Synopsis: In Joye and the Manifesto, 11 year old Joye Webster has had plenty to deal with since her Mom vanished without a trace six months ago. Now with the school bully, Bo, hounding her and a hard to please Father she simply can’t take anymore. She runs away and ends up in the cold dark woods overnight where she has a vision of a familiar woman who reveals to her several secrets to live by. With a new understanding of Bo, she attempts to befriend him but he has no interest in hanging out with her and her goody goody friends. Meanwhile, the familiar woman from the vision makes Joye wonder what really happened to her mother. As events unfold, Joye and her friends meet a gypsy who reveals more secrets to the children and Joye must figure out how to transform her conflict with Bo while dealing with the mystery of her mother’s disappearance.

Bo leaned over Joy menacingly. “So did you rat me out for cheating?” he demanded.
“No Bo, I swear I didn’t talk to Ms Hatch! Now can I please go home?” Tears stung the backs of her eyes and she blinked furiously, refusing to cry.
“Why?” he taunted her. “So you can run home to your Mommy? Oh wait!” he elbowed one of his buddies, already laughing at the joke. “You don’t have one!” The other boys laughed too.
This brought tears even the pouring rain couldn’t hide. Her mother had disappeared several months ago and people were starting to say she wasn’t coming back. Joy tried to push those thoughts aside now as she focused on self-preservation. These boys had been hounding her since she moved into middle school

[This message has been edited by RachelWriting (edited March 02, 2011).]

First thing, is your MC Joye or Trinity? (Me personally, I would recommend Joy over Joye, unless you have a strong reason for it.)

Second nit, lose ‘Cooper’ in “No Cooper, I swear…” You’ve already given us his name, and most people don’t naturally address each other by name unless they are trying to get the other person’s attention or for some particular emphasis. I’m not sure that you need the teacher’s name yet either, but it is at least new information. I recommend, “No, I swear I didn’t! Can I go home now, please?”

Third nit, is it raining?

Overall it has a consistent feel and flow. Well done. The last question that I have for you is this. This scene has the feel of one that has been repeated many times, what is different about this one? A link on another thread led me here. One of the best pieces of advice that it has was this:

quote:

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Cut to the action, […] the initial action from which all other action flows. […] The key is: from which all other action flows. The first scene is the first domino. The second domino has to be right behind it. That inexorably tumbling line is your story, action begetting action until all are spent.

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Good luck!
-Jo