but I believe this ‘opening’ is a little over-written. In other words, it needs tightening. Perhaps it could be something like this:

Ciara Lovel rolled the rose between her fingers and tilted her head. Its red was both a reminder of the blood shed and the love she had lost.

“Ciara! What are you already doing up at six in the morning?” said her roommate Kay as she entered the terrace.

“Did I wake you?”
Kay shrugged and yawned, rubbing her eyes. 
“No. I didn’t sleep too well either.”

This covers the action between Ciara and Kay. Is the fact they are in a ‘thatched British Stone Cottage’ essential to the opening? I suspect not. Ciara’s body language has a POV problem, since this started in Ciara’s POV, and then someone else sees Ciara’s eyes brighten, etc.

Do consider adding something of consequence to your opening, something that would make the reader sympathetic, or worry, or have anxiety about your viewpoint character. It's obvious you have the right material to elicit the reader's empathy, however, do set the 'hook' with your opening.

I'd like to see more. Das gluck!

Remember the first rule of writing… Write!

MBW

[This message has been edited by mbwood (edited June 18, 2011).]


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