posted
When I was seven years old my father threw me into the river. It was a cold day, a sharp wind cutting snow from the treebranches and throwing it down in long drifts. I shivered beneath my furs; I shiver now at the memory - the river, cold and black in its snow-bound banks, waiting, while I stood silently next to my father, wondering at the reason for our being there. I think that I held his hand, perhaps not. That much is not clear. But I remember my father looking down at me, saying nothing, but giving me a look that brought tears to my young eyes. 'I don't want to do this', that look had said. But my father was Chugiri, the chief warrior among my people. The small group of men standing nearby expected him to do his duty. "Nushuk'te," Elder Neakatot had said. Put the boy in. Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
I really like this opening. The description has me standing there shivering with the character (and wondering why his father threw him in). I don't actually have much to critique, but I hate to see it sit there without any replies. So here are a couple nits:
quote:I think that I held his hand, perhaps not.
Sometimes I don't mind grammatically incorrect sentences for effect, but this one didn't feel right. Consider adding "but" after the comma (and maybe getting rid of "that").
quote:That much is not clear
For some reason this sentence stuck out, I think because of the weak "is" verb. It would flow better with the rest of your description if you told us why, something about his memory being clouded after so many years.
quote:The small group of men standing nearby expected him to do his duty.
Do we really need so much info about the men? It might read smoother to just say "They expected..."
In two places, I think you can get rid of "had" to make it straight past tense ("that look had said" and "Elder Neakatot had said").
[This message has been edited by EmilyS (edited April 20, 2011).]
posted
I agree with Emily's comments, especially this one
quote: I really like this opening.
Brilliant first sentence. I love the use of the word the in the first sentence. It shows how the character thinks, that it wasn't just one of many rivers, it was the one river. It shows the size of the character's world, the importance of the event, as well as giving an active moment and likable character to cling on to. So much characterization in that one word, along with a great character hook.
Just beautiful work. Do you need any readers? ~Sheena
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited April 28, 2011).]
posted
Thanks Sheena! The novel is 60,000 words so far (first draft) This may end up being a companion short story or it may be a prelude, not sure yet. When its done I'll send it out.
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posted
I also like the opening first sentence hook, and the evocative description that follows.
I stumbled at the long sentence ending with "wondering at the reason for our being there." First, both the narrator and we know why they were there. Second, it is important to the narrator that he relate that at the time he did not know why they were there. Why not give this punch by making this a separate sentence?
Similarly, consider splitting the next sentence into two: "But I remember my father looking down at me. He did not speak but gave me a look that brought tears to my young eyes. 'I don't want to do this', that look had said."
I love your (I assume) created language: Chugiri. Nushuk'te. Neakatot.
posted
Thanks Dr. Bob! I agree about splitting the sentences. And yes the language is created. I appreciate the kind words!
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