posted
I'm going to take the jump again. I've rewritten all 110,000 words from past to present tense. I've edited the first chapter dozens of times (especially the first 13 lines!) And this is about the 20th incarnation of my query. I'm making myself crazier than Edgar Allan Poe (but without the drinking problem or the genius). Where can I cut this? I'm too close to the story and I know it. I can't bear to leave anything out. It's 260 words. Also, I can't decide if it's a mystery or a romance.
Unable to speak or understand language, Anthony has languished in a psychiatric hospital for years. His parents abandoned him there and never visited. Frustrated, he grew crazed and violent. When his caretakers restrained him, he howled like a wild creature.
But he isn’t a wild creature. He’s a boy. Only Annabelle understands. During a visit to the hospital, she finds him, alone in his cell. She’s the only one who perceives his humanity, the only one who can soothe his injured soul. When she walks into his room her kindness illuminates his dismal cell. If he had to, he would give up his life for her. Except he’s already dead.
For months he follows her everywhere. Then Annabelle meets and falls in love with an amateur medium, Christian Silver. He can see that she’s never alone and wants to communicate with Anthony. So Christian channels the ghost, but he underestimates Anthony’s power.
The relentless phantom begins taking over Christian’s body often, without warning. Christian becomes a spectator in the drama of his own life. The dead boy is in control. And he’s desperate to find out how he died.
During her quest to discover who killed Anthony, Annabelle runs up against some dangerous criminals. But no one’s prepared to face two boys in one body who will do anything to protect the girl they both love.
The Ghost of Him is an 110,000 word YA paranormal mystery, set in the Bridgewater Triangle, an area in Massachusetts famous for supernatural activity. It’s my first novel.
posted
It sounds like an interesting story, but the query is long. I seems quite a bit can be trimmed away without loss of the ideas, because there's some duplication, and some of the ideas can be expressed more efficiently.
For example,
quote:Unable to speak or understand language, Anthony has languished in a psychiatric hospital for years. His parents abandoned him there and never visited. Frustrated, he grew crazed and violent. When his caretakers restrained him, he howled like a wild creature.
Unable to speak or understand language, Anthony languishes in a psychiatric hospital, alone. Crazed, violent, and howling wildly, his caretakers restrain him.
The 'alone' includes everyone, including his parents. (You could make it 'utterly alone' if that seems too weak.) I changed it to present tense, like the rest of the query, even though it's backstory, I think.
quote:But he isn’t a wild creature. He’s a boy. Only Annabelle understands. During a visit to the hospital, she finds him, alone in his cell. She’s the only one who perceives his humanity, the only one who can soothe his injured soul. When she walks into his room her kindness illuminates his dismal cell. If he had to, he would give up his life for her. Except he’s already dead.
Only Annabelle understands his humanity and can soothe his injured soul. She illuminates his lonely, dismal cell with kindness. He would give up his life for her. Except he’s already dead.
I'd join that para. with the previous, and combine the rest of the synopsis into a second paragraph.
quote:For months he follows her everywhere. Then Annabelle meets and falls in love with an amateur medium, Christian Silver. He can see that she’s never alone and wants to communicate with Anthony. So Christian channels the ghost, but he underestimates Anthony’s power.
The relentless phantom begins taking over Christian’s body often, without warning. Christian becomes a spectator in the drama of his own life. The dead boy is in control. And he’s desperate to find out how he died.
During her quest to discover who killed Anthony, Annabelle runs up against some dangerous criminals. But no one’s prepared to face two boys in one body who will do anything to protect the girl they both love.
Anthony follows her everywhere. Then Annabelle falls in love with an amateur medium, Christian Silver, who channels Anthony's powerful ghost so Annebelle may communicate with him. The ghost takes over Christian’s body often, leaving him a spectator of his own life, while Anthony's ghost desperately seeks how he died. During her quest to discover Anthony's killer, Annabelle faces dangerous criminals. But no one’s prepared to face two boys in one body who will do anything to protect the girl they both love.
It could be shortened more, I think, and I'd leave out your first-novel confession. No point in it.
I think there's an issue you need to resolve. I was thoroughly confused about the mental state of the boy. At first it seems he's in a coma because he pines for Annabelle, or, at least, Annabelle perceives his humanity. However, we learn he's dead, a ghost. If he's dead, then he must also be brain-dead, and incapable of pining for Annabelle. Did Annabelle unknowingly perceive the ghost, thinking it was a comatose, living Anthony? Perhaps his ghosthood should be revealed earlier (assuming I've interpreted it correctly).
Good luck with it.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited November 20, 2010).]
posted
Okay, I was fine for those first two paragraphs, except the last sentence about him being dead. Major disconnect!
If he's dead, who is restraining him, and how are they doing it?
And if he was shut away in that psychiatric hospital until he died, why is there a mystery about it? Did he die as a boy, or did he go mad as a boy and die of old age, but all he can remember is when he was sane, so that's why his ghost is a boy?
Maybe I'm asking too many questions, but a psychiatric hospital with restraints for a ghost just doesn't make sense to me.
quote: Unable to speak or understand language, Anthony has languished in a psychiatric hospital for years. His parents abandoned him there and never visited. Frustrated, he grew crazed and violent. When his caretakers restrained him, he howled like a wild creature.
But he isn’t a wild creature. He’s a boy. Only Annabelle understands. During a visit to the hospital, she finds him, alone in his cell. She’s the only one who perceives his humanity, the only one who can soothe his injured soul. When she walks into his room her kindness illuminates his dismal cell. If he had to, he would give up his life for her. Except he’s already dead.
After the above, it works fine.
Could you just say something that says why Annabelle went to the hospital where she found him, as a ghost, and recognized his humanity, and so he chose to follow her?
posted
I had to go back and read the other thread because this seemed like a book query I had read before, but about almost a completely different topic.
I don't know if you want to hear this...but I think the other query had more resonance. There's something inherently hooky in the "being in love with two boys is hard enough, harder when they share the same body." bit, which really doesn't come out from this one. I get the sense here you're trying to tell us what happens in the book. I'm repeating myself, so feel free to disregard, but I suggest trying to take a step back and talk about what the book is ABOUT.
Example - I have a query out right now for my space station YA book. What happens in the book is a girl finds out there's a sentient computer in the space station, and that someone is trying to damage it. She works with new friends to save the computer, and ultimately the space station itself.
But that's not what the book is about. The book is about friendship, in all it's colors and flavors. It's about feeling lost and alone in your teens. It's about being smart and being okay with it. It's about finding out who you are.
So the plot summary in the query is just a paragraph, and focuses more on the girl feeling lost and alone than all the intrigue of the situation she's in. Does that make any sense?
I have a feeling your story is really about a girl falling in love and trying to sort out the confusing feelings that come with that. (and sidenote - I don't think you have to categorize your novel as either mystery or romance, it has elements of both and it falls into the "YA" category, so just pitch it as YA. The YA genre is huge right now, tons of components, and there's very much a place for a mystery with romance or a romance with mystery in the field.)
Sorry if this isn't too helpful, just 2c. Best of luck, I think the story sounds like an interesting bit and it sounds like you've put in a TON of work on it in the last few weeks!
posted
I combined the previous query with this one and considered everyone's valuable advice. Thanks. Here it is and it's shorter, which it needed to be.
Being in love is complicated, especially when two boys are in love with you at the same time. Normally you’d choose between the two, but there’s nothing normal about the twisted geometry of Annabelle Blake’s love triangle.
First, there’s Anthony. No one but Annabelle understands him. She’s the only one who can soothe his injured soul. If he had to, he would give up his life for her. Except he’s already dead. For months his ghost follows her everywhere.
Then Annabelle meets and falls in love with an amateur medium, Christian Silver. He can see that she’s never alone and wants to communicate with Anthony. So Christian channels the ghost, but he underestimates Anthony’s power. The relentless phantom begins taking over Christian’s body often, without warning. Christian becomes a spectator in the drama of his own life. The dead boy is in control. And he’s desperate to find out how he died.
During their quest to discover who killed Anthony, Annabelle runs up against some dangerous criminals. But no one’s prepared to face two boys in one body who will do anything to protect the girl they both love.
The Ghost of Him is an 110,000 word YA paranormal mystery, based on a true story and set in the Bridgewater Triangle, an area in Massachusetts famous for supernatural activity. It’s my first novel.
posted
I'm no expert. But, I often hear that a prospective agent/publisher will use a query to get a feel for your prose and writing voice. The choppy, bullet-point-synopsis feel to your query's prose I feel would undermine this.
Posts: 921 | Registered: Nov 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think the newer version is really great! It could probably be trimmed by another 20 words or so, but my brain isn't working well in trim mode tonight so I couldn't come up with anything obvious to trim. But I do think this is great.
And a note on BenM's point. If this writing style is dramatically different than the style you use in the book, then that's maybe a little risky, however it strikes me as a very typical YA voice and tone, so for me it works really well because it conveys some of the sarcasm and ironic look at the world that typically comes from a YA main character.
posted
Here are the first thirteenish. So you can see if the query matches the "ironic" "bullet-ike" prose. Thanks... Some great advice.
Four strong hands grab me and pull me into the room. The door whacks shut. “Let’s tell ghost stories. What do you think, Annabelle?” Without waiting for an answer, my two older brothers turn off the lights. My oldest brother, Joe, pulls a book of matches from his pants pocket and lights one on the first try. He holds the flame to the wick of a lavender scented candle he smuggled in from our parents’ bathroom. Waving the blazing candle toward my face, he laughs his familiar, teasing laugh. I don’t flinch. I say what I always say. “I’m tellin’.” “Shanghaied and hoodwinked again!” My brother Clement keeps lists of words he loves in an old shoebox. He yanks on my long ponytail. “Ouch! Now I’m tellin’ on both of you.” But I don’t run and tell. If I leave I’ll miss the ghost story.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 22, 2010).]
posted
The latest version looks good except for...
quote:During their quest to discover who killed Anthony, Annabelle runs up against some dangerous criminals. But no one’s prepared to face two boys in one body who will do anything to protect the girl they both love.
IMO you should end queries with lots of tension, so the agent or reader is dying to read the book to find out how the MC gets out of the situation.
This last sentence diminishes the tension you have set up. To me that last sentence implies that Annabell will be just fine because the boys combined in the same body is a force that no one can defeat (I'm not sure why, but that is what is implied IMO).
I thought one of your other queries had a stronger finish essentially saying that Annabell must risk her life to discover who killed Anthony to put his soul to rest or Christain will be lost forever.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
