posted
I have lurked at Hatrack but never posted anything, so here goes.
This draft of The Silver Flame is complete at 93,000 words. It's young-adult and the first in a trilogy. Full-story critiquers would be appreciated, if anyone is interested.
***See Version 2 in a later post***
Version 1 - Chapter 1 - Aftershock
Although his whole body buzzed with excitement, Miles Risinger held himself still and inconspicuous in his folding chair in the corner of the crowded production room. In one of the dozen camera monitor screens across the far wall, Miles's father, Leon Risinger, chatted with a young couple in matching jean shorts and "We heart the Silver Flame!" T-shirts. Behind Leon stood a number of people waving at the camera and holding up signs that said things like, "Thanks for saving us!" and "Can I get your autograph?" It looked more like a crowd outside a rock concert than a bunch of people refusing to evacuate a dangerous area.
Through his headphones, which carried the current on-air broadcast feed, Miles heard the newscaster, Brenda, say, "Let's turn our attention now to our own Ronald West, who is above the Golden Gate
[This message has been edited by DevinAethnen (edited October 07, 2010).]
posted
Hi. I think a problem with this opening is that it is showing that the crowd is excited, without letting the reader in on 'why.' The reader has little reason to be exited. So this seems to be a subtle form of telling rather tha showing. Yes, the crowd is cheering and brandishing heartfelt placards, but in a sense, you transferred 'telling' from narrative to slogans on the placards. I think the reader needs more concrete hints why s/he should be interested.
IMO, I think this opening can be tightened up quite a bit to make room for more concrete details.
90K words seems pretty long for YA. Harry Potter is a notable exception. Some others will know more about this; I remain confused by conflicting info on YA/MG novel lengths. Good luck with it.
Although his whole body buzzed with excitement, Miles Risinger held himself still and inconspicuous in his folding chair in the corner of the crowded production room. In one of the dozen camera monitor screens across the far wall, Miles's father, Leon Risinger, chatted with a young couple in matching jean shorts and "We heart the Silver Flame!" T-shirts. Behind Leon stood a number of people waving at the camera and holding up signs that said things like, "Thanks for saving us!" and "Can I get your autograph?" It looked more like a crowd outside a rock concert than a bunch of people refusing to evacuate a dangerous area.
Through his headphones, which carried the current on-air broadcast feed, Miles heard the newscaster, Brenda, say, "Let's turn our attention now to our own Ronald West, who is above the Golden Gate.
That first sentence is rather long. And how old is Miles? Young I would assume but seven, ten, thirteen?
You get across what the scene is and what is happening, which is good. But I also think you should say why they are there sooner. Who saved them and from what? At this point it wouldn't take more than a sentence, maybe even half of one if done right. Of course the problem with just 13 lines is that those two questions could be answered somewhere between 13 and 15.
I would assume that the Silver Flame is a somebody or a Being but it's hard to know for sure.
That's about all I have, besides the fact you seem to like long sentences which I have been told are to be avoided as much as possible, it really isn't bad.
I'm not an expert on this so I could be wrong but from what I understand 70,000 to 80,000 is a good length for YA-it's shorter than for adults. But ninety could be the upper range.
posted
I like the t-shirt line, even though I don't (yet) know what the silver flame is. I pictured up an image of something akin to the silver surfer that is a superhero. But it was enough to hook me to want to keep reading long enough to figure out what the silver flame is...
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posted
I expect that my revisions will take the word count down. I am expecting to cut 5,000 - 10,000 out of chapters 2-5 and the last two chapters, and I am debating cutting chapter 9 altogether. However, I need fresh readers' opinions on these things because my current readers have already read three versions and are getting burnt out.
I had to sigh and smack myself when I read the words "long sentences." How many times do I have to be told to write in shorter sentences before that advice will sink in? Also, because more than one person has expressed a desire to know Miles's exact age from the beginning, I have put it in.
Let's try this:
Version 2 - Chapter 1 - Aftershock
Miles Risinger held still and quiet in the corner of the production room. Not everyone working there appreciated an eleven-year-old taking up precious space. The Hero Watch crew was there to cover a superhero in action, not to babysit.
Miles's headphones carried the on-air audio feed, but he ignored it and most of the dozen camera monitors along the far wall. He cared only about the monitor featuring his father. Leon Risinger was chatting with a young couple in matching "We heart the Silver Flame!" T-shirts. Behind Leon, a wall of people waved and held up signs like, "Thanks for saving us!" and "Can I get your autograph?" It looked more like a crowd outside a rock concert than a bunch of people refusing to evacuate a dangerous area.
In Miles's headphones, newscaster Brenda said, "Let's turn our
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