Here's the tag line: "When Hank Evans is found guilty of deadly sin, by law of the American Empire he is given the death sentence; a night in Necropolis, the city of vampires."

And here's the first 13:

Hank hadn't expected the judge to decide any other way. These days they didn't hand out robes to anyone afraid of sending less than a dozen men to Necropolis almost every day. Hank found that he couldn't blame them. It keeps the peace, he thought. Even in the days before the chaos had taken hold, America had never been as safe as it was now.

Some ideas:
The second sentence was a bit hard to read, but that may have just been for me. Try this: "These days they didn't hand out robes to anyone who couldn't send at least a dozen men a day to Necropolis." Or something like that.

quote:

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Hank found that he couldn't blame them. It keeps the peace, he thought.

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The next paragraph I loved because you established something here with murderers and thieves getting the same punishment. Makes me instantly wonder which end of the spectrum in Hank on. Was he really bad? Or, is he caught up in the system?

quote:

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Hank hadn't expected the judge to decide any other way. These days they didn't hand out robes to anyone afraid of sending less than a dozen men to Necropolis almost every day. Hank found that he couldn't blame them.[cut, instead. He didn't blame them.It makes more intimate. As a reader I want in his thoughts, not reminded that I am reading, I want to be immersed in his pain, his fear, his excitement.] It keeps the peace, he thought[cut, the he thought. It is not needed if in his pov. Again, it will ring stronger without the he thought.]. Even in the days before the chaos had taken hold, America had never been as safe as it was now.

He was sitting[cut, instead. He sat] in the back of a paddywagon, surrounded by twenty or so other men of all different shapes, colors, and sizes[, I think, suggest, all condemened to die, losing the who were also] who were also condemned to die. Only a few of them committed violent crimes.[I would consider cutting this sentence. The reason is you tell it here, where you do so well showing it in the next 2 sentences. It makes it more personal, again, feeling the MC's feelings, drawing us in.] A tall, pale, black haired man with tattoos covering his arms had murdered three people. More than a handful of the men were children. One of the convicts, a young blond kid, had been caught stealing in a supermarket.

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Overall I like it, I think you got a story going. You list the problem, introduce the character. My main concern here is, the MC is sort of on the fence over the Death penalty issue, his feelings seem like he isn't for it for non-violent crimes, but yet he isn't against either, as he doesn't blame the judges. If a main part of story, man fighting system, I would expect him to choose a side and soon.

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited February 06, 2011).]

I do wonder tho ... if it's a death sentence, where do the vampires come from? Oh, maybe we're going find out? -- I like being made to wonder odd things like this.

Fahrion Kryptov and EVOC, I agree that second sentence doesn't work.

Tiergan, those are all good cuts and edits. Just goes to show how even after three drafts a fresh pair of eyes is a big help.

One major flaw in Hank is his passiveness, hence the almost condoning of such injustice. Most of Hank's life America has been an empire so his experience gets in the way of his own sense of ethics. So he is very wishy washy. Also the judges are only one aspect of the empire merely doing their jobs.

And the vampires... imo that's where things really get interesting.

These days they only hand out robes to those willing to send at least a dozen men to Necropolis almost every day.

My take on the 2nd sentence: “These days they didn't hand out robes to anyone unwilling to send a dozen or more to Necropolis daily.” Surely if they are willing to send children, then they won’t show a gender preference? Along that same line I would recommend trading “More than a handful of the men were children” for “more than a handful of the condemned were little more than children” and continue with “one, a young blond kid, had…” and use the word “convicts” in place of “men” in the first sentence of the second paragraph.

Okay, that ended up being a little more convoluted than it was in my head. Here it is with the changes incorporated. (I also included EVOC’s and Tiergan’s suggestions since you said that you liked them.)

quote:

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Hank hadn't expected the judge to decide any other way. These days they didn't hand out robes to anyone unwilling to send a dozen or more to Necropolis daily. He couldn't blame them; after all it kept the peace. Even in the days before the chaos had taken hold, America had never been as safe as it was now.

He sat in the back of a paddy wagon, surrounded by twenty or so other convicts of different shapes, colors, and sizes, all condemned to die. A tall, pale, black haired man with tattoos covering his arms had murdered three people, but he was the exception. Only a few had even committed violent crimes, and a handful of the condemned were little more than children. One, a young blond kid, had been caught stealing in a supermarket.

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quote:

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Cool EVOC, how do you want to go about that? Want me to start with the first chapter, first few chapters, or what would you like to do? Thanks, I really appreciate the offer.

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It would probably be easier for me to go through a chapter or two at a time. However you can send me the whole thing and I will just give you my thoughts chapter by chapter. Whatever works for you.

Just wanted to say I dug it.