posted
“Logifer!” a small voice hissed, “Are you there?” Slowly opening his eyes, Logifer shook his head as his surroundings blurred together in a dizzy haze. The three bangs that woke Logifer repeated itself as his thinking came into focus. “Logifer?” Cringing in pain, Logifer bolted up, though his untreated wound in his abdomen cringed as Logifer bit his lip in pain. He grabbed his head, full of migraines and still spinning as if he had a really long hangover.But Logifer did not drink today – so why did his mind continue to twirl? Was he poisoned? Why couldn’t he feel his own body? Nothing made sense.
Revised 10/11/2010
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited October 12, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited October 12, 2010).]
First of all, I'm only looking at the text ending in "...painful numbness," since that is approximately where the first 13 lines ends (Courier, 12 pt.). Kathleen will delete the rest.
This is kind of a mantra here, but opening a story with someone waking up is a cliche that many editors warn against. Some editors might accept it if it is a unique take, but this one doesn't seem that way. I suggest you start the story somewhere/sometime else.
If you don't, here are some further comments: I think the opening paragraph develops too slowly. The daze of awakening goes on too long (especially considering the cliche warning above). The last sentence of the first paragraph perhaps should be broken up as it's a bit unwieldy. I suggest you not mention the character by name twice in the same sentence; use he or him once, instead. This sounds a bit odd to me: '...neck snapped a great deal of pain'.
I guess some of the why of this opening begins to be answered in the paragraph that Kathleen will delete. Maybe in shortening the first 13, you can find a concrete way of hinting at how the main character got in this predicament.
posted
I'm going to use my "editing eyes" on the details, since you say you're hoping this is a final version. I apologize in advance if it seems like a lot of criticism. I'm just trying to be helpful.
I agree with WouldBe that a lot of times, you use Logifer's name where most people would use pronouns. You should probably keep it to once per paragraph maximum in places where there is only one character. I also agree that it moves pretty slowly in the first paragraph. You can probably cut the sentence that starts, "Slowly opening his eyes," and still get how dazed he is across to us.
quote:Three bangs on the broken wooden door woke Logifer in a daze. Slowly opening his eyes, Logifer shook his head as his surroundings blurred together in a dizzy haze (A) started to piece together in a gust of confusion (B). As his head came into focus (C), the broken chandelier blurred (D) into Logifer’s sight as (E) Logifer (F) tried to turn from facing the ceiling to the direction of bangs on the door (G), though his neck snapped a great deal of pain (H) as he turned (I).
“Logifer!” a small voice yelled, “Are you there?”
Logifer attempted to push his body upright, though that was rather troublesome (J), as he couldn’t feel anything from the chest down. Logifer opened his mouth to shout, though his lower jaw froze in a painful numbness (K), which made it almost impossible to speak as his jaw slowly started to respond (L) to Logifer’s (M) movement. His mind raced as he tried to find a course of action. Why did his mind continue to twirl? Was he poisoned? Why couldn’t he feel his own body? Nothing made sense to Logifer (N).
Comments: (A) This seems to be a run-on sentence in which the second sentence (starting after my "(A)") is missing its subject. Maybe you meant to say something like this: "... blurred together in a dizzy haze, then started ..." Or maybe something like this: "... blurred together in a dizzy haze. He started to piece things together ..." (B) A gust of confusion would not serve to piece things together. Maybe you mean "despite a gust of confusion." (C) "As his head came into focus" indicates to me that he is looking at another person's head, and it is coming into focus. If that is so, you should put in that other person's name. If that isn't so, you probably meant to say, "As his thinking came into focus." (D) "Blurred" would mean the opposite of coming into sight. You probably mean something like "wavered." (E) Gramatically, you shouldn't have two "as" clauses in the same sentence. They would be "As his head came into focus" and "as Logifer tried to turn from facing the ceiling to the direction of bangs on the door." (F) I would leave out the two Logifers and use only pronouns. (G) "To the direction of bangs on the door" is an awkward way of saying "towards the door." (H) Maybe this should be, "... though a great deal of pain snapped through his neck." But remember that he shook his head in the last sentence -- why didn't he feel this pain at that time? (I) You refer to him turning twice. Try to consolidate. For example: "As his thinking came into focus and the broken chandelier wavered into sight, Logifer tried to turn his head toward the door, but the pain snapping through his neck stopped him." (J) To me, "rather troublesome" indicates something that can be done but is annoying to do, such as cleaning a toilet. I think you mean something along the lines of "a problem," "difficult," or "impossible." (K) How can something be numb and painful at the same time? I think you mean "painful paralysis" or "painful rigor." (L) You are having his jaw freeze and respond in the same sentence. Maybe it would be better to split those events into separate sentences. (M) Definitely, you should use "his" and not "Logifer's" here. The only time I would use a name in this spot would be if it was another person doing the movement. (N) You might cut "to Logifer."
This is hopefully the last attempt at this (I mean, hopefully this is almost perfect.....) Thank you in advance for any or all advice you may give! Three bangs on the broken wooden door woke Logifer in a daze. Slowly opening his eyes, Logifer shook his head as his surroundings blurred together in a dizzy haze started to piece together in a gust of confusion. As his head came into focus, the broken chandelier blurred into Logifer’s sight as Logifer tried to turn from facing the ceiling to the direction of bangs on the door, though his neck snapped a great deal of pain as he turned.
“Logifer!” a small voice yelled, “Are you there?”
Logifer attempted to push his body upright, though that was rather troublesome, as he couldn’t feel anything from the chest down. Logifer opened his mouth to shout, though his lower jaw froze in a painful numbness, which made it almost impossible to speak as his jaw slowly started to respond to Logifer’s movement. His mind raced as he tried to find a course of action. Why did his mind continue to twirl? Was he poisoned? Why couldn’t he feel his own body? Nothing made sense to Logifer.
Hmm, I think Devin dealt with some of the problems I saw, only better than I would have. I do think there are way too many Logifer's. I'm not sure how to cut them down and still say the same thing- I have the same type of problem with certain scenes. Add he-s or try to combine actions? We already know his name and that there is only one person in the room. Something like "With blurred vision he tried sit up but found his lower body wouldn't move. He placed his hands on his aching head and said, "God, have I been poisoned? "
Oh I forget if anyone has said this but snapped as in "snapped a great deal of pain" isn't the right word. Maybe "great pain snapped into existence as he turned his head".
I did get the general feel for how he felt and his confusion, it's how you express it at times that still needs some help.
posted
Okay first of all, thank you everybody for your comments. It is very helpful. I am just starting to see these things, and I may need your help in the future.
I revised the paragraph and I would like to give information to why I set this up this way. The reason why is that this is a prologue, NOT chapter 1. Chapter 1 will not start this way – this is probably maximum 5 pages long, and the faster I say what I say, the faster I can get to the real story, - therefore, setting up that he is already dying (in my perspective) is more important than starting from the beginning (all you have to know in the beginning is that he gets stabbed.) But also, thank you would be, I will try to make things flow faster, (see the new version). And yes, I will describe the why the next direct paragraph, as he slowly has flashbacks as his mind gets more and more alert.
I am still going through the paragraph, so if anyone has additional comments regarding the paragraph (or you previously commented and would like to comment if this is better or worse), It is greatly appreciated! Thank you for your time and effort, this is a great community!
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