"I have recently completed and am very excited about my first Middle Grade fiction novel, “Skyhaven and The Manifesto”.

In the beginning, 11 year old Trinity has had plenty to deal with since her Mom vanished without a trace several months ago. Now with the school bully, Cooper, hounding her and a father who seems impossible to please, Trinity simply can’t take any more. She runs away and ends up in the woods overnight where she has a vision of a woman who reveals to her several powerful secrets about life. With her best friend Noah, she attempts to make sense of the radical ideas by organizing them in a scroll they name the “Manifesto”. Safe at Skyhaven, their tree house hideaway, they share the story with their other friends and together they come up with a plan to win over Cooper. Unfortunately he has no interest in hanging out with them or giving up his reign of terror at school. As events unfold, she and her friends meet a gypsy who’s cryptic fortune leaves them with even more questions, and Trinity must figure out how to transform her conflict with Cooper while dealing with her Mother’s puzzling disappearance. Things come to a head when, following a clue that may lead to answers about Trinity’s mother, the kids receive a strange text that turns out to be a desperate plea for help from Cooper. Now they must choose between chasing down their answers or helping the boy they have been trying to befriend!

Skyhaven and The Manifesto, full of mystery, magic and life changing transformation, is just over 50,000 words and is a fully complete story with the possibility to be the first book in a trilogy. As per your online submission guidelines, I have included the first 50 pages. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
..."

SECOND DRAFT - POSTED Tues May 3, noonish

"My complete manuscript Skyhaven and The Manifesto, is a 50,000 word novel for middle grade readers.

Eleven-year-old Trinity's mother has vanished. Now with the school bully, Cooper, hounding her and a father who just won’t listen to her side, Trinity can’t take any more. Running away, she ends up lost in the woods where a ghostly woman reveals several powerful secrets about life. With her best friend Noah, she attempts to make sense of the radical ideas by organizing them in a scroll they call the “Manifesto”. When paintings magically appear on the manifesto and a mysterious fortune-teller gives them clues about an upcoming adventure, the children are convinced that the only way to solve their problem with the bully is to befriend him!

Back at Skyhaven, their tree house hideaway, they come up with a plan to win Cooper’s friendship. Unfortunately the bully has no interest in hanging out with these kids or giving up his reign of terror at school. Trinity must figure out how to transform her conflict with Cooper while dealing with her own tumultuous family life. Following a clue that may lead to answers about Trinity’s mother, the kids receive a desperate plea for help and find themselves faced with choosing between finding the truth and helping the boy they want for a friend.

Skyhaven and The Manifesto is full of mystery, magic and life-changing transformation. May I send you a copy? Thank you for your consideration."

[This message has been edited by RachelWriting (edited May 02, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by RachelWriting (edited May 02, 2011).]

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I have recently completed and am very excited about my first Middle Grade fiction novel, “Skyhaven and The Manifesto”.[quote]

Cut this. Agents expect it to be complete and for you to be excited about it.

[quote]In the beginning, 11 year old Trinity has had plenty to deal with since her Mom vanished without a trace several months ago.

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Clunky sentence. Eleven-year-old Trinity's mother has vanished.

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Now with the school bully, Cooper, hounding her and a father who seems impossible to please, Trinity simply can’t take any more. She runs away and ends up in the woods overnight where she has a vision of a woman who reveals to her several powerful secrets about life. With her best friend Noah, she attempts to make sense of the radical ideas by organizing them in a scroll they name the “Manifesto”. Safe at Skyhaven,

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This leaves me wondering why she didn't just go to the treehouse in the first place.

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their tree house hideaway, they share the story with their other friends and together they come up with a plan to win over Cooper.

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Why would they want to?

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Unfortunately he has no interest in hanging out with them or giving up his reign of terror at school. As events unfold, she and her friends meet a gypsy who’s cryptic fortune leaves them with even more questions, and Trinity must figure out how to transform her conflict with Cooper while dealing with her Mother’s puzzling disappearance. Things come to a head when, following a clue that may lead to answers about Trinity’s mother, the kids receive a strange text that turns out to be a desperate plea for help from Cooper. Now they must choose between chasing down their answers or helping the boy they have been trying to befriend!

Skyhaven and The Manifesto, full of mystery, magic and life changing

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life-changing

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transformation, is just over 50,000 words and is a fully complete story with the possibility to be the first book in a trilogy. As per your online submission guidelines, I have included the first 50 pages. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

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Stop after "Thank you for your consideration." Hearing soon isn't always a good thing.

I have the feeling that this query tries to cover too much of the story. The query doesn't go to the end (that's the synopsis) or even to the climax. One approach to the query is to take it just as far as the inciting incident.

This query also leaves me wondering what the main story is (not good). I don't know if this is a story about finding Trinity's mom or about making friends with a bully. You want to stick to just the main conflict in the query and synopsis.