New take, thanks to RoxyL:

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Rell doesn't want magic. He doesn't dream of being a hero out of old legends or a mage. Certainly not a mage. What he'd like is just not to be in his big brother's shadow for a change. Someone should have reminded him to be careful what he wished for.

Magic isn't even supposed to exist anymore. The last of the wizards incinerated each other a generation ago in the Great Mage War, taking their magic with them. Or rather, leaving it behind in the violent, semi-sentient mage storms composed of their ashes, wreaking death and destruction wherever they pass.

Caught in a mage storm, Rell is struck by a strange blue cinder that infects him with magic. Suddenly, he's protected from the fury of the storm and able to shield his family, too. Maybe magic's not so bad, after all. Rell thinks he could get used to feeling special--until he realizes he has no control over his magic.

Now, he has to find someone who can help him learn to restrain this "gift" before he ends up adding his ashes to the mage storms.

MAGE STORM is a 59,000-word middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

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Version as of May 31st:

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To Rell, it's a good thing that magic died at the end of the Great Mage War. The remnants, like the violent, semi-sentient mage storms, made up of the ashes of dead wizards, are enough proof of that. His father may remember a time when magic was useful, but all Rell can see is the Blighted Forest that was destroyed in one of the battles of that war, along with his family's orchard.

When Rell and his family are threatened by a mage storm, Rell is struck by a mysterious blue cinder that doesn't burn like the others. The blue ember releases an unexpected gift for magic which allows Rell to shield his family against the worst of the storm.

When Rell's jealous big brother gets under his skin, Rell accidentally starts a fire with his magic that nearly burns down their barn. After that, the frightened neighbors want no part of Rell or his erratic magic.

Terrified that he can't control his magic, Rell sets out to follow rumors of a teacher who could help him learn to restrain this "gift". Along the way, he discovers that there are others like him. What he learns from his new friends, though, is that magic is more dangerous than he ever dreamed. If he can't find a way to control it, his magic will kill him and add his ashes to the mage storms.

MAGE STORM is a 59,000-word upper middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

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Version as of April 30th:

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Rell isn't sorry that magic died at the end of the Great Mage War. All that remains are the violent, semi-sentient mage storms like the one that killed his grandfather. His father may think that the world is poorer without magic, but Rell knows his family would be better off if their orchard hadn't been destroyed along with the Blighted Forest in one of the battles of that war.

A mage storm strikes, the first since Rell is old enough to help the men instead of being hustled to safety. When the storm aims a cloud of caustic yellow cinders at them, Rell's panic releases an unexpected gift for magic, creating a shield against the worst of the storm.

The trouble is that the magic responds more to Rell's emotions than to his will. The next day, when Rell's jealous big brother gets under his skin, the magic starts a fire that nearly burns down their barn. After that, the frightened neighbors want no part of Rell's erratic magic.

Terrified of his own abilities, Rell sets out to follow rumors of a teacher who could help him learn to control this "gift". Along the way, he discovers that there are others like him. What he learns from his new friends, though, is that magic is more dangerous than he ever dreamed and not just to those around him. If he can't find the right way to control it, the magic will kill him and add his ashes to the mage storms.

MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

---

quote:

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Rell isn't sorry that magic died at the end of the Great Mage War. All that remains are the violent, semi-sentient mage storms like the one that killed his grandfather. His father may think that the world is poorer without magic, but Rell knows his family would be better off if their orchard hadn't been destroyed along with the Blighted Forest in one of the battles of that war.

A mage storm strikes, the first now that Rell is old enough to help the men trying to save the livestock. When the storm aims a cloud of caustic yellow cinders at them, Rell's panic releases an unexpected gift for magic, creating a shield against the worst of the storm.

The trouble is that the magic responds more to Rell's emotions than to his will. The next day, when Rell's jealous big brother harasses him, the magic starts a fire that nearly burns down their barn. After that, the frightened neighbors want no part of Rell's erratic magic.

Terrified of his own abilities, Rell sets out to follow rumors of a teacher who could help him learn to control this "gift". Along the way, he has to deal with angry griffins, playful water dragons, a false teacher who is really more of a cult leader, new friends, first love, the last surviving mage, and the tiny dragons who guard a library of magical knowledge.

MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

---

Newer version:

quote:

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Rell isn't sorry that magic died at the end of the Great Mage War. The only remnants that remain are the violent, semi-sentient mage storms like the one that killed his grandfather. Those storms and the blackened stumps of the Blighted Forest, ruined in one of the battles, are all the legacy of magic in Rell's experience. His father may think that the world is poorer without magic, but Rell knows his family would be better off if their orchard hadn't been destroyed along with the forest.

When Rell is caught out in a mage storm, he discovers an unexpected ability in himself. He can work magic. The trouble is the magic responds more to his emotions than to his will. That's a problem, since his big brother has a way of getting under Rell's skin. When he almost burns down the family's barn, the frightened neighbors make it clear he's no longer welcome.

No less terrified himself, Rell must leave home to find some way to control his magic. His journey will lead him to angry griffins, playful water dragons, a false teacher who is really more of a cult leader, new friends, the last surviving mage, and the tiny dragons who guard a library of magical knowledge.

MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

---

quote:

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All magic died with its wielders at the end of the Great Mage War. Only remnants remain in the form of violent, semi-sentient mage storms that still plague the land. That and the destruction wrought by magic during the battles, like the blackened stumps of the Blighted Forest just beyond Rell's home.

Working on his family's farm, impoverished by the destruction of their orchard along with the forest, Rell has trouble feeling sorry about the loss of magic. That changes when he's caught in a mage storm and discovers an unexpected ability to work magic in himself.

Rell can't control the magic that responds more to his emotions than to his will. That's a problem, since his big brother has a way of getting under Rell's skin. When he almost burns down the family's barn, the frightened neighbors make it clear he's no longer welcome.

No less terrified himself, Rell must leave home to find some way to control and use his magic. On his way, he'll have to deal with dragons, griffins, a murderous teacher who's more cult leader than instructor, and, perhaps most confusing of all, a beautiful girl.

MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

---

For comparison purposes, here's the old query:

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The only traces of magic left in Rell's world are the violent, semi-sentient mage storms made up of the ashes of the magic-wielders killed in the great war.

At least that's what Rell believes until a mage storm infects him with magic he can’t control. The magic ebbs and flows with his emotions, protecting those he cares about one day and starting fires the next. Fire comes with anger and his big brother has always had a knack for getting under Rell's skin. His only hope of returning to a normal life is to find someone who can help him learn to either control the magic or get rid of it.

Rell follows rumors of a teacher but instead finds a cult leader, Trav. When Rell witnesses another student killed by the backwash of his own magic, he knows it wasn't an accident. This knowledge makes him next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.

That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone with real magic live long enough to challenge him.

MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

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[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited April 30, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited May 31, 2011).]

I won't tell you about the telling/ showing - it depends on what the situation demands.
However, I can tell you that this needs to be more interesting.

One sentence I didn't quite like was

quote:

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That and the destruction wrought by magic during the battles, like the blackened stumps of the Blighted Forest just beyond Rell's home.

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All magic died at the end of the Great Mage War. Only remnants remain in the form of violent, semi-sentient mage storms that wander aimlessly throughout the land. The destruction these have wrought, like the blackened stumps of the nearby Blighted Forest, has laid waste to large swathes of land and inflicted the surviving culture with fear and an ignorance of magic.

@ mc1ate1mad1cow: Synopses can vary widely in length. The sweet spot for queries is approximately 250 words. It really is all supposed to fit on one page in letter format.

@ Brendan: Thanks. I think the sentence that bothers you is actually a fragment and that's why it feels incomplete. I'll work on it.

ETA: Newer version above.

The trouble is that the magic responds more to Rell's emotions than to his will. "The next day, when Rell's jealous big brother harasses him, the magic starts a fire that nearly burns down their barn. ADDITION *the frightened neighbors make it clear he's no longer welcome."

ADDITION: No less terrified himself, Rell must leave home to find some way to control his magic. He sets out to follow rumors of a teacher who could help him learn to control this "gift". Along the way, he has to deal with angry griffins, playful water dragons, a false teacher who is really more of a cult leader, new friends, first love, the last surviving mage, and the tiny dragons who guard a library of magical knowledge.

I wanted to add these sentences because I liked them for one reason or another and thought that they added something to the favored version. This version had 'punch', clarity, liveliness and I definitely felt affinity for your character. This version had one more advantage-I thought it important to know what your character encountered during his quest, as this greatly added to the story-I did not think 'cliche' at all. I was intrigued. Very interesting. Another book I would be tempted to buy while browsing the racks.

quote:

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hope this is not too late

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Never too late on a query. They are always a work in progress.

How much of your story is Rell at home and how much is him with his teacher and the other kids? Because I have the itchy feeling that if the majority of the story is about Rell and the quest/kids/teacher it might be important to spend a lot more time on that and less on background in the query.

The kid’s group quest (if I'm extrapolating correctly) would be what attracts readers and agents, especially since this is MG, where peer relationships tend to take top priority. Does that make sense?

(For instance, have you ever read JK Rowlings blurb? It starts: “Harry Potter has never been the star of a Quidditch team, scoring points while riding a broom far above the ground. He knows no spells, has never helped to hatch a dragon, and has never worm a cloak of invisibility. All he knows is a miserable life with the Dursleys…” Though the Dursleys take up the first 60 pages of the book, they do not invite us into the story, the magic of the other stuff does.)

Or I may be off completely. But, if I’m not off, and your story really starts once he’s on the quest, you could shorten up the background info and head straight for an expansion of paragraph four.

Here’s a for instance, and I cringe to give it, I know it’s considered bad form by many, and so many, many apologies.

Rell doesn’t want magic. It’s not even supposed to exist anymore. The Mages scorched themselves to cinder a generation ago, and good riddance. But even dead they can’t leave Rell’s world if peace. The land is plagued with malignant, churning storms made from their cursed ashes.
And that’s the problem. To save his family, Rell has braved the fury of a mage storm and he is now irrevocably, irretrievably infected with magic he cannot control and does not want.
(79 words, and probably still too long - I have wordiness issues)

I hope this helps, and I give the advice as an absolute novice, so take it for what it’s worth.
You’ve got some very fabulous stuff here (I love the idea of mage storms and malevolent teachers) with a lot of potential.

I took a look at your MAGE STORM query and offer the following comments:

All magic died with its wielders at the end of the Great Mage War.

I believe Larry Niven wrote a novel about magic dying.

Only remnants remain in the form of violent, semi-sentient mage storms that still plague the land. That and the destruction wrought by magic during the battles, like the blackened stumps of the Blighted Forest just beyond Rell's home.

Working on his family's farm, impoverished by the destruction of their orchard along with the forest, Rell has trouble feeling sorry about the loss of magic. That changes when he's caught in a mage storm and discovers an unexpected ability to work magic in himself.

Whoa! You started with ‘All magic died...” Now Rell has got it. Which is it?

Until this point, you’re using the backstory for your query. Start with a critical plot point, one which will engage the reader’s sympathy, emotions, interest and go from there.

Rell can't control the magic that responds more to his emotions than to his will. That's a problem, since his big brother has a way of getting under Rell's skin. When he almost burns down the family's barn, the frightened neighbors make it clear he's no longer welcome.

‘almost’ burns down the barn... Almost is a weasel word. Get rid of it.
This is more back story.

I suggest starting your query where Rell gets into trouble, more trouble the better.

No less terrified himself, Rell must leave home to find some way to control and use his magic. On his way, he'll have to deal with dragons, griffins, a murderous teacher who's more cult leader than instructor, and, perhaps most confusing of all, a beautiful girl.

Rell has to ‘deal’ with... Deal is a very weak word. This conveys the image of sitting at a table and negotiating. And what is the most important component of fiction? CONFLICT! You must convey that it your query – absolutely.

I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.

Meredith, you don't need to say anything about their website - just follow their instructions.

Please recognize that I don’t do magic (I just don’t understand it and have never taken any lessons in it). Consequently, if I violate any of the genre’s conventions, it was done out of ignorance, for which I apologize.

I hope this helps,

MBW

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Here’s a for instance, and I cringe to give it, I know it’s considered bad form by many, and so many, many apologies.

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I personally never find it bad to have a critter add their perspective in written form as an example, or suggestion. Sometimes for me it is the only way of getting my point across.