KayTi: I don't know if there's anything that specifically makes me qualified to write this. I've certainly never been in a mage storm. Never been a fifteen-year-old boy, or raised one. Most of the advice I've read says to keep the query focused on the story.

quote:

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Fifteen-year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.

Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.

The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others.

That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.

MAGE STORM is a 56,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

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First try:

quote:

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Fifteen-year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. It died with the all the mages at the end of the Great Mage War. All that’s left are the mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages, wreaking havoc.

Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. When he fails to learn how to control his frightening new abilities on his own, Rell runs off to seek help. It turns out magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.

The only teacher anyone knows of is Trav, who turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who murders anyone with real talent. After witnessing his latest murder, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Rell is forced to flee, but he can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.

That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.

MAGE STORM is a 56,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

---

Looks like a last-minute tweak:
It died with <the all >the mages at the end of the Great Mage War.

This might clarify that the mage storms are wreaking havoc, rather than the dead mages:
All that’s left are the havoc-wreaking mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.

A little cutting for your consideration:
When he fails <to learn how >to control his frightening new abilities< on his own>, Rell <runs off to seek>seeks help. <It turns out magic>Magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.

Clarification:
After witnessing his[Trav's] latest murder, Rell is next...

Fifteen-year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. It died with the all the mages at the end of the Great Mage War. All that’s left are the mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages, wreaking havoc.
First sentence succintly indicates your protagonist, your setting, and the conflict.
Second sentence has an additional "the" (fourth word). Having already used the word "dead" in sentence one, how about a different one? "All magic perished at the end of the Great Mage War."
Third sentence speaks of the "dead" (again) mages, thus reference to them is redundent in sentence two. I suggest a few word description of what is a mage storm in mid-sentence: "All that's left are the mage storms, tempests of wild magic, composed of the ashes of the dead mages."

Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. When he fails to learn how to control his frightening new abilities on his own, Rell runs off to seek help. It turns out magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
First sentence: "can't" or "cannot"?
Second sentence: What happened? What was his failure? Is there an example you could give in a few words to indicate the depth of his personal conflict in the story? Who is he seeking help from [Trav]? If you can provide a bit of these specifics, it may be more attention grabbing. Is Rell travelling with firends to find Trav [see below]? This should be mentioned here.
Third sentence: Seems redundent.

The only teacher anyone knows of is Trav, who turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who murders anyone with real talent. After witnessing his latest murder, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Rell is forced to flee, but he can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.
First sentence: Doesn't read smooth. How about: "Rell discovers, however, that Trav is a fraud, a cult leader who retains his power by seeking and enslaving, or murdering, anyone who displays actual Talent."
Second sentence: omit.
Third sentence: Passive voice. How about: "Rell flees, leaving his friends prisoners of Trav.
Fourth sentence: I find "somehow" [being a "given"] doesn't work as well as being specific on Rell's tasks. E.g "Rell must learn to master his Talent, defeat Trav and his cult, and rescue his friends."

That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
Second half of the sentence is weak. Does Trav have a special means of killing those with actual Talent? Or a special ritual or ceremony for his cult? Mention it. E.g. "That is, if Trav doesn't catch him first, and... (place his heart on the Stone of Supplication)."
Or...
... is Trav's cult insidiously everywhere? E.g. "That is if Trav doesn't catch him first, and Trav's cultists are hidden in every city and village."

Thanks for the the opportunity to comment. Sounds like a fun tale: the return of magic, a boy becoming a hero, a complex villian and overwhelming odds, a quest and a chase.

Respectfully,
History

As with any feedback, take what works from this and leave the rest. My suggestion would be something like:

Fifteen year-old Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. <great hook> Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can't control. Rell seeks help to master his frightening new abilities, but learns too late that his teacher murders any who show true talent in magic. He mounts a daring escape, but vows to return to save the others under the teacher's power. Will he learn how to control his magic in time to rescue the other students, or will the teacher succeed in destroying everything?

Then I think the standard is to just say middle-grade, not "upper" (to publishers, there's no differentiation, I believe that's only a library designation between the "J" and "JH" departments. I could be wrong.)

While it's nice to tell them you're following their directions, I really don't think it's necessary. I'd close with a simple, "I've enclosed...<list whatever you enclosed.> I would be happy to send you the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration."

The only other thing I would say is that you don't say anything about yourself here. What makes *you* the person who wants to tell us this story? What's your interest? background? Interesting tidbit? What's your personal hook. Mine is that I write what I wanted to read when I was a young woman looking for good girl-oriented sci-fi (there wasn't any then and there isn't much now, so my hook is "So I wrote what I wanted to read as a young teen.") One of my workshop participants swore there was nothing interesting about him, nothing that distinguished him, he's just a regular guy. Then he said something about how he's had 66 jobs in his adult life, and we all laughed out loud. *That's* interesting! That's worth mentioning.

Another workshop participant has done a lot of non-fiction writing, a third placed high in WOTF, another had a specialty blog on a particular tech topic, etc. Something personal, not very long, but will differentiate you from a pile of other submissions by giving the author something to associate you with. Oh, she's the one who the book premise came to her in a dream and she's been keeping dream journals for 20 years. Or, oh yeah, the one who has ten cats and wrote a cat murder mystery. Know what I mean?

Sorry for being so long-winded. Can you tell I'm procrastinating some Nanowrimo prep?